Learning Curve

I have learned a lot over the past few months, my views on life have changed and what I originally thought I wanted, well that has also changed. 

When I originally decided to do this I thought I wanted a hard core Dom/Sub relationship and I have since figured out that it may just a little too much for me. "R" was really hard core and I enjoyed what he offered me at the time, it was exciting but I have to admit I was scared to think about the reality of what he expected. I know that I don't want someone who is a new "Dom", I know myself well enough to know that I do not want to top from the bottom. That would be just like all the other relationships I have been in.

I also know that being involved with "Sir" is a little overwhelming also, he is probably one step below "R" in intensity and not as scary (definately feel safer). Don't get me wrong I am enjoying myself immensly and look forward each time to being pushed a little more. I also feel overwhelming intensity each time I am with him or talking to him and it is draining, just thinking about being with someone like that full time is too much for me.

I thought I had to focus on just finding a Dom and everything else would fall into place but that's not how it works. Like everything else I do I have to go to the extreme to realize what works for me. The dom/sub relationship is like a recipe, there are basic ingredients for the dish but make a few changes and your dish comes out just little different from mine.  I haven't found that right combination but it is still a work in progress and each time I  find a new spice that tastes even better than the last.

Looking for this type of relationship is like regular dating and like the ice cream at Coldstone I am enjoying sampling all the flavors before I decide which one I want. That's the real joy of life, the experience.

All before noon

As you know early this morning "Sir" brought me to four orgasms so I decided to go back to bed for while. I set my alarm and a few minutes later my text message went off. It was "Sir" asking me what I was doing, what was I thinking - I was actually thinking of my head in his lap and his fingers in my pussy and how I was still dripping wet. Was I alone he asked, yes for about an hour and half, what did I want? Of course I wanted him, I wanted to be fucked. I told him I was still naked and not rubbing myself. Right after that I received a call to say my appointment would be at 12pm, I still had to shower and make myself presentable. So I dragged myself out of bed and threw on a nightie.

Literally 5 minutes later "Sir" called to see what I was doing. He told me that he was too far away and he would never be able to make it before my appointment. He wanted me to squeeze my pussy for him as requested I did and I could see where this was headed. He demanded that I go to the wall by the door, lean against it and squeeze myself, and rub my pussy which I did happily. Spread my legs wider and stick two fingers in my pussy to see how wet it was, very wet. Pinch my nipple hard like he would if he were there, then pinch my clit just as hard. I asked for permission to cum, but he said no, take a deep breath and pinch your clit again he said (my clit is throbbing just writing this, I am so easy). During all of this I was moaning uncontrollably and for a moment I thought what if someone were to come to the door and hear me, but that passed because I just didn't care.

After that I told me to turn around and rub my nipples against the wall each one, then together roughly. Pinch my clit hard he said, spread your legs wider. As I moaned and begged to cum, he said no - I think he denied me about four times. I was basically humping the wall, pushing my ass out to rub it as he requested in between pinching my clit and rubbing my nipples against the wall. There came a point where all I could hear was this whooshing sound in my head, a sound I recognized because I have passed out before. I begged him to let me sit or lay down, he said no take a deep breath, I begged again because it wasn't going away. No he kept saying just take a deep breath. Eventually is dulled down somewhat and I heard him say, there's going to be a knock at the door it will be me open it up and he hung up.

I opened the door, still dizzy and he came in pushing me up against the wall facing forward. The same wall I had just been leaning against, he pushed his fingers up into my pussy and I felt my ass jut out as he thrust. He whispered in my ear, are you going to be my good slut and cum for me? He grabbed my hair and he asked if I wanted to cum. I begged yes please sir let me cum and he did, thank you. I don't know what happened next but I know he turned me around and put his hand on my clit and I came again all over his hand. He pulled me over by the couch, put my hand on his cock and kissed me as I was permitted to touch him. I remember sitting on the couch with him next to me, his hands in my pussy my legs spread wide open and I was begging to cum again. "Sir" stood up and took off his dress pants, told me not to move, but the site of him opening his pants was too much and went to my knees. He yelled and said don't move and I fell forward kneeling on the couch. He hit my ass hard for disobeying him and then told me to suck his cock. I was happy to finally taste it, nice and firm good size and fullness - tasting wonderful. But then he pulled it away from me and told me to sit back on the couch, saying you only get a taste. One thing I have noticed over the past couple of days, "Sir" has some unbelievable control over himself, I have never experienced that with any other man.

He had me open my legs again and he started hitting my pussy, every time harder and harder. Putting his fingers in after and getting me from wet to dripping. This next time he asked me if I wanted to cum, yes I screamed please "Sir" make me cum, I opened my legs wider and humped his hand. After that he started pinching my nipples and smacking them, asking me if I could cum from that, when I said no he twisted harder. Then hit my pussy, back and forth, I was begging again to cum again like the slut that I am for him. He let me cum one more time then let me suck on his cock and drink his cum, I took it all. Afterwards he made sure I was calm and OK, even let me rest my head against him and before he left kissed me.

It was 11:25 and I had to take the quickest shower, do my make up and get dressed in 15 min. I made it to the meeting and as I was sitting with the three other ladies my mind drifted back realizing that I had orgasmed about nine times all before noon. What an amazing morning!!

Note as I finish writing this I am completely dripping wet again.

Mental Collaring

While I was driving home this morning I imagined a lot of things, my meeting today, laundry, the email or phone call ending my relationship with "Sir" but never did imagine I would end up face down on my bed basking in the glow of four orgasms and cum dripping out of me. I guess you just never know where life will lead you.

Last night after I woke up at 1am because the electricity had gone off, I posted about honesty, I truly believed that "Sir" was going to end things with me. So this morning when he called I knew this was it, this was the call. I thought about not answering but I was curious about what he was going to say, how he was going to end it. His commanding voice wished me a good morning, telling me he had read the email I sent him before I went to bed last night.

I enjoy your company and everything you have to offer.
There is nothing I can say to make you believe me and if you don't want to be in this that is ok, after all we both agreed that we could call it off anytime. But I can tell you if you decide to go forward when we are together I will be enjoying myself, getting into it and I will expect you to hold me, pet and become intimate and I will reciprocate the same.
I am very honest about my feelings and if you can't handle that then please just let me know and it will be over.
Regardless I am going to open myself up to you, this link below is my public blog that I have been recording my journey that I started on October 1st and is a recount of everything I have been through.
This has everything that I think and feel - it is honest and upfront, just like me. You can enjoy it and still go your own way doesn't matter to me either way.

I was pretty sure that if he wasn't freaked out enough the line about expecting him to hold me, pet and be intimate would be the clincher. I felt him hold back the other day, like he was afraid to get to close to me afterwards and he confirmed that later when he said that he thought I would become addicted to him. I had to be totally honest, I have been in too many relationships where things were never said and feelings were pushed aside and I decided when I started this I didn't want that if only for me.

