Yin Yang

The ancient Chinese subscribe to a concept called Yin Yang which is a belief that there exist two complementary forces in the universe. One is Yang which represents everything positive or masculine and the other is Yin which is characterized as negative or feminine. One is not better than the other. Instead they are both necessary and a balance of both is highly desirable.

I love that I have so much to look forward to in 2011.
I love that he tells me that I am beautiful, smart, sexy and just what he was looking for.
I love that he accepts my submissiveness & thinks its wonderful.
I love that we can be talking about rules one moment and the kids the next.
I love that I want to be with him.
I love that he tells me I am a good girl.
I love that he takes care of me & protects me.
I love that all I want to do is please him.
I love that I never know what to expect next.
I love that he takes control and keeps control. 
I love that this feels natural and not forced.
I love that he wants to share with me.
I love that he can make me blush.
I love that he can make me cum anytime he wants.
I love that he talks and makes plans for the future.
I love that he wants to take classes together.
I love that he loves his children & family.
I love that he can make me laugh.
I love that he likes to cuddle.
I love that makes me feel like I am doing it right.
I love that when I think of him I get all warm & excited inside.
I love that he loves me.
I love that look he gets on his face when he thinks of something he wants to do to me.
I love that he grabs my hand whenever we are together.
I love that I love him.
I love that he's spontaneous.
I love that I am happy to have found "T".

Reality

When I hear NO it just jolts me back to reality. Last night as I knelt by the bed in front of "T" he began kissing me and playing with my nipples. He lied down across the bed so that his mouth was right in front of my breasts. He began sucking my nipples, very hard. I was told to spread my legs and he reached down and put his finger in my pussy, rubbing it. After he was done he told me to lie face down (still kneeling) on the bed (low bed). He went behind me and lifted my nightgown, exposing my ass. I felt his mouth kissing my ass and then his teeth biting into the skin. He takes what seem like tiny bites of my skin, it hurts and it leaves some nice marks. As this was going on he put his hand inside my pussy again, this time a finger and then it felt like a few fingers, in and out. I remember at some point I didn't care that I was lying there with my ass exposed and his fingers in my pussy, I began rocking against his hand trying to get a good angle but he wouldn't let me. He just kept going, finger fucking me and biting me, it seemed like forever. Then I was told to lie back on the bed with my legs over the side. He opened my legs and began using his tongue and fingers in combination. He knew exactly how to get me where he wanted and when I got to point of wanted to cum - I asked for permission. I was told NO, he pulled out his hand but kept rubbing. There is something about that word that just brings you back, knowing you have to focus on not cumming even though that's all you want to do.

He stopped rubbing and told me I could suck his dick. Which I did happily, as I am sucking he becomes hard in my mouth. He tells me what he wants me to do, I think I am getting a little better at fulfilling his requests. If I could get my sinus's under control I would be able to breath easier. As I am going along he encourages me and lets me know I am going well by telling me it feels good and I am a good girl. Something about hearing those words makes me feel all warm inside. After a while pulls me away and tells me to lie back on the bed, he grabs my legs and pulls them up in a V position, enters me and pounds me until he cums. I have to admit I like that  position. When he is done we cuddle up for some TV and as I am lying there I can feel myself dripping down my legs. I woke up this morning with my pussy throbbing (and still is now) wanting attention, but touching is not worth the punishment. 

Oh yes then "T" tells me during conversation that there is something that I do that he thinks is cute and that is how he decides if I can cum or not. Did I really need to know that? No, no, no. I don't want to wonder about what I do. 

100th Post

This is my 100th post...no streamers or balloons just the satisfaction of knowing and gratefulness of being able to write down my feelings as I go through this journey. I appreciate the comments that have been made by my followers and the ever growing "lurkers" from around the world. I have come so far since over the last 3 months and have found a wonderful sense happiness that I always wanted but never knew how to get. I feel very grateful and am looking forward to a terrific 2011.

Things were so wonderful having "T" home and spending time together. We talked about New Years Eve and what we were going to do, we went from dinner out, dinner home, to would you feel weird peeing in front of me. It never ceases to amaze me the turns our conversations take, lol. "T" wanted to know because he was thinking ball gag, ropes and blindfold. I could see the wheels turning in his head but he wasn't sharing the details so I am not sure what to expect.

This morning my hand was grabbed and placed on his cock, after that I was told to get down and suck it. After he got hard he then told me to get on top. Now this is not my favorite position because I don't like it up there and I feel very exposed. So I looked at from a different approach, I looked at his him using me to get off, that I liked.

After that I was told to get back down between his legs. I am getting a little better with the gag reflex and have found that "T" likes for me to deep throat him, unfortunately I a complete mess by the time I am done. Snot running from my nose, tears streaming down my face but I didn't mind, actually I kind of enjoyed a little of the humiliation of it. I also liked when he grabs my hair and guides me to what he wants, all part of the being told what to do - its a real turn on. I felt like he was training me to do what he enjoyed and that made me happy. After our session this morning of me sucking him, he put his hand in my pussy and I was so turned on I came in what seemed like less than a minute. He did tease me just for a moment but it didn't seem to matter because I came anyway and hard too.

"T" also told me today that anytime we are together I can hold his cock, I don't have to ask and he would like me just hold it. I will add that to my rules page.

We also talked about nipple rings and clit rings and my interest in them. They are more of a curiosity than a want. Also on the agenda was the tattoo he wants to put on the back of my neck, something signifying hope.

The best gift

"T" got arrived at my door at 12am after driving for 12 hrs, it was the best feeling in the whole world to see him after 5 long days. I waited patiently for him to shower and then immediately he told me to kneel by the bed. He was so loving and wonderful, it felt good to be back in front of him. He removed my nightgown and then for the first time he let me suck his cock, I had held it but had never tasted it. I knew it would taste terrific and I was right. "T" lay back on the bed as I took him in my mouth, he was rock hard. After a while he grabbed a handful of my hair and began moving my head to the rhythm he wanted. Because of the angle I kept gagging, my eyes teared and my nose ran (just a lovely site). This continued on and off because I just couldn't stop gagging and just as he was about to cum, I pulled away because I couldn't breathe (bad timing), but I did take him in my mouth and taste his cum. I was disappointed in myself but determined next time I would do better. Afterwards I was still kneeling with my head resting on him leg, he pulled me up and asked me to join him in bed.

I don't remember what happened next, I know that he brought me to orgasm several times, pure ecstasy. I know I went to sleep happy to have him next to me. In the morning we slept in and at one point he woke up and took my hand and placed it on his cock as he kissed and fondled me. He looked at me and said do you know how much I want you - yes sir. Then I said I wanted him too, well that was all it took. He pulled me around (which I love, when he just grabs me and tosses me around to fit where he wants) and the next thing I knew he was inside of me. We almost made it to the 1st of January, but at the moment I didn't give a damn. I had "T" inside me, fucking me and it felt amazing!! So amazing that we did it 3 times before noon, each time better than the last. After the first time he had me suck his cock again and right before he was ready to cum, he pulled me back so he could fuck me again. I was just glad he gave me a second chance, this time I was over him so when he grabbed my hair I was able to relax as he fucked my mouth, only gagging a little this time.