Anyway he called this morning and said he had read it and he felt better about us, WOW I was totally taken by surprise and it made me wet (such a slut). He asked me what I was wearing, now since I was still tired from getting up in the middle of my sleep I had gotten back into bed, naked. I love being naked in bed, I have high thread count sheets that I really enjoy rolling around in. He wanted to know if I was wet, so of course I had to reach down and feel my pussy. I explained that yes I was wet and he had me grab my pussy, then smack my pussy several times, it felt wonderful having his voice in my ear. Not as wonderful as if he were doing but I imagined that it was him. This went on a few times and then I was to rub my pussy, my legs spread. I begged him to cum and being the generous man that he is he said yes. But he didn't let me stop there I was to pinch my clit and nipple and continue doing it over and over. All the time "Sir" is talking to me and things seem to be flowing a little easier for me today as far as conversation, I must be getting used to him. He told me to open my legs wider and all I wanted was to feel his cock inside me. Now at this point I can't tell you where the second orgasm ends and the third begins, all I know is I went from one to the next. Begging him to let me cum each time. When I didn't think I could go anymore, he had me roll over on my stomach and rub my pussy. 

Being on my stomach with the fan overhead blowing down on my back, so exposed is very erotic. He told me as I rubbed to imagine him standing over me, his big hard cock inches from my face. Then he told me he was rubbing my ass and I begged to cum again, but he said no. When he says no my brain jerks to attention wondering whats going on. He told me to keep rubbing but that I wasn't aloud to cum. He was touching my ass and then he slipped a finger inside me, I moaned loudly wanting to cum more. I felt like I could feel him behind me, his voice in my ear - gives me chills just writing it. It gets a little fuzzy but I almost came unglued begging him to let me cum, telling him I wanted to feel his cock inside me and begging some more. He must have said yes because not only did I cum again, but I almost fell off the bed and I definitely dropped the phone. I have never cum 4 times in a row and never more than once or twice by my own hand. He told me I was a good girl and calmed me down.

As my head started to clear he asked me when I wanted to be trained again, Thursday I said because I knew he was busy to next two days. He said we'll see, I may just have to see you today. Then he wanted to know if he asked me to go out and pick up a man or woman and sleep with them would I, I couldn't speak. I didn't feel safe enough, I didn't have an answer. He adjusted the question to if I were with you would let a woman lick your pussy and I said yes. I would do it for him. He asked me if I had enjoyed being mentally collared, I thought about it for a second and laughed, he was right I had been mentally collared by him. After we hung up I lay on the bed on my stomach just enjoying the feeling of being used for "Sirs" pleasure.
 

Honesty??

Is there such a thing as too much honesty?

This type of relationship (not encounter) has to be based on honesty for it to work (at least for me). I have had a couple of encounters and they were not satisfying because I wasn't able to give myself fully. So the man who had been pursuing me for a week, whom I found to be very attractive not only physically but mentally is going to break it off with me because I was too honest and it made him uncomfortable.

When I decided that I wanted to pursue a relationship with "K", after changing my mindset about only wanting to be in an LTR, I was completely honest with him. I understood the rules we had set down, I engaged in play with no holds barred determined to get out of this exactly what I wanted - to be controlled by a man both physically and mentally and enjoy it. No it wasn't a LTR, but I understood that, I was OK with that. The only thing I required was that I know who he was before I would let him in my home. Why on earth would I let a perfect stranger into my home where I live with my children? I am a slut but I will always be strong enough to protect myself and my children. Well it seems my total honesty freaked him out and now I am pretty sure I will be getting that email today breaking it off.

I don't understand was I supposed to lie? Is that what he wanted? Why wasn't he just honest and tell me to lie, LOL! Oh well, the man has skills he will find somebody else and so will I.

On a positive note I have received a few more emails since I went to bed (and have since gotten back up) that have some nice pictures, so there's always hope.

More Responses

So I got about 20 more responses to my ad today (more are coming in as I write this, all I need is one) and all I can say is OMG. What are men thinking when they send me a picture of their penis?? So far I have gotten 4 and out of that there was only 1 that was even good looking. They could do better engaging my mind than showing me what they've got.

"R" had a great picture, he lived in Jacksonville and West Palm Beach, but couldn't hold a conversation to save his life. Some of these guys are so boring, I clearly state in the ad that I am looking for a mental challenge.
"DJ" sent me picture of all his equipment and toys. Stating that he was trained in the house of geisha by masters. I'll bet he has a dungeon in his garage.
"G" nice picture, looks like a decent guy - lets see how it goes. Turned out to be a switch, just beginning to be a dominant. I don't want to try that again.
"J" nice picture, looks good - emails have begun. Seems to have a sense of humor.
"A" nice picture but his email sounds a little fishy, like a spam.
"R" older man, unsure of his age. Waiting for reply.
"K" little young 36, waiting for picture.
"M" this guy keeps emailing me everyday saying why don't you just pick me I am the real thing, why do you even keep looking? Give me a break. He tells me I am being very foolish. Then he writes back I am taking control of this call me RIGHT AWAY, lol!
"T" wants me to send a picture of my butt to him - I will get right on that.

I have found that men go one of three ways, mention they are dominant right away - go overboard and mention that they are way dominant or they don't mention it at all (that's the frustrating one, then I have to pull it out of them).

On another note, I was wrong I heard from "Sir" today twice, he called once and I missed it then he called back tonight. He is worried about my checking into his background (which is not different that any other guy I would date and let in my house) he is afraid I am going to become addicted to him. I told him if he's not into it that I would understand and that trust is the basis for this relationship (both ways). I am not going to try to convince him, either he wants it or he doesn't. Everybody has to feel comfortable. I loved what he did to me and I think that he is confusing my getting into it for something else or he wants a way out. He has to know that I am going to enjoy everything he has to offer otherwise what's the point? Right?

Training begins

I spent the morning wondering what it would be like to have him here in my bed. I fretted over what to and what not to wear, I ended up going with a camisole, bra, lace panties and short skirt. On top of me being all worked up about pleasing him, he calls me to let me know he's on the way. I don't know how far or when he will be here. Then he made me tell him how worked up I was, was I wet. As I leaned against my closet door, my eyes closed and my body curled up. He kept asking me what I wanted him to do and when I didn't answer quick enough he snapped at me. I shut down and I told him I couldn't do it. I guess he heard it in my voice because he told me to take a deep breath and calm down. Then he said what is going through your mind? I told him that talking made me uncomfortable and it pushed me somewhere I don't feel comfortable, he said but you like being pushed don't you? I said yes. I know by telling him that he now knows my achilles heel, I feel so vulnerable.