We fell asleep again and when the alarm went off I had to get up to get ready to drive my son to his grandfathers. Who by the way called while I was sucking "T's" cock for the third time, as well as my mother. If they had listened closely they would have heard me. After the alarm I was supposed to get up and get ready but "T" had me in his arms. He began kissing me and squeezing my nipples. I have been concentrating on breathing through the pain when he plays with my nipples to see how much I can tolerate, it definitely helps and feels good. As the time ticked by he told me if I didn't get up he wasn't going to let me go, being the slut I am I didn't want to go. He pulled me into him and then began to fuck me again. Afterwards he still didn't let me go but instead opened my legs and brought me to orgasm about 4 times, the last one was extremely strong and long lasting. I made sure right before each one to ask for permission, I wasn't risking the paddle.  When I finally got out of bed, I had about 10 min to get ready and get out the door, which meant I was to walk around with "T's" cum and mine all day, just a reminder of a wonderful morning.

The order of what happened is probably off but what I do know is I missed him so much when he was gone and not waiting was to me was the best gift he could have given me - Thank you Sir.

Regarding the P.S. - "T" also told me that I was to remember that he loved me and didn't want to disappoint me. I told him that I was just surprised by what he had said and that it felt like he was trying to back away. I tried to tell him I didn't expect it to happen right away but that I was surprised how he went from soon to 3 years, after that I had felt that maybe I had spoken out of turn, assuming too much. I was prepared to pull back and guard my heart and just enjoy what we had. He told me that I hadn't spoken out of turn and that he was working on a solution. Last night when he showed up I pushed myself to forget about pulling back but instead I just focused on the time we spend together and only time will tell about the rest.

Respect

Sometimes I feel ashamed to have been with the other men I was with, most very briefly (its that Catholic girl upbringing, just can't shut it off). But as "T" and I were talking about  people in our past, I said that the people that we knew and were with made us who we are today. Gave us the measuring stick for what we wanted in our relationship. I knew I wanted to be with someone who accepted me the way I was, submissive. Not only submissive in the bedroom but submissive in my everyday life. I wanted to be taken care of by someone who loved me and in turn I wanted to take care of someone whom I loved.

I am not stupid or incapable by any means. I have been without a significant other in my life for a while, taking care of my children basically as a single parent. Now that I have done what I wanted, raised two wonderful kids, I want someone to take care of me. Before when I would say those words I always quick to point out to a man that I wasn't talking about financial, I was talking about emotionally. Men always seem to freak out if you thought you wanted them for money, which wasn't what I was trying to say. "T" knew when I said those words that really I meant both, don't get me wrong I would be contributing but I didn't want to carry the burden by myself. I wanted to share it with someone, I wanted to make decisions with someone. I wanted what I thought a relationship should be, peaceful and respectful.

"T" has told me on more than one occasion that money was what broke up his marriage. I mentioned to him that it sounded like from day one that she never respected him, she always thought she could handle things better. He thought about that statement and wondered if it wasn't actually money but a lack of respect that was their demise. I read in my Surrendered Wife book that the author had taken a poll asking men what they wanted most in their marriages - respect. They wanted their wives to respect them and everything else was gravy. The wonderful thing about being submissive is that the person I am with automatically has my respect but with each day it grows and grows. The little things I do for "T" show my respect for him not only in the bedroom but just in everyday and that makes me happy and brings that peacefulness I have been craving.

PS you want, you find, you hope, you believe, you trust, you dive in only to find out somebody forgot to fill the pool, you crash, thinking...you should have known better than to let go.

Merry Christmas

Dear "T",

When you walked through the door of the coffee shop I knew right away you were different than any other man I had met. Your smile was full of light and your eyes looked right into my heart. I am glad you took charge that first night we met and every night since, making me feel happy and calm.

I want to take today to say Thank You for coming into my life when you did, I had almost given up hope of finding someone so wonderful. You have brought a peacefulness to my life and fulfilled a desire I have been longing for all of my life.

Even though we are not together today I want you to know I am on my knees giving thanks for you and the happiness you give to me every day.

I love you more than you know.

Forever yours,

Your Princess, Your Slut, Your Whore


Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve, 43 years ago my mother (biological) died, she had liver cancer and the night she was in the hospital the nurse didn't drain the tube and she passed away. My Uncles decided to write me an email to remind me that her loss was devastating to them. What they don't realize is that I knew that they in a way held me responsible for her death and were never able to be close to me as an adult. Their idea of a relationship is a card or emails at least once a year, Christmas. After their parents (my grandparents) passed away about 15 years ago, they broke off contact with me because I reminded them of my mother. It's not my fault I look like her, but they can't see past their own pain to realize that I am my own person. I tried to reach out to them over the years but gave up, so when they sent me the letter today to remind me of her death they really weren't writing to me, they were letting me know they still missed her deeply and that I would always remind them of her. I miss that I never got to know her, I had her in my life for 13 months and only know her through pictures and whatever I was told. Merry Christmas Mom, Grandma & Grandpa and even to Uncle Rich & Peter.

Missing him

I heard from "T" around 2am, they had arrived in TN safe and sound. It wasn't until I rolled over to go back to sleep that it hit me, he wasn't there and I wouldn't be seeing him until Tuesday (good weather prevailing). Yesterday as I had gone out to pick up my daughter I went to put on my jacket and thought of him. I couldn't get the darn thing on and wondered where he was when I needed him. The thought of him grabbing a hand full of my hair yesterday when I was cumming keeps flashing through my mind. All I am left with is the thoughts of what he has talked about eventually incorporating into our lives...more bondage (even taking a class together), fucking his princess-slut-whore anytime he wants - not even caring if I cum, more spanking (when there are no kids around - which doesn't happen often), getting me a collar, making me sleep in wrist cuffs, attaching me to the bed (the fantasy bed he wants), etc.

After Nilla's story The Symbol, I also keep thinking of the tattoo I want on the back of my neck, marking me as his. All of these things make me wet and flushed with no outlet. The night before "T" left after he had made me cum, I was lying in bed and rubbing my breast. Not touching the nipple just tracing the outline of the whole and he asked me what I was doing - I was just rubbing myself. He reminded me that I was not allowed to touch myself for any sexual pleasure - I assured him it was not for pleasure. Really I had just been lost in thought - I asked him to clarify - was I allowed to touch myself - yes but not in a sexual way. I guess I must have missed that rule. So today I am painfully aware of not being able to touch myself in anyway. 

Thobbing

"T" left today for Tennessee to visit his parents and even though he hasn't really left the state yet I already miss him. We spent last night together after he had finished getting the kids ready to leave. As soon as he arrived he turned on the TV, his favorite movie was on True Grit (yes the one that has been re-made and is in the theater now) with John Wayne. Since I first met him he has spoken about that movie often, not my cup of tea but I was happy to watch the last half hour with him. After kneeling and having to count the days until the first if I were to be denied orgasm until then (11 days), I was invited into bed (naked) and he held me as we watched the movie. When it was over he began touching me and as he did I was to name my 5 favorite movies and the scenes I liked (all while he was rubbing me). I chose The Godfather, Star Wars 3, You've Got Mail, Contact and crap I can't remember the last one. He said I had chosen well and he inserted a finger inside of me, then rubbing the outside of my pussy but never really getting me over the edge. At one point I made a frown and he said if I was going to frown that he would stop, so the entire time he was "torturing" me I had to make sure I was smiling. Which was hard because he just kept playing with me.

This went on for a while and then he hit the spot and I begged to come - yes (several times). Then he took me by surprise and he went down between my legs and began licking me. He has the most amazing tongue and it wasn't to long before I was begging to cum again and again. He knows where everything is and how to get me to where he wants me and even when he teases me its all done with a purpose. My pussy is throbbing right now just writing about it and it has been like that since I woke up this morning. Now this morning as we were fooling around he just pushed me around like a rag doll and then next thing I know he was on top of me. My legs fell apart and I knew what he wanted and I knew I wasn't going to be the one to say no. He asked me would I be disappointed if we didn't wait until the 1st and I said yes but that I wanted to feel him inside me. "T" said you don't know how bad I just want to push myself inside of you (ah but I did), but he didn't instead he chose not to go all the way. I was shocked at his control, disappointed that I didn't get to feel him inside me, happy that he had decided to wait until the 1st as we had discussed. This foundation we are building is laying the ground work for us to have a successful relationship like we both want. But oh my god do I want him so badly!!

This morning at breakfast we talked about the other night when we were out for a quick bite to eat and the cashier we had met. The man had looked at us as we stepped up to the register and told us that he wishes he could find his soul mate like we had. This statement took us both by surprise because even though this is the way we felt, we didn't realize that others could see it also. Out of the mouths of babes comes the truth.

My service to him

After I posted last night, "T" ended up staying the night. It wasn't planned and when we came home from dinner he was just going to lie with me for a while (he told me once that I sprinkle fairy dust on him and that makes him fall asleep). As we went into dinner, "T" buttoned up my sweater because it was cold and told me how much he loves to do that. I enjoy when he orders for me, I think the waitress felt as though I slighted her because I spoke to "T" instead of her, but I love being reminded how much I need him.

Afterwards we began with me kneeling beside the bed and him inviting me in after I had removed all of my clothes as he watched. He watched me remove each item of clothing slowly for him. I got into bed, the tv was on and we cuddled together. "T" fell asleep farely quickly but I wasn't tired but my service to him was just being a warm body to hold. At 11pm I let him know his phone was making noise but he said that's ok. At 2:30pm I asked him if he needed to go and he said soon. At 4:20am he asked if I could set the alarm so he would wake up and leave for work on time. If all I did was provide him with comfort to sleep, then I feel fullfilled, "T" works hard and deserves to rest. He is supposed to leave tomorrow for the holidays with his parents and I will miss him very much.

Cursing

For some reason I try not to curse when I am writing my post, which is absurd because of the other things I write about. Well today has been one of those days that I think I will be disregarding that rule. To start my stomach has been upset all day from what I ate last night, my mother isn't speaking to me because I did something to upset her sensibilities but if she just avoids me it hasn't actually happened, the insurance I just signed up for is crap and I would have to be dying to use it, then "T" called to tell me that he wasn't spending the night. Jesus fucking Christ I could write a God Damn Fucking country song!

Best part

The best part of my day today was being with "T", listening to him talk about work & family issues and then just lying next to him so he could rest. I may have dozed off for a few minutes but mostly I just listen to him sleep, I like that he can cuddle up next to me and fall right asleep. Makes me feel like I taking away some of his stress by just being there for him.

Yesterday I had asked "T" to spank me before he left for holiday vacation. He told me he was going to use the paddle from his bag, he had never used it on me but I had seen it - a wooden cutting board with a handle. Needless to say I was a little nervous & turned on. He had me get undressed and kneel over the side of the bed while he rubbed my ass with the board. He used it on me a few times light, hard, light, hard - it hurt. Then he said he was going to give me 10 and I needed to count them off. He told me exactly how I was to count and if I messed up I would get extra. I was determined to count correctly so I focused entirely on that as the hits came, harder and harder. By the time the 10th one came I burst out crying, he had asked me later was it a release feeling or a pain feeling. I don't know the answer to that question, I know that I like the anticipation of the spanking, I like when he does it (no one has ever spanked me and turned me on the way he does) and I know the only reason I cried when I hit 10 was because it hurt so bad and I knew that was the end. Do I want to be spanked again - yes, I still think about the spanking I received in his office and how sexy it was to stand there bare bottomed in front of him while there were others around.

I also know that I don't like the paddle, its too big and covers to much and it made me feel like I was a wimp for not being able to take more. Later "T" told me that he may just use it for punishment, like for tonight when I put on my own jacket before we left. I was cold and I just put it on as I was getting dressed, but apparently that was a no no and I have earned myself 2 paddles. If I had confessed before he said something that it only would have been 1, they call that a life lesson. After he held me and comforted me, he said he was going to hit me with his hand and that this was for him and not because I had asked. I was to count again and as he did it I was OK, it hurt but because it didn't cover as much it wasn't as intense, I liked it better and I knew I could have taken more. Which is interesting because after my first spanking I didn't think I could take more, so maybe each time it gets better each time.

After he spanked me and as he was holding me, "T" he had me flip over because his cock was hard and he began to slide it against my ass until he came on my back. I love when he uses me for his pleasure and I would have been just fine cuddling with him, but then he began playing with my nipples. It began slowly but then it was like he had an epiphany and said that he was going to pinch my nipples very hard and kiss me at the same time. While we were kissing if it became to much I was to turn my head away and he would stop and move on to the next nipple and start again, this was to last through 2 songs. All I kept thinking was I hope he was listening because there was no way I would know how many songs had played. Oh yes and while all of this was happening I was to masturbate, here's where I should mention that I get very confused when I am trying to do everything I am asked. So while I did turn my head (or so I thought) apparently I didn't turn it enough, but because "T" knows me he knew what I was supposed to be doing (he thinks its cute when I get confused). After this went on for I don't know how long, he asked me if I was going to cum - no.

He stopped and reached between my legs and began finger fucking me, oh my god it felt soo good (as always). Then he was teasing just below my clit again, but came close enough for me to cum after I begged. Immediately after that he continued playing with me and I came again quickly, almost so quick that if he hadn't said it was OK right when I asked then I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. That would have gotten me 2 paddles. After he made me cum 3 times, he had me lick his fingers that were thick with my cum, probably the thickest I have seen. I asked him if we had made it through 2 songs and he said no because he wanted me to cum, so when I couldn't (because it was to overwhelming or I can't by my hand anymore - not sure yet) he stepped in to make it happen. We cuddled up after that and he was able to sleep for over an hour.

Before he left we went out to get something to eat. When we go out "T" always orders for me, I love it and I know that it confuses the staff but I don't care. I consider it respectful to look at him instead of answering the waitress/waiter/etc. it reminds me how important he is to my well being.

We talked about how this is the best Christmas for both of us, having each other in our lives felt so wonderful and even though we would be apart we were OK with it. I am so excited to have "T" in my life to start a new year with, it will be all the more special. I am very lucky.

The blue box

"T" called me late last night and asked if he could stop by - yes. After I hung up the phone my mind started to wonder why he was coming over. I wondered if something was wrong, but I tried to focus on something else instead and waited for him to arrive. When he came in there was something behind his back, he said he wanted to give me my Christmas present early because he was going to be leaving for trip in a few days. In all fairness he did give me a choice of waiting, but when presented with a Tiffany's bag, really did I have a choice of waiting to open it, no.