I am to greet him properly at the door - pull him in against the wall and kiss him like I want to be kissed. He asked what was my reaction to that and I told him I didn't feel comfortable having control. He said I wouldn't have it for long. I am feeling so dizzy that I can barely think, I am scared, excited, nervous, overwhelmed.

20 min later
He knocked on the door, dressed in his dress shirt and dress pants because he was at work. He came in pulled me to him and grabbed the back of my neck and said in my ear You are my good girl, I think I would have melted onto the floor if he hadn't backed me up against the wall. He reached under my skirt and put his hand on my pussy. He asked where I would like to be trained and I led him to the bedroom. Before I could lock the door he pushed me up against the wall and pressed my face against it and told me to spread my legs. Still pushing me against the wall he pulled up my skirt and put his fingers in my pussy, they slid right in so I am guessing I was a little wet. He then grabbed me by the back of the neck and pushed my into the room and onto the bed. It gets a little fuzzy after that...I remember getting a smack on the ass and I remember him telling me to be quiet. I can still feel the stinging on my cheek. I am pretty sure if he had continued finger fucking me I would have cum on his hand but he stopped. Told me to get on the ottoman and as he stood over me, told me to touch my pussy like I wanted him to touch it. So I began to rub myself, I was wet. He sat down in the chair and he pulled down my camisole so he could pinch my nipples as I was rubbing myself. I am sitting on the ottoman legs wide apart, skirt up, panties pulled to the side, camisole down, leaning back he whispered in my ear to cum for him. I did gratefully, thank you "Sir". After I came he took my fingers and put them in my mouth so I could taste myself. When I was done he played with my nipples some more, I didn't tell him but if he had put his fingers in my pussy while he was pinching my nipples I would have cum again.

He told me I was too amped up to continue, so he had me take some deep breaths to relax. Then said that at any time he could flip my switch and get me off. We then talked again about the rules: I was to continue dating and looking for what I originally wanted, we could end it at anytime, no bringing in our personal lives, no calling him at night. I ask him have you received a call from me that wasn't requested and he said no, I think of it as following business etiquette. I could tell he was nervous about this relationship and I had to stop from laughing. He thinks I am going to go pyscho and tell his wife or someone in his private life. $10 says he tests me and waits a few days to call me. Really I could care less about them, this is just a path on my journey to finding what I really do want someone who will give it all to me. After that he left and went back to work leaving me happy but wanting more.

Its not the destination, its the journey...with all the twists and turns.

Good Morning Sir

The first text I received this morning made me smile and warm sensation flooded my body. Then came the phone call, the not knowing what he was going to do next. He asked me how it made me feel when he called. He asked me how wet I was, I told him a little. Then he said squeeze your pussy, squeeze harder. Are your nipples hard, yes I said because they usually are. Then he said squeeze your pussy again and again. Run your hand along your thigh like I would, open your legs wider and squeeze. "Sir" asked me if I wanted to cum and I replied yes, then he asked how badly would you like to cum - very badly "Sir".

I asked him if I could cum and he said yes, I explained to him that I would have to leave the computer where I was sitting and go into my bedroom, because there were people sleeping in the other room. He told me no, I was to stay in the chair and start rubbing my pussy. I could feel my wetness starting to seep through. He had me squeeze and rub until I begged him to let me cum, it happened very quickly. Which I was surprised by, actually I don't know why, he makes me wet and I get excited A+B=C duh! I guess I just haven't felt this way about anyone else. Anyway he told me I could cum and it was quick, hard and it felt great, what a terrific way to start the day. I love being under his control, calling when ever he wants to make me cum, makes me feel wonderful.

He asked me if I was enjoying the mental training he was giving me and I said what training, lol. He said think about how it feels when I call or text you, how does your body react, would you do anything for me? Oh my gosh he's right, he has me trained to react to him when he calls.

Then he asked if he could come over and start training today, we are still trying to work out the logistics. The thought of him being here makes me tingle all over, I feel breathless and dizzy at the thought of being touched by him today.

In the mirror

After I spoke with "Sir" I stayed in a high arousal state pretty much the rest of the day. If wasn't thinking of him then I was thinking of what he said he was going to do to me.

"C" emailed me, told me he had a blind fold with my name on it and did I want to get together, what a loser. Then "J" emailed me another boring one line email, how was your thanksgiving. Oh yes he is really a go getter, lol.

Late this afternoon I was shopping at Target, when "Sir" text me asking me if I was wet. I told him yes, but only mildly. He told me to squeeze my pussy hard, which I did as best I could at the store surrounded by holiday shoppers.

Then he told me to go to a full length mirror and take a picture of myself and send it to him. He kept texting me and just as I pulled in the driveway, his message read - pull over, call me and cum on the phone while you are describing it to me. I think he knows how much I hate describing to him over the phone and he makes me do just to torture me, plus he gets great enjoyment from it. After I told him I was home he demanded I go into the bedroom and do it. I took off my pants and dialed the phone, lying back against the pillows. I felt naughty and good all at the same time. I told him what I was doing and I started rubbing my clit, surprisingly I was instantly on my way to another orgasm, I really didn't think it would happen that fast and I had been dreading the call.

I could feel myself just about ready and I asked for permission to cum and he said NO! What?! He said I want you to pinch both of your nipples, so I slipped them out of my bra so they were peaking out the top. I pinched and that nearly sent me over the edge, because I love to have my nipples played with. I am pretty sure with the right guy I could cum just with playing with them, maybe. So after I pinched he told me I could cum, so I placed my hand back on my pussy. A couple of strokes and I was cumming harder and longer than I did yesterday, very intense. I can still feel my pussy vibrating and my hands are shaking. I was then to take a picture and send it to him immediately. This time he didn't even speak to me, so just knowing he was listening was all I needed. This is the start of something very wonderful, I can feel it.

Afterwards I layed down and all I could think about was wanting "Sir" to fuck me for his pleasure and put his hands on me. I came for his pleasure but it didn't satisfy the need I am feeling for him.