I am very familiar, as most girls are with the blue box so I was very excited to open it. Inside was a silver necklace of a heart with a key hole. He had the key to my heart. I am so very lucky to have such a thoughtful man in my life and even though he won't be here for Christmas I think this is the best holiday I have ever had because I have someone so special in my life. I love you "T", thank you for being so wonderful.

After we cuddled he told me to get into my nightgown, I asked him if he was staying and he said no. I put on my nightgown and kneeled by the bed. He invited me to lie next to him (naked) and we woke up together this morning at 7am.

A good night

"T" finally made a decision to go home this year for the holidays, to visit his mother/father, sister, brothers & extended family. I will be here with my kids and family. He said he didn't want to go because of me, but I told him it was the right thing to do. Yesterday I was waiting for him to come over so we could go to dinner & movie. He called to let me know that he had a situation with his son that he had to work out then he would be on his way. Several hours later he showed up, I wasn't angry but in the past I would have just let the resentment build up and I didn't want that, so I let him know that he was late - he apologized because he hadn't let me know. He had taken care of his son then was talking to his mother, she had been in the hospital getting some tests done. He ended up telling her that he would be coming home for the holidays (originally it was a surprise), she was happy. I knew at that moment that he had made the right decision to go home, I would miss him but this was something he needed to do. My father died a week before my daughter was born and the thing I will always remember was that he had called me the day before and I returned the call to late. Not because of anything other than just being busy, something that I can never change and will always regret.

After we talked about his mom I told him about my idea that I had come up with while I was grocery shopping. We have been talking about living together, marriage, future and everything it implies. We both have villas that are large enough for us and our kids but neither one of us has enough room for the other family. The housing market is terrible here so it probably wouldn't be in our best interest to sell & buy. My idea was that we could move the older children into one of our homes, they would have to pay rent and would probably need a roommate. Then we would take the younger children and move into the other home. I was nervous about telling him but because our relationship is so different than those I have had in the past that I felt comfortable enough to bring it up. He really embraced the idea and as the night went on I could see the wheels turning in his head, mentioning it randomly about how he would handle it. That has to be the best part of all, he would handle it and I wouldn't be the one making all the tough decisions. We also talked about money (which broke up his marriage) and we both feel that when you go into a marriage that whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine. I know some people would not agree with that but that is a part that I very strongly want. I believe that a relationship is built on trust and honesty and if you don't have that then it won't work. If you don't have trust & honesty then money can rip everything to shreds.

"T" also talked about collaring me, something that we really hadn't spoken about before. I was surprised to hear that he had looked into having a collar made for me, something I could wear during the day that would remind me that I was his. I was very pleasantly surprised and excited.

We eventually went to a late dinner (delicious) and then came home, watched a little TV before falling asleep. The best part of coming home was kneeling before him and him telling me to join him in bed. When we woke up this morning he was touching and caressing me. He placed his hand on my pussy and began to rub and put his fingers inside me. At the time I didn't realize it (but should have) he was rubbing just below my clit, in my haze I thought he just wasn't hitting the mark and I went to move his hand up. He knew exactly what he was doing and I was told to place my hands above my head.

He reminded me that everything he did had a purpose. He rubbed more and when he did hit the clit, I begged to cum but right then he asked me a question. I can't even remember what it was but it interrupted my cumming, he laughed telling me my thoughts must be on his fingers because I couldn't process the question. He let me cum after that and several more times by his hand. I had been holding on to his cock while all of this was going on and he was hard. "T" grabbed the lube and had me roll over on my stomach, he was on top of me rubbing his hard cock against my ass. I love the way he feels and I can't wait until the 1st to feel him inside of me. He came all over my back, cleaning me up after he rubbed it into my skin. He told me to roll over and when cuddled until it was time for him to leave, it was a good night all around.

Bad Girl

"T" picked me up last night and off we went to dinner, Mexican. The only good thing was the company and the margarita. Afterwards he decided that we would go to the movies another night, which was fine with me. Earlier in the day I had wavered back and forth about a nap and had chosen coffee instead, so I was a little tired and would love to snuggle. We arrived at my house to find my daughter & 3 friends, plus my son and his friend - all doing their own thing which included playing their trombones at 10am. Yes my neighbors love me!

We said good night and went into the bedroom. I waited for "T" and when he was on the bed, I kneeled down beside him. I began rubbing him all over, feeling his soft skin against my hands. After doing this he took off his shorts and told me to get my lubricant, I was happy to oblige his pleasure. I began stroking his cock until it was hard and long, he asked me if I was wet - yes sir. He told me to rub myself as I was stroking him, as I began touching my wet pussy my head fell down and eyes closed. "T" snapped at me to watch him the entire time while I was touching myself (which is not as easy you would think). As I began to enjoy my own touch, he had me take my hand away and finish pleasuring him. Afterwards I cleaned him up and joined him in bed, he played with my ass as he channel surfed. We fell asleep not to long afterwards. 

This morning after hitting the snooze button several times, "T" had me lie on my stomach, I could hear him applying the lube to himself. I lie there wondering what he was going to do next. He got on top of me and began taking his cock and sliding it against my ass until he came all over my back. Telling me to not move, he then cleaned me up and we snuggled together. While we were lying together he reached down and began playing with my pussy. He teased me and as I got closer he stopped. I knew why before he said anything...the night before I had opened the car door twice. I was so excited to see him that I was a forgetful bad girl and he had told me I would be punished later. My punishment so far was not being able to orgasm last night or this morning. It's funny in previous relationships if I hadn't been able to reach orgasm I became frustrated and began to resent the other person. But I don't feel the same way because this is exactly what I wanted. I wanted someone to control what happens to me, where as before the other person never thought about what they were doing, "T" knows exactly what he is doing and how it is effecting me and I love it.

Wonderful

Last night turned out to be kind of wonderful, after posting and hopping into bed I received a phone call from "T". His daughter is in town and would be performing at a local gallery and would I like to go - Yes! I got ready and we were off. His daughter was wonderful and I met his ex-wife who was very polite and gracious to me.  I had a wonderful time and am glad "T" invited me to go with him. So what I thought would be a night of missing him turned into a night of desiring him.

I say that because afterwards we went to a diner for desert, where he fed me ice cream from across the table. Then he told me that he wanted to take me out and feed me a whole meal (he had mentioned this before and I have begun to realize when he mentions something several times that I should expect it to come to fruition), he asked me how I felt about that. I told him it would be strange not doing anything, but other than that I was OK with it and my body gushed at the thought of it. I literally felt myself get so wet as I sat across from him and he spoke about feeding me. He told me he knows that I like that control he has over me (and I do). When we were done he drove me home and we said good night. After he left and all day today all I kept thinking about is tonight. Tonight we are going out and then he is going to spend the night, he hasn't stayed over since last weekend and I miss waking up with him.