The stool

"Sir" called me this morning much to my surprise, he had told me that I wouldn't be speaking with him today.  He wanted me to recount my orgasms in detail, all I kept thinking about was - oh my god I can't remember everything I was so in the moment and I was worried my account would disapoint him. So I started it off with a disclaimer of sorts.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for allowing me to cum last night, twice. I don't remember the exact details of this event, not because I didn't enjoy it but because I was in the moment.
I remember you calling and speaking with me, at some point you asked me to squeeze my pussy through my pants. This request was asked of me several time, each time harder and harder. I remember you telling me to close my bedroom door so that I could touch my pussy. After closing the door I unzipped my pants, you asked me to spread my legs and to do that I needed to take off my pants. As they slipped to the floor I layed back on the bed, my legs hanging over the side. I opened my legs and slipped my hand down to my pussy and letting you know how wet it was. This is where the first orgasm and the second get all jumbled up for me. I know you told me to rub my clit and remember being so wet that my fingers just slid around. I remember hearing your commanding voice in my ear telling me what to say and do, but i couldn't really tell you what was said. All I know is when I asked you if I could cum I felt right on the edge and I don't know what I would have done if you had said no. But you didn't you said yes and I felt that warm feeling wash over me. I also remember you asking me if I was OK, I loved that. After we hung up I layed on the bed just thinking about you and remembering the way you made feel when we had met. The feelings I had were so intense that it took all my strength to leave and even more when you kept calling & texting me. Yesterday I wrote in diary that I felt like you had esp, like you knew exactly when to contact me. I was so vulnerable yesterday and I was so happy when you didn't take no for an answer.
Anyway you called back to my surprise, I was still lying in bed with my hand on my pussy. I am not sure how but you told me to squeeze my clit, harder then harder again. I could feel myself becoming aroused more. Then you told me to squeeze my nipple. From then on I didn't let go of my nipple and clit, squeezing harder and harder as you spoke to me. Again I can't remember what you said, I just remember hearing your voice in my ear - I had propped the phone up so I wouldn't have to hold it.
**at this point I should mention we just hung up and I am extremely wet,my clit is throbbing, I'm dizzy and its hard to focus**
You encouraged me to squeeze my clit harder and as a reaction I squeezed my nipple at the same time. You asked me if I wanted to cum and I said yes, I asked for permission to cum. I am guessing you said yes because I felt the wave of release wash over me. Again you asked me if I was OK, thank you. Then you asked me for a picture of what I looked like afterwards. There was a knock on the door and I had to get dressed quickly before i could take the picture.
Thank you

He called me while I was typing, made me excuse myself and go into the other room to tell him how wet my pussy was. I went into the bathroom and sat on my make up stool, as I was speaking to him my eyes were closed and I was imagining him there with me. Now I didn't realize this until he pointed it out to me during our conversation. He had me squeeze my pussy and keep doing it, I could feel myself getting more excited. There is something about his voice that can really send me over the edge. I know sometimes I frustrate him because I am so quiet and he has to encourage me to speak. Then when I do talk my mind try's to focus because I was forgetting to say "Sir" and I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like a child being scolded when he reminds me. Between him having my squeeze myself, that commanding voice and my mind trying to focus - I am everywhere and nowhere. He told me I couldn't cum and now I keep thinking about that because right now an hour after I spoke to him, I am still wet. I am such a slut, I would do anything for him right now.

Shh, Shh

I went to sleep very peaceful and relaxed from my adventures with "Sir" yesterday, the best sleeping pill ever. When I woke up this morning I immediately thought of him and my clit started pounding, that's a reaction I am going to enjoy. Today I am going to clean the house and basically get ready for this weeks training session. "Sir" called me last night and talked me through what I should wear to please him, skirt, heels were the basics. He knows I was freaking out trying to decide because he had originally left it up to me and I didn't want to disappoint. As I told him he said shh, shh and then asked what would you wear if you were going to impress somebody, it was wonderful. I already feel taken care of by him.

Its funny yesterday how I just suddenly changed my mind about being with "Sir", when he was talking to me in the morning I was adamant about refusing him, even telling him to go find someone else to play with, go away I said. He didn't let up for hours, then suddenly something just clicked in my brain, I told him to let me think about it and he pounced immediately. I don't want to say he caught me at a weak moment because I don't want to put that on him, the reality is I was very attracted to him mentally & physicalls and I wasn't finding what I wanted, together the two were overwhelming for me, so instead of running I decided to embrace my feelings. Going against everything I was ever taught, being raised a Catholic girl. I never thought I would be planning to sleep with a married man, a man I know would never leave his wife, a man who has a family, a man who will never be a part of my family - its kind of wild how my life has changed over the past couple of months.

Sirs Mistress

"K" kept texting me today and finally I couldn't take the pressure, I gave in. I guess you could say I am going to have my first affair, not something I am proud of but lately I have realized who am I to judge. I don't know the particulars of his marriage and I don't want to know.

I did set down some hard boundaries that were non-negotiable:
1. my kids come before us 2. safe sex practices 3. first time you lie to me its over, lie to your wife not me 4. must give me a copy of your drivers license if you want to come in my home 5. I am still going to date 6. No mention of boyfriend or wife while we are together

He mentioned that no one had ever requested a copy of his drivers license and I said I am not just any woman. I have a family and myself to protect - he has no arrest record and is an upstanding business man. I googled him and found him on FaceBook & Linkin. I also asked him if he knows what he is getting himself into...because you not only have to take care of me physically but emotionally as well. I need to feel loved, appreciated and taken care of just like in any other relationship and with that I will respond in full. His response was he had been down this road before, at least he's not new at it and I will benefit from his experience.

He sent me the copy and we have been in contact all afternoon. He brought me to orgasm twice over the phone. I am to call him "Sir" and he calls me his good girl. I am feeling so peaceful and excited, I have been highly aroused all day thanks to his phone calls and text messages. We made a plan for him to come over and begin my training this week. I know this is going to be something I will never forget and I plan to make the most of it.

ESP

Guess whose been texting me all morning, like he has ESP or something. "K" has just about convinced me to start something with him and I am about 2 seconds away from caving in. He just gets to my very core mentally and physically - and he knows it. He wants me to set the boundaries and he will set the limits. I know he is married and I know he will never give me the relationship I want, but after yesterday and all this time trying to find that elusive combination, I am ready to surrender myself to him and just enjoy what he offering. Never in a million years did I ever think I would even consider something like this.

Trouble

Always around the holidays I get myself into trouble, today I am remembering why that is. Everybody is busy and I have to much time on my hands, a lethal combination. I never heard back from "B", I guess my telling him that I was worried that his style of bedroom Dom wouldn't be enough of what I was looking for offended him because he never even responded. Even "P" who was just my conversation is busy with his family. Since I have eliminated "L" I am down to no runners up at the moment. So now I need to step away from the computer and focus on something else so I don't get into trouble. So I don't cave into "K" for just pleasure and now that I've had a taste of it that from yesterday I want more. "K" was just the right combination of mental and physical but I am pretty sure not honest about his current status, but man oh man it would feel good.

So now my goal is to get through the weekend and stay out of trouble.

Lunch with "L"

I am nervous about lunch today with "L". I was doing OK until I started to think about what I would wear and then I looked at my nails, quickly I made an appointment at the salon. Also feeling bloated after Thanksgiving dinner, blah! I am really praying that he is everything he has presented to me via email, but I also need to remember to calm down and take it slow.

Well "slow" fell to shit as I found myself on his couch while he had my shirt and bra off, no panties, skirt pushed up and he was spanking me. LOL! I am such a slut. We had a nice lunch, enjoyable company and some discussion about his experience. He invited me back to his house and I went. I honestly didn't intend to go back but in the back of my mind I thought you know this will probably amount to nothing because of logistics and I was curious about how he would make it happen. I also thought that this was no different than sleeping with a guy on the first date, woman do it all the time so why should I.

Well we didn't sleep together, for that I was grateful. But we did have some fun, to help me relax he gave me a shot of a chocolate liquor (it didn't so much help me relax but it was fun and yummy). Then after we talked for a while, he asked me if I was wearing panties and I said yes. He said would you take them off if I asked and I said yes. Then he asked if he could restain my hands with a belt, I said yes (a common theme for today). After he restrained me, he took the end of the belt and began spanking me with it. He bent me over the couch, lifted my skirt and hit a little harder. I liked it and he started hitting my cunt and playing with me. Then he put his fingers inside me and fucked me. Before I could cum he pulled out and had me on my knees sucking his cock (nice size). He hit me some more (which I really enjoyed and I can still feel the stinging on my ass), played with my cunt and had me suck his cock. He ended things by cumming on my face. We sat for a little while and he petted me, which was nice because I needed that to help me calm down. We got dressed, asked me if he could call me again and I left. He didn't walk me to my car and I thought that was a little shitty. He was not a good kisser and he wasn't as confident in person as he was when we had spoken, both were a disapointment. I really like a man who is dominating and he definately was not that, he could never play with my mind the way I want and have experienced with some others. Also his inexperience showed, he was sort of all over the place and didn't show a lot of control.

It was an experience being used but wouldn't see him again. I thought he had a combination I was looking for but it turns out he didn't. Not like "K" he got to me immediately email, phone calls, text and then in person. He kept me interested and aroused all through out, his confidence was so intoxicating when we were at Starbucks, it was hard to say no. I don't know if I will be strong enough if he contacts me again.

Empty Nest

Today I experienced what could only be described as the beginning of the empty nest syndrome. Now the holidays are hard enough when you don't have someone special in your bed, but on top of it my kids are growing up. Today we went and spent time with the family eating turkey and making fun of grandma because she forgot to turn on the oven, wondering why the food wasn't cooking. But then after dinner both of my kids decided they were going over to their boyfriend/girlfriends house. It suddenly hit me that soon they will both be gone and I will be here with my 2 cats. My faithful cats who love me and always want to be with me, as long as I feed them.

Usually the holidays bring a different set of challenges for me as a single woman, I tend to do stupid things during the holiday's. I get lonely and because I spend more than usual time unoccupied I think about men and then I take it a step further and reach out to them. Forgetting there is a reason that I didn't talk to them in the first place, tonight is one of those nights. So instead of doing something I will regret, I am writing about it. Then I am going to get a piece of pumpkin pie, go watch a movie (The Godfather) and stay away from the computer and phone. Wish me luck!

Tomorrow I am having lunch with "L", I hope he is who he says he is.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who has touched my life including family, friends and strangers. I am getting ready to bake a cake to bring to dinner tonight because my kids don't eat pie, weird. I woke up this morning at 3am, sometimes I wake up go to the computer and then go back to bed, one of the side effects from not having a man in my bed.

So I had been thinking (over thinking like I usually do) about my reply to "L". He had asked me about the responses from my ad. I had been completely honest with him but mostly about the more interesting ones, like the penis guy. So I wrote him about the more normal ones, like himself. I also told him that even though I was meeting other men, I wasn't just sleeping with them - I was just dating or flirting to the 10th power. I also mentioned that once I had made a verbal commitment to someone I was very faithful to that person.

He wrote back thanking me for my honesty and said he felt the same about faithfulness and honesty. "L" is turning out to be more interesting than I originally gave him credit for, but I need to calm down and take those baby steps before I just jump in (thanks Alisha).

Today we are going to my family's for dinner and swimming, ya got to love Fall in South Florida, no snow here. My brother told me where he is its like -15 degrees. Come on is that really a temperature, lol.

"L"

"L" has been emailing with me for the past several days. He says he has limited experience with the Dom/sub relationship but wants to learn and expand himself. A brief relationship he was in was where he begin his dominance, but I would imagine that it was always there and I will be curious to find out how it came about. He comes off very confident but caring at the same time. I haven't come across this combination, it will be interesting to meet him on Friday. He is divorced and his wife was an alcoholic, ultimately what ended there marriage. I believe he has 2 grown children and he has only been down here for several months.

He questioned me about my past relationships especially focusing on when I had been submissive. Some of his questions really brought back painful memories. I know that I have to be totally honest with him and that it will ultimately bring us closer together, if we were to go forward. He seems to have a humorous side and a wicked side (of course), which came out during several of our exchanges. One of his pleasures is a deep eye connection, which will be interesting since I have a tendency to look away. We seem to have some things in common which will be good, I think that this might be better than I originally thought - with him being 30 min away I was concerned that it might not work out. "L" told me to wait and see how things go, so that is what I am doing. I am looking forward to our Friday lunch at Chili's - well maybe just the meeting not the food, lol.

A couple of more

I had a few more replies since yesterday.
1. "B" said all the right things but he's 35, so I asked him where he lives and for a picture. His reply stated he lived in Hollywood and I didn't care for his pic.
2. "B" lives in Tamarac but said he would make it work. I liked what he had to say, but time will tell.
3. "N" & M" both under the age of 30, need I say more.
4. "T" 38 yrs old but really showed his immaturity, telling me to find his picture of FB, plus he's in Broward.
5. "H" who had contacted me previously and who also has flagged my ad twice because I didn't answer him. Yes he's just charming, in his response he told me among other things that I could sit on his face. Now what girl can resist all that charm and class in an email, somehow I managed to hold myself back.

PS "C" text me this morning, I thought I was done with him. I learned this morning that my phone has a wonderful feature that lets me block texts, ha.

PSS of yes and I got my very first penis picture. Please tell me what goes through their mind to send that in an email with no prompting? My girlfriend and I commented on how its not what you have but how you use it and for me I am attracted to their mind before their equipment.

"K"

I coun't sleep last night, some of it was ending it with "R", placing the ad again and some of it was "K". He had this incredible sexy voice, very confident. I was very flustered by his call and I felt like I needed to let him know why I was so put offish. So at 1:30am I wrote him:
"I enjoyed speaking with you tonight, you have a wonderful sexy voice.
However I just went through a relationship with a man, similar to yourself, but the relationship for the most part stayed on line. He used mental collaring to audition me to see if I was worth training & collaring. The reason this worked for him was because he had a 6yr old living with him and this allowed him to have contact with me and not disrupt his life. When I pushed for more contact he told me I just needed to do what was asked. We ended it. So if I am hesitant on the phone, just know I have plenty to share but I am not going down that path again. I am looking forward to meeting you next week."