Just whining

Yesterday was the first day I didn't get to see "T", normally we see each other at least once a day if not twice. He needed to stay home with him boys and I respect that, because I feel the same way about my kids. This post has nothing to do with the kids but the fact that I missed seeing him. I missed lying next to him, touching him and being held by him. Logically I understand that we can't see each other every day but it doesn't stop me from missing him. Today was a tough day, something happened and I freaked out. Something that in the past I would deal with myself and not ask anybody for help. But when it happened my first instinct was to call "T", I knew he was at work and I knew there was a possibility that he wouldn't answer but at the time I was panicking so my brain wasn't working properly. I fixed the problem myself just like I would have before I met him.

After I calmed down I went about my business but I had that shaken feeling and it stayed with me all day. I knew it wasn't fair to blame him because this was something we hadn't spoken about, but I don't call him when he's at work unless there is an emergency or I am returning a call (text yes calling no). Just  something that was instilled in me from past relationships and will be hard to break. So I let him know what happened and what I was thinking, he told me that I needed to call whenever I want to talk to him. He stepped out of a meeting to let me know that I was important to him.

Fast forward to the evening and I miss him & really want to see him but I don't want to pressure him to leave the boys. I don't think he or I should have to choose. I can feel my anxiety kicking in and I really want to take a zanex but instead I am writing this post to relieve some of my feelings. It was a long day, of course I can take care of myself and I know that I have it really great but sometimes I just need to whine.

Good Morning

This morning I was lying in bed thinking about being submissive and what it means to me. Being submissive is not just one feeling of being controled/used for sexual purposes, its a spectrum of many feelings and thoughts. I was thinking about how good it feels to be with "T", who accepts my submissiveness. To me it means sometimes I joke, tease and make cute comments. Other times I am quiet, wondering and shy. Sometimes I am a mother/friend and other times a lover/slut. In the past I have always felt the need to "perform" in bed and now I don't feel that pressure. Sometimes I go into my head and sometimes I express it out loud. Being submissive also means a feeling being peaceful and relaxed, the relationship between "T" and I brings that to me more than anything. I like knowing that he wants to protect me, take care of me and would never let anyone hurt me.  Knowing that he accepts me the way I am makes me want to please him even more because I know what we have is special and rare.

As I was lying in bed I received a phone call from "T" asking what I was doing - lying on the bed. What are you wearing - night gown. OK he says, I want you to reach between your legs and let me know when you are close. I mumble yes sir and he says - what? I repeat clearly yes sir. I start rubbing myself and usually in the past when I rub myself it usually take a couple of minutes to cum. After about 30 seconds I can feel myself getting close and I let him know and he asks are you sure you want to cum? I say yes sir, he says it doesn't sound very convincing. Now at this point I can feel myself really close as I am begging trying to sound more convincing, letting him know that I really want to cum. He tells me I can cum, I was shocked and happy. I finished cumming and now I'm all smiles as we finish our conversation.

After we hung up I thought about it, it's the control (that feeling I live for, the tone I can hear in his voice) he has over me that made me cum so fast , but its also what has left me turned on, my pussy throbbing, wanting more as I sit here writing this.

My first bondage

"T" came over tonight with his bag of goodies. He had been talking about it, but I had never seen it. When he arrived I had already switched the music to country because I know he likes it. He sat on the bed and I stood up holding him, warming him up from the cold night air. He told me to take off my clothes and kneel down, he went to his bag and returned with a blind fold. After placing the blind fold on me he had me take my hands and place them behind my head. He flicked my nipples and then placed something on them, which I found out later were clothes pins, I definitely felt them being pinched but at the time I wasn't sure by what. He only left them on for a little bit (this was also my first clothes pin experience) but long enough for me to feel a burning sensation. After he took them off and brought out the rope, it felt softer than I thought it would be. He began with my wrists (which ended up being laced behind my head) and the rope seem to go down my back up through my pussy and looped around my stomach. My breasts were wrapped and squeezed. I felt very vulnerable and exposed, he had asked me if I was scared. I guess I was a little but not really because I trusted that he would make sure I was OK.

He had me sit on the edge of the bed and lie back. "T" took the rope that went through my pussy and began to pull it tighter, asking me if I could cum just from that - I replied no I didn't believe so (if he had asked me later I would have said yes definitely). Playing with my nipples and I think clamping them again he started playing with my pussy. I knew before as he was tying the rope I was wet, I could feel myself start to throb as I stood there and it seemed like forever. My nipples felt wonderful, he was finger fucking me and right after I could feel myself starting to cum. He reached for my clit and I knew if I didn't ask quickly I would be in trouble. I was asked if I was sure I wanted to cum, yes I was sure. I was asked again and if I really wanted to cum I had better ask please please with sugar on top. I did and he gave me permission to cum and  I did, I love cumming for him.  "T" told me tonight that I have the most sensitive vagina and nipples, I agreed but let him know that I even though I did, no one had ever made me cum so quickly and hard (all the time). I wanted him to know that he was the only person I had ever reacted this way with, he was the only one who knew me and how to touch me.

After I came, he unraveled part of the rope because he said my breast was changing color. But he didn't remove the rope from my hands or the part wrapped in between my legs. Lying on the bed we talked about work and the kids, I think the hardest part of being tied up is not being able to touch "T".  I got cold and he covered me up and somehow we started talking about music. Out came the i-phone with all his music and we started playing name that tune. We had a blast laughing and singing, he was impressed that I knew so many of the songs he played, even a very obscure tune from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang that won me another orgasm. I am sure we played for an hour and when we were done he reached over and kissed me. Placing his hand down on my pussy, his mouth on my nipples and within a matter of seconds I was begging to cum again. Afterwards he untied me and held me until it was time for him to leave. I had such a great time with him, a little bit of vanilla and little bit rock n roll.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not experienced enough for "T" but he told me he is happy that I am experiencing my firsts with him, he says he feels like a kid in a candy store. I was so happy tonight to have my first experience with bondage and clothes pins with "T", he told me it made him happy that he could be my first and that he wanted to be my last.

Very aware

Last night "T" asked me if I had noticed my orgasms denial that he had imposed. Meaning he was the only one who could give me an orgasm. I told him that most of the time I don't notice it, mostly because I'm busy and don't think about it. However the other day I had been in bed (alone) and I reached down to touch myself. As I was touching I realized that I wasn't supposed to be doing that and I pulled back. Today I went into the shower and the water ran over me I thought how nice it would be to use my shower massage head if I were allowed. I like using every now and then just for quick relief. I told "T" about it and he laughed saying that my shower massage and Hitachi wand were going to be very lonely. Then he asked me where I was....on my bed in a towel. He said lie back and start playing with yourself, let me know when you are close. I asked him if he was going to let me cum, he said he hadn't decided. So I started rubbing my clit and pretty quickly I could feel that warm rush and as I got closer, I told him. I asked him if I could cum and he said NO, take your hand away.

Most days I really don't think about it that often until "T" reminds me when I talk to him or if I see him.  Today is not one of those day...today I am very aware and its on my mind.

Somehow we started talking about his toys and going shopping (love shopping) for toys to buy. Then he asked me if I wear skirts (something he has asked me before) and I said yes but because it had been so cold I hadn't been. He told me that the cold wasn't his problem and that if he wanted I would wear it. The only reason I bring up the cold is because this is Florida and today it was 39 degrees. The palm trees are covering up because Florida shouldn't be this cold.