This morning as I am walking through Publix my phone rings. Its "K" calling to say good morning. I was surprised, pleasantly. He told me he received my email and wanted to assure me that he did not want an online relationship (same thing "R" told me over and over). He told me he wanted to look me in the eye to see my reactions and that he may have to see me today, to let me know he was real. Then in the cereal isle he began to talk to me and say things to me, that really turned me on. Nothing obviously dirty but just very suggestive and knowing - when he talks to me I expect to look up and see him standing there. I ended up leaning against the isle all curled up listening to him, I felt dizzy and wet. After we were done talking he had me text him a picture of myself, I am sure to see that I was all flushed. When I got home he sent me a text to meet him at the Starbucks, I had 40 min to shower and put on my makeup. I was to wear a skirt and heels.

I raced to get ready, usually I have a nice leisurely shower but not today. I got there first and since this Starbucks had no couches I sat at the bar with my chai tea. He came up and sat next to me and immediately starting rubbing my leg, My first reaction was one of surprise, though I liked it. He was just as confident in person and I responded to that. He whispered in my ear about things he could do to me right there and even at one point convinced me to open my legs, but he didn't put his hand in there - it was just to see if I would do it. He rubbed the inside of my thigh and told me he wouldn't go any further. When he took his hand away I collapsed against him, what an unusual physical reaction. He consoled me and asked me to go outside, I was nervous because I didn't know what he had in mind. We went outside for a walk and he kissed me again, held me and touched me. I would have done anything at that point, but thank goodness I didn't. I asked him if he had a business card and he said not with him, that set off a bell in my brain - I knew right away he was married. I thought OMG he's one of those guys you hear about, some creap off CL. We said goodbye and as I was driving home I knew he was not what I was looking for. Yes I would have had a great time with him, but that's not what I want. I want to build trust and have a great relationship, where I can be free to be who I am and give myself over totally.

He called me and I told him exactly how I felt. He tried to talk me out of it but I held firm, he's said he was going to call me after the holidays.

I just let myself be molested in Starbucks, LOL! It felt great to almost let myself go, I know when it really happens its going to be amazing, but I also know I won't be able to totally let go with just anybody, trust is so important for me.

PS "K" just called again, he said that he wanted to see how my day was going. I really didn't understand the call, I told him he's not ready to share his life and he said you may be surprised. I think he just wants to find a way to sleep with me and that he's prepared to work hard for.

Responses Part 2

1. "K" very handsome, very aggressive - already spoke to him on the phone (very persistent) and will be calling back tonight, we'll see.  Very confident, really tried to use his voice to seduce me. Wants to meet after the holidays. He is not forthcoming about himself, so I need to be careful.
2. "L" handsome, little older and further away than would like, meeting him for lunch on Friday. Unfortunately out of all the restaurants in our area he chose Chili's, really?
3. "J" who tells me a dominant because he owns his own business and doesn't put up with any shit - yeah he scares me so I'm going to just ignore his emails. He wrote back asking me why I didn't reply right away, obviously I didn't know what dominant meant.
4. "J" the hockeyguy who tells me he is a dominant because he loves to be in control. A man of few words or he doesn't like to type, either way he doesn't have my attention right now.
5. "J" very handsome and distinguished, looking for happiness - we'll see. He turned out to be I think a spammer of some kind and very religious.
6. "T" who had responded to my last ad, I almost went to dinner with him, a little older than I want but maybe thats the way I should go, who knows?

*others that responded aren't worthy of a mention
Also there is a guy who responded to my first ad keeps emailing me, this was a guy who asked me to send him naked pictures and then said when can you "cum" over - oh yes very cute, just what I want lol!
*Where is "P" for conversation?

Another Ad - good grief

Submissive BBWoman looking for dominant man who can challenge me physically as well as mentally.
Man should be:
looking to start slow and build a relationship of trust
not looking for one night stand
40 to 53
looking for a LTR
not married
non-smoker
Serious inquiries only - I will only respond if you send picture and a description of yourself.
PS this is a repeat ad, the person I had chosen didn’t work out

So far I have had 1 request for a guy to move in, in exchange for his "talents", lol! You've just got to laugh!

Decision

I replied to "R" that the insecurities I can deal with (I enjoy that feeling). Being told what to do I can deal with. Everything you tell me to do I struggle with but enjoy, I like that you push me. Here's what I can't deal with, I said from the beginning that I didn't want this to be an online relationship. Its not that I expected you to jump right into things physically but I did expect to get to know you in person. How am I supposed to trust what you say if I don't know you.

His reply back was "Think that last week, I'd told you I wasn't feeling well @ all..and up to 1:15 am this morning..had very high fever, dehydration etc..all caused from food poisoning . So today trying to feel normal and start eating again..not much luck though. I read and understand what you wrote and your feelings...Will only say that sometimes things get out of balance..due to life...or as they say, shit happens.....that none of us can control. Sometimes people just need to have patience in attaining what they desire. BUT, did just [ now] decide that I no longer have an interest in pursuing you as a sub...Wish you the best.

I wished him the best and thanked him for the experience. I have no bad feelings and am glad we were able to come to a decision benefits both of us.

Stage 6 heading for 7

I was reading a blog (I can't remember who, sorry) and they had posted an article called Stages.  It lists the Seven Stages of Kinky/BDSM Growth.

Stage 6:
The partner-search stage.
Within an existing relationship or finding a new one. (most people tend to do mix this up with the third stage) There may very well be a partner available at this moment, however, it is time for the partners to grow towards the same level of information and understanding and both partners now have to identify their "common ground". For existing couples it is a time to review their new relationship. For singles it is now time to lick their wounds from previous stages and restart the search for a partner, only better equipped this time.

Without even realizing I have gone through the first 5 throughout my life and now am at the partner search stage and heading to The Revolving Stage, where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again with a partner and truly embraces the power exchange.

Which brings me to the other topic I have been thinking about, protection. Sin wrote about it the other day and it got me to thinking. I don't have anybody to protect me so I have to protect myself.

"Sin wrote: I would agree that the submissive is particularly vulnerable in the period where she (or he) is looking for a Dominant. Submissives want to submit, but also have to make rational decisions to protect themselves. They balance desire with safety, or they should. This is complicated by so many factors, particularly in relationships which will feature things like pain or humiliation, which are based on imbalance."

I can tell you right now with "R", I want to end it because I don't think he wants to nurture this relationship and I am having trust issues. My inner voice tells me to get out but I am so drawn to him, its difficult and because this is so new to me I am unsure of what is right and what is wrong. We have only seen each other one time, very vanilla and we have been communicating for about a month. Now we live only several miles from each other, my feeling is we should be going out and getting to know each other to build up the trust. Last week I expressed my feeling and today I received an email telling me to get used to feeling insecure, that if he were to ever own me that I would feel that way all the time, then he gave me more tasks to do, totally discounting my feelings.

I understand the insecure part (I like that feeling) but don't I need to be able to trust you before we get to that point? Am I being unrealistic? This is where I would like to have someone else who knows this world to step in and offer advice, so that I can see clearly to protect myself.

Dating Sucks

This weekend has been quiet with my kids away and "R" out of town. It gave me time to think, something I have been avoiding. I was so wrapped up in "R" and enjoying the "mental collaring" as he calls it, that I wasn't thinking if he was actually right for me. I usually have a set of guidelines that I follow when I date and because of where I am with my kids ages, I typically don't date men who have young children. I am at a different stage of my life than they are, not bad just different. Because of this journey I decided to take I didn't want to bring any restrictions with me, so when I met him I ignored my inner voice and said just go for it.

This weekend is a prime example of why its just not going to work out. He has been away with his daughter since Friday morning (I have kids I understand) and I haven't heard from him once. What I realize is that he won't be able to give us the time we need to develop this relationship. Which is funny because he said a few weeks into our emails and correspondences he questioned whether I would be able to give him the attention he needed. The one thing that I have noticed and have been talking about a little is the fact that we don't see each other and he seems to be testing me to see if I'm worth taking on as a sub and its getting old. I don't want an online relationship.

What I dread the most is posting the ad again and going through this again. I met so many mean men who really hate women. Also there are not many ads on there someone like me, so most of them will know it is me again.

Dating sucks, lol! What I need a submissive matchmaker.

Experience (lack of)

I was thinking about this journey that I have started and one of the questions every man I meets asks me what is your experience with BDSM. I always laugh when I hear that, is there a resume template somewhere that I don't know about?

Well my experiences are very limited. I have never found a man who could accept my submission. You wouldn't think it would be that difficult, I mean what man doesn't want a women at his feet doing his bidding. Apparently there are a ton and I have been with all them.

My ex-husband and I experimented with tieing me up and little rough sex but he just never got into it, so it fell by the side. I had a boyfriend who thought he was domineering but really he was just a liar and liked to touch young girls - yes I really know how to pick them. After that I had a lover but when I told him that I liked to told what to do, he freaked and dumped me. Then tried to get me back a couple of months later, yeah my policy never go back for seconds, if it wasn't good the first time it's not going to get any better.

Time passed and I met another man online, somehow our relationship turned from dating to just sex. I was fine with that but then he thought we were in a relationship and it got messy. Before that though he was generous enough to buy some vanilla bondage accessories to try to give me what I wanted. He tried and I do give him credit for that, but he couldn't take it very far and he kept asking me if I was OK and was that what you wanted. That relationship fizzled out when he tried to give me a gift for the holidays, something so cheap that it gave me a good excuse to get rid of him.

Then I met a man who lived in Chicago but his family lived here in Florida. He came down here, I went there we both had kids the same age and we wanted the same things. So I decided to give up my dream of being in a submissive relationship and stay vanilla. After all I thought I was in love with him and he was strong but not dominant. After a while the strain of a long distance relationship became to much for either of us and I was devastated, I thought he was the guy I would be spending the rest of my life with. Now I realize that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It was about a month later that I came to the realization of what I really wanted and I didn't need to be married to find it. Marriage, the ring, the house, etc had always been important to me but now I have come to realize that I need something more. I want to be in a relationship with someone who can accept my submissiveness and still love me.

This first man I really let my guard down with was "C", he had answered my ad and we went out. Talked a lot on the phone, he was harmless - a good start. He did however drive me nuts with his laughing after everything he said, as I mentioned in an earlier post. He talked me into going to his hotel room he had reserved blindfolded. I was nervous but I wanted to take this step. I showed up and put on the blindfold, he answered the door and led me into the room.

Turns out his favorite movie was 9 1/2 weeks, so just think of all the cliches that happened in the movie and that is exactly what happened that night, less the mind control. He fed me fruit, drinks, held me down and tried to screw with my head but it didn't exactly go like he thought or maybe it did for him, not me. It just wasn't as good for me. I knew exactly what he was going to do for some reason, there were no surprises. He was focused more on the sex than on anything else, so being blindfolded didn't have that deprivation of senses that I expected. We made a date to see each other again, but he didn't turn up because of work. I don't put up with bad manners, just a pet peeve. If you don't care enough to call and cancel then you just don't care. He has called and emailed me many times since then but I never answer.

"P" was right sex is easy to find, relationships little challenging but not impossible, but finding a relationship with the qualities I want is proving to be more difficult than I expected.

Friday Night Surprise

So for the last few days I have been emailing with "P" again. There was a time where he seemed busy so I just put him to the side. But as is my usual pattern when I am feeling stressed I reach out to people. So I emailed him and asked him if he had fallen down and couldn't find his computer. He wrote back, again being short so I poked him. Told him that if he wanted to communicate with me I needed more of a conversation, give and take. I figured he was worth at least one more shot, it was that sexy smile he had. He apologized and wrote back again telling me he had been in a car accident (yes I felt horrible) and that he was OK but his truck didn't fair well. So then we exchanged a few more good emails and then the next day he sent me a link to google talk. So last night we chatted online and I enjoyed it immensely.

He does have a wonderful and witty sense of humor and some sexual appeal thrown in for good measure. We joked around and talked about our kids, the holidays that were coming up and just normal things. It felt good to have a connection with somebody who understood who I was. He told me about his experiences in bondage, submission, etc. got me a little excited!

There was a point when he talked about coming down to visit and said we needed to go to the toy store. My mind immediately goes to the sex toy shop. He knew what I was thinking and told me AGAIN that he didn't want a one night stand. He said I can get a blow job anywhere, I want a long term partner he said. Someone to grow with and explore life. God I wish he lived closer. He's right sex is easy to get, what I want is a relationship with someone I care for plus the ability to be submissive with him.

As much as I enjoy "R" and the way he makes me feel, "P" does all of that plus more. He has that warm side, the companionship side that "R" doesn't seem to have. I thought that finding a Dom/sub relationship would be easier but it seems that its just as complicated, you still have to be compatible for what I am looking for. So for now I am going to keep talking to both of them, its just like dating.

"P" followed up Friday nights chat with some emails and more chat on Saturday during his radio show. It was brief but it let me know he was thinking of me and that's important to me. I should mention that I haven't heard from "R" and I don't expect to while he is busy this weekend and that is why I know deep in my heart it will never work for us. I am not any type of priority for him.