We also talked about use waiting until Jan 1st to have sex. He had spoken to his sister and she said we should wait until we get married (religious) and that he was probably waiting only because I wouldn't give it up - if she only knew!!  Really we decided because we didn't want to jump into playing before we got to know each other. Both he and I had been involved with other people who we played with before we knew them. For him it was because as he did get to know them he found them annoying or didn't understand about his kids, for me it was more of my vanilla backround kicking in. The one that says you should wait until you are in a monogamous relationship until you have sex. I knew when I played with someone immediately that it would never turn into a relationship, so really anyone I did play with was just for that and nothing else. When I met "T" I knew that it could be more and I am glad he decided we should wait.

I love country music

I am still throbbing from my time with "T", for 2 hours he rubbed, caressed, pinched and teased me. He allowed me to cum at least 10 times and at one point put a clock on how many times I could cum. I love that he can make me cum so many times, I love that even when I'm in the moment I can feel him watching me as I am cumming.

OK from the beginning, first I know "T" had a tough day at work because we had lunch earlier in the day, so I wasn't sure how he would be tonight. I wondered if he would be overly aggressive, rougher or angry, surprisingly enough I don't think it effected his actions towards me. He was a little more introspective than usual but other than that he was the same. Tonight was little different because we knew he would have to leave at a certain time because of his boys. Something we have to start taking into account, remembering that as much fun as we are having, we both have responsibilities. We talked about him staying over on the weekend and one night during the week. Maybe we can stay at his house one night so that the boys don't feel excluded. He also talked about bringing over his toy bag and leaving it at my house, because every time we are together he wishes he had it available.

As soon as "T" arrived I could feel my heart flutter and the tension leave my body, he has a very calming effect on me- like I can relax now because he will take care of me. We went into my room and closed the door, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. Immediately he began to undress me and told me to kneel, one of my favorite routines we have, I wait all day to be able to kneel at his feet. Tonight he placed my arms behind my head and I left them there until  he was done with me. He then told me to get into bed, where he joined me. Taking me in his arms to touch every inch of my body, over and over. Tweaking my nipples the entire time we were together. In the beginning he placed his hand on my pussy and rubbed ever so lightly teasing me until he started rubbing my clit. I asked for permission to cum, but was denied several times if I remember (I was trying to concentrate on my breathing).  When he finally did allow me to cum, I came very hard and fast, this continued many times. The very last time there was a country song on and he said that I was permitted to cum as many times as I wanted during the song, I didn't have to ask for permission but did have to tell him when I was cumming. That was  like a little slice of heaven, "T" making me cum again and again until the song ended. As I was enjoying the after effects of his orgasm control, I told him that I loved country music too.

"T" loves country music and said that he was going to make me listen to the same song over and over until I could sing it and then I would be allowed to cum, clothes pins were also mentioned more than once tonight, he laughed when he said it - I knew he wasn't joking.

I love you

Last night "T" met one of my very good friends and it went very well. We laughed, drank, ate and enjoyed some very interesting jokes. I was very pleased. Then I met his son's, 2 wonderful boys - beautiful smiles and very polite. By the time we were done it was very late and as I sat on the chair waiting for him to get into bed, instead he came and kneeled in front of me. Totally freaked me out because I was expecting to kneel for him and I didn't know what he wanted. He started kissing on me and hugging me, turns out he just wanted to be affectionate & playful. He asked me what I wanted and I told him I was cold and tired. So he went over to the bed and I kneeled down, he began to kiss and caress me, he said that I had a choice. I could have an orgasm or I could get into bed, at that point I was so tired I choose bed, knowing I would have more energy in the morning. I crawled into bed and fell asleep in his arms in moments. Sleeping with "T" has become wonderful and easy.

This morning I woke before him and I lie there thinking about the things he had told me, like I love you. He had told me last night, I had already resisted the urge to say it days ago telling myself that I would wait (at least until he said it first). I tell my kids & family everyday whenever I speak with them I love you, whenever we are on the phone or they are going somewhere, its just my nature. So the urge to tell "T" I loved him was very natural for me and resisting was almost a physical pull back for me, but I didn't want to push things too fast, LOL! While I was thinking about "T" he woke up and began to caress me, pinching my nipples, rubbing my body and gently skimming my pussy (but not enough to make me cum). He saw the look on my face that I give him when I want something and he asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to push is finger deeply into my pussy, which he did but it wasn't exactly what I had wanted. He laughed and told me next time I needed to ask for exactly what I wanted. After giving me a hard time he placed his fingers in my pussy again (I don't remember what he or I said) and with in seconds I was ready to cum.

My eyes flew open and I looked at him and asked him I could cum and he whispered yes, I exploded. I thanked him and he began caressing me again. He placed his hand on my pussy and within 2 seconds I was begging to cum again and he said yes. I came hard but he didn't stop rubbing and I just kept cumming over and over. There was some question as to whether it was one continuous or 3 times, "T" said if it had been just one continuous one that I was OK, but if I had cum several times without asking for permission there would be consequences. I smirked and assured him that it had been one, I told him later I had been unsure and he laughed saying he knew. I just realized he laughs at me a lot and I love it. There was a moment this morning when he had said something to me and I caught a glimpse of things to come, knowing that he had much much more in store for me and that I have only tasted his control over me.

When I was done cumming, he allowed me to hold him and make him cum. I love his cock, it so beautiful and hard. After cleaning him up he held me until we had to get out of bed, which was hard because I could have stayed there all day enjoying him. He says we are like to teenagers doing everything but having sex. I am definitely enjoying myself.

Told not asked

Last night we went for a drink, movie and a late dinner. The movie was The Tourist and at the beginning of the movie Angela Jolie's character says to Johnny Depp "no woman wants to be asked, she wants to be told". I laughed when I heard that because I knew exactly what she was telling him. "T" whispered in my ear, I guess you don't want to be asked either, I smiled. Afterwards we went out for a late dinner and as we were sitting there "T" looked at me and said I am going to marry you. The funny part is it didn't freak me out because I knew what he was telling me was true, I feel the same way he does. This is the most unusual relationship I have ever been in, its calm, easy and incredibly passionate. I don't worry or fret like I have in other relationships, I feel accepted and loved.

We came home and I had been looking forward to kneeling, I had thought about it all night. "T" took off my nightgown as I kneeled down beside the bed and he kissed me. Then he placed my hand around his hard cock and told me I could get into bed after I had made him cum. I began to stroke him, feeling his incredible hardness slide up and down my hand. "T" told me to play with myself as I stroked him, telling me he loved to watch me. We came at the same time and I got incredibly dizzy and sank down against the bed. After steadying myself I cleaned him up and got into bed. We fell asleep curled up together and slept very well.

This morning he allowed me to stroke him again until he came. Afterwards as he held me he started rubbing my pussy and then he fell asleep, I was trapped under him. His hand occasionally twitching on my pussy just enough to keep me awake. After a while I fell asleep and when I woke up he was rubbing me again. Only this time he brought me to the edge about 10 times but didn't allow me to finish. He said he was having to much fun torturing me and that my puppy dog eyes made it hard for him to deny me, but somehow he would manage. Being the slut that I am every time he started towards my pussy I opened up and wanted him to rub even though I knew he might not let me cum (which I never did). "T" said maybe tonight.

He also incorporated "Sir" into our conversation and every time I forgot to say it he would pinch my nipple hard to remind me.