For Today

I felt better last night after I emailed "R" to share with him that I missed not hearing from him. He responded today saying that he is sick, sounds like the flu. It's tough not being able to take care of him. I hope he gets better soon, I really do miss him.

Tonight I decided that I needed to email him before he read my posting, to let him know how I felt about not hearing from him. I wanted to be open and honest about the way I felt, knowing that in this type of relationship it is more important than in a vanilla union. In other relationships I would have just kept it to myself and let the worry consume me. I shared with him  that I want to build up my trust in him so that when he feels I am ready to please him, I will emotionally be ready to submit unconditionally. I hope he understands where I am coming from.

I have felt a little lost these last two days without "R", so I just continued with the tasks he set for me. Doing this helped me stay focused and gave me a sense of purpose. This purpose is different from the regular everyday things I do, this is something I am doing to please "R". This weekend will be especially challenging for me, my children will be away and so will "R".

I didn't feel well today, my sinuses were acting up so I didn't go anywhere. When it came time to pick up my son, I showered and then I realized I needed to stop at the grocery store. So I blew dry my hair, which led to just lipstick, but then I needed eyeliner, mascara, powder and blush. I laughed because there was a time not to long ago where I wouldn't have thought twice about leaving the house un-done. Now I can't even go to the grocery store without full makeup, skirt and heels. The heels have replaced my sandals completely, the only time I go with out heels, skirt, makeup is when I drive my son to school and I know I am not getting out of the car. He won't kiss me if I have on lipstick.

This is for me

When I started writing this blog I started it because "R" had told me that would be something that I would be required to do IF he were to own me. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea for myself, I discovered that there a lot of submissive's who have blogs for themselves and their masters.  I know that "R" reads it because I gave him access, but really this is for me and I need to put my feelings in here without consequence. I have found it to be very cathartic. So when I write I write for me, regardless of who may read it.

I know this is a new relationship and an unusual one at that, but I am feeling out of sorts. I am not sure if this is done on purpose or if this is the way it will be going forward.

I am a needy person which is why I fit right into being a submissive woman. Yes I can take care of myself, my kids, house, etc. but when it comes to a relationship I am needy. I need to share in the other persons life and I need to know I am cared for and not hearing from that person makes me nuts. Then I can't focus on doing anything for anybody.  I am able to distract myself and hold it together for a while but ultimately I do something stupid. So I am trying to avoid doing that stupid thing by writing about it instead and I will continue to follow my tasks set by "R".

I don't know enough about "R" to interpret his motives for not being in contact with me today and I certainly don't want to come off like I am telling him what to do, that would be insulting.  For my own piece of mind I  have to figure out how to talk about my feelings like this to him because otherwise I will end up being resentful and that won't work for either of us. All I know is today I am feeling insecure about everything.

I have never been in a relationship like this so I am relying on him to navigate me through because he has had experience. He has told me repeatedly that this is just like a regular vanilla relationship with heavy sexual undertones, but this is not like anything I have ever experienced. I don't know the boundaries, which is a funny term considering the nature of the this type of relationship - all about boundary pushing. I don't know the boundaries because it is backwards from what I am used to. 

I like that he is in control of the relationship and at the same time I need to have some security in knowing that he wants to be with me for more than just that. Being a woman I can be very emotional and being a submissive woman I need to be able to feel cared for so that I can give a 100% of myself to him for his pleasure and happiness.

Sugared

Today I made an appointment with a new girl "A" to get sugared, an alternative to waxing. I found "A" online and she and I had a wonderful conversation this morning. Turns out we were both involved with my former waxer on a professional level and were both professionally screwed by her as well. So in the midst of looking for another hard waxer I came across "A", when I was speaking to her on the phone a comment she made on the phone led me to believe that she might gay or bi sexual, just a feeling.

So I went for my appointment, she was a couple of years younger than me, slender, reddish/black hair and very friendly. We went into the room and instead of stepping out she just waited for me to pull up my skirt and lie down on the table, so I obliged. She uses a process called sugaring instead of wax. This is done with a candy like substance that is rolled out on the skin and pressed down by hand. Using this process instead of wax was a very physical experience, because each part of the wax has to be pressed down, in every nook of skin. She took her time chatting about herself and our experiences with "J". Of course I imaged her and I pressed up against each other rubbing our cunts together, you watching from the corner.  She was extremely thorough, no hair left behind or at least that's how it felt. When it was time to do my ass, she had my lie on my stomach with my legs slightly apart. Using the ball of sugar she began to work her way around my ass and right into the hole, pressing each time with her fingers. I could feel her finger almost go inside of me several times, no lie.

As I lie there on my stomach, we talked about dating and I asked her if she had a boy/girl friend or significant other, she replied no. But that one of her male clients had asked her out. When she was finished with my ass, she moved down to my leg where I am peeling from a very bad sunburn. She began peeling my skin off, I asked her if she was having fun - she said she couldn't resist. When I was leaving she gave me a hug and told me to keep in touch. Still not sure, lol.

Afterwards I received an email from "R" telling me that I needed to stay perfectly groomed everyday and that I would probably have to give up waxing for shaving. I am a little sad because I would definitely go back to her again, but my obedience to "R" is much more important. I definitely don't want to be punished again. His email started off Hello Slut, when I read that I get such a rush - and telling me about how he will be using a credit card on my cunt to make sure I am smooth...such a turn on.

PS as much as I enjoyed her "company" upon inspection I am not satisfied with the results. I still like hard waxing better, much smoother.

Taste

I was reading over the emails we had exchanged and all the things he suggested that I change, I did. Each day I leave the house I am in full makeup, most days a skirt, no panties, heels no matter what, I added certain pieces of jewelry, nail/toe polish of his liking. I am constantly looking at other woman and men, flirting no matter where I am. Every little nugget of information he has suggested I think about all the time, even meeting him at the bar, when I walked in I saw him at the end but I saw the three men as I walked by. I noticed the girls behind the bar and even made it a point to engage one, I can't help myself its in my nature to please and he is the one who asked me to do so.

I even lost my way over the weekend and without even having ever met me, he punished me, guided me back and I followed it even not knowing if he thought I could please him, all because he said I needed it.

I feel like sometimes he can read my mind and knows exactly what I am feeling. Now after our meeting I feel lost and vulnerable, wondering if he thinks after meeting me if I am worth training or if I will never see him again. 

My first instincts are to protect myself and push away from him (I tried) but I can't until he cuts me loose. I have always been the one in control of my relationships and now I am at the will of someone who has entrenched himself in my brain, my way of being. Never have I let myself be so vulnerable to someone.

I had a taste for the submissive life and I find myself wanting more.
Just thinking about wanting to please him makes me wet and throbbing.