Seatbelt

I just left "T", we had lunch together today. As we were leaving he had opened my car door and then he reached in and put on my seat belt (something he had told me before that he wanted to start doing, which I am adding to my rules page). One of my biggest problem is the car, last night I forgot to wait until he opened the door - but he said I would be punished later for it. But back to the seat belt, I can't tell you how wet I got as he reached over, I don't know if was the act itself or the reasoning behind it but it was hot!! It doesn't hurt that he's handsome and I know couple of the woman in the restaurant saw him open the door as I stood there waiting. It's moments like those that ad this electricity to our vanilla relationship that nobody else realizes.

Last night "T" came over and ended up staying the night. We didn't do anything other than kiss and snuggle together, it was really nice. I love that I have to kneel before I get into bed, I look forward to it. We woke up around 3am and just talked about us, the kids and just stuff. The decision we made to get to know each other before we had sex was a great idea, I feel like our relationship is going to have a good foundation. Tonight we are going to the movies and just thinking about it makes me wonder....he really keeps me on my toes - in a good way.

Rainy day

This morning "T" had called me to say hello and make sure I had slept well. Then he mentioned that because it was a rainy day he was going to send his guys home and he would probably go home as well, at least until his meeting at noon. I began to start my day of shopping but my daughter wouldn't cooperate and wake up (since she wasn't home I couldn't get her up myself), so I sent "T" a text, letting him know that I was alone with nothing to do. Not really, lol, but I was hoping I would. He wrote back and said he was coming right over.

When he arrived the first thing he did was take off my robe, nightgown and panties. I love to be undressed by him, I find it to be very erotic and I think about us being in public and him helping me with my jacket and how similar it is. He had me kneel in front of him as he sat on the bed, fully clothed. He kissed me, caressed me and played with my nipples. When he was done he told me to get into bed and he proceeded to undress. Now all the times we have been together this was the first time he had been totally nude, so I got to see him for the first time and it was wonderful. Very handsome looking and everything I knew it would be. He came to bed and we cuddled, kissed and he touched me everywhere. Today he concentrated on spanking my pussy and then stopping and then repeating the process until I couldn't take it anymore. Eventually he let me cum, but only one time today. After that I asked him if had seen what he done to me yesterday, he told me to roll over on my stomach. He said I must have sensitive skin because I was still red and black&blue from my spanking. Then he told me he was going to do it again. It all seemed to roll together, but he spanked me then he would stop and rub and then continue. "T" wanted me to see if I could be spanked to the point of crying, it made me nervous and excited.  He said that I was to take it as long as I could then turn my head and after that he would spank me 4 (or something like that) more times.

He began spanking me, getting harder and harder. When I couldn't take anymore I turned my head, only in the wrong direction (I seem to get lost during spanking, hard to concentrate). He told me that he understood what I had done, gave me the extra hits and at that point he took me in his arms to comfort me. "T" wants to know how I feel about spanking and I told him I am not sure. I like it, I enjoy it and I want it but that's really all I can say right now. He wanted to know if I wanted on a regular basis - like a set day, but I just don't know yet. After that he let me hold him and make him cum, he came a lot!! Then I wiped him up with a towel, I am looking forward to tasting him. He took me in his arms and we fell asleep until he had to leave for his meeting. I can feel the sting on my butt but I haven't looked at it yet to see if there are marks. I like rainy days....

PS When "T" first arrived he told me he had seen my post about closure. He said that if I had any more problems he would talk to him and if he showed up I was to call the police and then "T". I can't tell you how secure that made me feel, especially since it didn't even occur to me to call the police.

Closure

As you know I stopped all communication with others so that I may pursue an exclusive relationship with "T". Of course stopping is always easier for at least one of the parties than the other. Over the last few days I have been receiving phone calls from "K", only I didn't realize because I had them sent directly to voicemail. It wasn't until he sent an email asking me why I wouldn't accept his calls. These emails turned a little possessive today and so I sought the advice of a friend, someone who I confide in that would be neutral. "K" had been requesting a phone call just to talk even after I had told him things were over. The only reason I even communicated with him was because he knew where I lived. This last request had me a little freaked out and I almost took his call, then she reminded me how many times I had been on the receiving end of a breakup that I didn't get the resolution I had wanted. She was also worried that he may try to exercise his control over me, but what she doesn't understand about me (something I have had my whole life) is once I'm done, I'm done. This switch flips in my head and there's no going back, I used it with my ex-husband and several boyfriends. I think of it as a protection of sorts for my emotional well being, like a shield. So I sent him a final reply today and told him not to contact me anymore, that I was exercising the agreement we had of being able to end it whenever we choose to with no hard feelings. Ironically the one we put in place when he felt I would become addicted to him. I hope this is the last I will hear from him.

I also heard from "L" today, letting me know that he wasn't interested in a long term relationship but would like to play with me in the future. I told him I had found what I was looking for and wished him well. The others that had emailed me I just let drop after I deleted my ad. Hopefully that will be the last ad I ever have place.

My first spanking

Today I went to lunch with a girlfriend, right down the street from "T's" work. He had asked me to stop by to visit him after I was done. He showed me to his office, had me sit in one of the chairs and he locked the door. Now I should mention I am still surprised over what happened last night, so I wasn't expecting anything today other than conversation. After he locked the door he pulled up another office chair beside me and began kissing me. His kisses just make me melt and his hands are strong and he knows how to use them. As we were kissing he began to caress my pussy through my pants. Then after he had me all worked up, he unzipped them and put his hand in and began to finger me. It felt so good and here is good time to mention there were several windows in the office (I realized later) that you can see in to the office from the outside. I asked if I could cum and he said yes, afterwards he asked how I felt knowing there were people right outside his office. I blushed and he said dirty, naughty, slutty, all of the above and I said yes. I thought about the question again and I told him my answer was that it made me feel like I belong to him.

We made out some more, answered text messages from our kids, made plans for a concert, answered work calls (lol) and then he said he wished he had something here at the office - his paddle. That kind of turned me on and then next thing I know he steps out. He went to check to see who was still there and I guess it was OK because he had me stand up and he unzipped my capri pants, pulled them down as well as my underwear. Now not thinking something like this was going to happen, I didn't have my best underwear on, plus I am expecting my period and I had on a pantie liner. So here I am standing with my hands on his desk bent forward and humiliated. He rubbed my ass first and caressed my pussy gently, then he spanked me. I am not going to lie it stung, he kept going switching cheeks each time. When he knew I couldn't take anymore he said OK I am going to give you two more on each cheek and you are going to count. Well I screwed that up and said 1,2 & 1,2, thankfully he didn't notice or he didn't care, but I knew I sounded like ridiculous. Afterwards he held & petted me, which is one of those wonderful gifts he gives me when we are together. Then he told me I could pull up my pants and he pushed against the door to kiss me.

My very first real spanking and I can feel it every time I move, it reminds me of him.

Just a movie...I swear

After a crazy busy day "T" called and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee and I said no, do you want to come over and watch a movie instead? So we made a plan, we were going to watch The Secretary which I had on my dvr. A few hours later he showed up, I had told my son that "T" would be coming over and I introduced them, then we went to watch the movie - I swear!

We walk in my bedroom and I shut the door, "T" takes me in his arms and we kiss, then he sits on the edge of my bed. He pulls me towards him and then next thing I know my top is off, then the bra. He kisses my nipples and then he's taking off my lace panties and sweat pants. I am standing naked in front of him and he's telling me how beautiful I am, I am blushing because I am so self conscious about my stomach but he can't see it because the lights are off and only a couple of candles are lit. He tells me to get into bed and he takes off his shirt and pants, leaving on his underwear. He starts caressing me, kissing me, fondling me and then he reaches down and touches my pussy, very gently. Slowly teasing me, watching me as he puts his finger inside of me. I am moaning as he finger fucks me over and over, each time I had to ask to cum before and I was not denied. He made me cum about 5 or 6 times, once even with a finger in my ass & pussy at the same time. While he was playing with my ass he started what I can only describe as taking little bites of my skin at the same time, it hurt but felt good. Afterwards he would hold me each time, which I love - we talked and he stroked me, I felt very cared for.

He told me to kiss his chest all over, then I was told to suck on his big toes, kiss the back of his legs all the way up to his head. I felt something I had never experienced with any other man, I had not only wanted to do all of this, I enjoyed doing it. He made me feel like I did everything right, that I was pleasing him. Then he lay on his stomach with his face at the end of the bed and had me kneel in front of him. He kissed me very hard, then told me to play with myself as he kissed me. When he pulled away he held onto my hair and told me to keep looking at him in the eye, I was to tell him when I came but didn't need to ask. He told me I was beautiful as I came.

After that we crawled into bed and cuddled. "T" fell asleep fairly quickly but before he told me he couldn't wait until January 1st, that it would be so special to begin the new year together. I quickly discovered "T" snored and so I just lied there for a while, dozing on and off. Around 11-12 I went and checked to make sure my son's TV was off and the house was secure. Then I crawled back into bed, "T" ended up leaving this morning at 6:30am (I snuck him out the front door because I don't ever have men sleep over). I wasn't prepared for last night I honesty thought we were just going to watch a movie. I didn't sleep very well because I wasn't used to having someone in my bed, I didn't have my pillows the way I like them and I will have to get used to the snoring (however when I roll him over on his side, it is quieter) - all of this is OK because I will adjust and it will get easier for me to sleep.

Lunch, Dinner & Driving me crazy

I was nervous yesterday before I went to lunch with "T", wondering if it would still be as good as it was the past few of days. The answer was yes! We met for lunch and ended up staying there, holding hands and talking for 2 1/2 hrs. Then later that night we met for dinner and this sushi/steakhouse I had been dying to try. We sat a the big hibachi grill with other couples and "T" pulled me so that I was lying against his chest as we watched the chef put on the show. He held me until our dinner was complete, kissing me every now and then. He pointed out an older couple at the table who sat apart from each other and told me he never wanted to be like that. He always wanted me touching him. He also instituted a new rule that when I have a coat, he will put it on and button it for me. Also I am not to open any doors, I am to wait for him - I would say the car one is the one I will have to get used to the most. After that we went for a drive to the beach and since it was somewhere in the low 50's high 40's, we did not get out of the car. But we did make out like a couple of high school kids, we were together for 6 1/2 hrs and still didn't want to leave each other.

I feel like I have hit the lottery...someone who is dominant, accepts my submissiveness (sexually and otherwise), has the similar belief's (hand in hand/surrendered wife), he's smart, handsome & sexy, we both have older children, family is important to us, I could go on and on. I know I haven't been on this journey for long but I was starting to get discouraged, thinking that I was never going to find someone who wanted the same things I did.

I have to admit while we were making out in the car, which was so wonderful (he is an amazing kisser). He did experiment with nipple play on me to find out my tolerance for pain, I held out as long as I could and each time it felt better. He teased and tormented me for hours and touching me only through my jeans. When I was felt like jello in his arms, he unzipped my pants and put his hand on the inside on my thighs, stroking me gently. He asked me what I wanted and I said for him to touch me and he did. First my clit gently stroking it, the reaching down lower and eventually sticking his finger in my wet pussy. Oh my god it felt so good, but he told me I couldn't cum and he brought me to the point of almost several times. He told me I was a good girl for not cumming, even though I wanted to too so bad! This morning I woke up to my pussy throbbing (and it still is) wanting to feel his touch again. "T" said he was going to enjoy torturing and teasing me until the first when he might let let me feel his cock inside of me.

"T" also told me something that surprised me, he said that I had something that most of the subs he had come across didn't have and that I wasn't even aware of it....I was truly submissive. He explained that some women play at it or do it for a time but were not truly submissive. I thought you either were or weren't, but whatever it was that he saw it made him happy and that's all that I care about. At the end of then night we didn't want to leave each other and I can't remember the last time I have ever felt this way, if ever.

Monogamous

Yesterday "T" and spoke on the phone for a while and one of the things he said to me was I want to hear from you, I don't want you to think that I feel you are needy. So please text me, call me or write me anytime you feel like it, I laughed because earlier that morning when I didn't have my glasses on and I was pressing buttons on my phone to call my son I accidentally called "T". When I realized what I had done I immediately hung up and sent him a text message apologizing for the calling by mistake. So I thought it was very nice of him to say that to me, making me feel comfortable enough that if I wanted to reach out I could. He also told me that whenever I greet him I am to kiss him (one of my first rules to remind me that I am his). After this I thought about "T" and knew that he was different than the other men I had met, he was special. So I wrote him an email.

"T", I like you in a different way than the other men that I have come across, we seem to have the same principals for a relationship and that is what I have been looking for.
As you know by now it would be very simple for you get me to play with you or even sleep with you. But I would like to wait until (and that's if we both wanted it) a monogamous commitment is made. At that time I would no longer communicate with others or pursue any type of outside relationship while we were together and would expect from my partner.

I hope you understand and I would like to hear your thoughts.

His response:

I totally agree with what you have said.  I am no longer looking or talking to any others.   I canceled a date I had tonight and I will be closing my collar me account today.  So when I sleep with someone again it will be you.  So I am not looking anymore nor sleeping, playing or corresponding  with anyone else and hope to have the same from you.   Its the only way we can figure out if this is right  for us both and I feel it is, we have to concentrate on each other.
   That said I have no intention of sleeping with you anytime soon even though as of now I am monogamous to  you in all ways.   I have already thought about it happening around the first or on the first but I want the first time to be a night we sleep together all night.   That said I will  touch you, kiss, fondle, grope, maybe see you naked,make you orgasm, etc as it feels right if it is before then or not. Most likely it will be.     But you have my word I will not try to have sex  with you before the first.  Maybe longer it will just depend on how much I am enjoying teasing you over this hunger I have to screw your brains out cause you are so damn sexy and beautiful.   I like the idea of courting you and being devoted just to you and just letting stuff happen.    I will be getting an std test around the middle of month to make sure everything is clean.   I have no reason to think its not, but just want to make sure.   If you want to do one with me you can and I will pay for it. 

I was very touched by his response and last night after I got home I removed "the ad" and have stopped communicating with anyone else. I am committed to finding out where this is going to lead us. He also told me with no judgement that he was enjoying my blog, enjoying finding out about my thoughts and that makes me feel good (relieved). He also told me the other day I was not allowed to cum. We are going to lunch together today, I can't wait to see him.