Experience (lack of)

I was thinking about this journey that I have started and one of the questions every man I meets asks me what is your experience with BDSM. I always laugh when I hear that, is there a resume template somewhere that I don't know about?

Well my experiences are very limited. I have never found a man who could accept my submission. You wouldn't think it would be that difficult, I mean what man doesn't want a women at his feet doing his bidding. Apparently there are a ton and I have been with all them.

My ex-husband and I experimented with tieing me up and little rough sex but he just never got into it, so it fell by the side. I had a boyfriend who thought he was domineering but really he was just a liar and liked to touch young girls - yes I really know how to pick them. After that I had a lover but when I told him that I liked to told what to do, he freaked and dumped me. Then tried to get me back a couple of months later, yeah my policy never go back for seconds, if it wasn't good the first time it's not going to get any better.

Time passed and I met another man online, somehow our relationship turned from dating to just sex. I was fine with that but then he thought we were in a relationship and it got messy. Before that though he was generous enough to buy some vanilla bondage accessories to try to give me what I wanted. He tried and I do give him credit for that, but he couldn't take it very far and he kept asking me if I was OK and was that what you wanted. That relationship fizzled out when he tried to give me a gift for the holidays, something so cheap that it gave me a good excuse to get rid of him.

Then I met a man who lived in Chicago but his family lived here in Florida. He came down here, I went there we both had kids the same age and we wanted the same things. So I decided to give up my dream of being in a submissive relationship and stay vanilla. After all I thought I was in love with him and he was strong but not dominant. After a while the strain of a long distance relationship became to much for either of us and I was devastated, I thought he was the guy I would be spending the rest of my life with. Now I realize that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It was about a month later that I came to the realization of what I really wanted and I didn't need to be married to find it. Marriage, the ring, the house, etc had always been important to me but now I have come to realize that I need something more. I want to be in a relationship with someone who can accept my submissiveness and still love me.

This first man I really let my guard down with was "C", he had answered my ad and we went out. Talked a lot on the phone, he was harmless - a good start. He did however drive me nuts with his laughing after everything he said, as I mentioned in an earlier post. He talked me into going to his hotel room he had reserved blindfolded. I was nervous but I wanted to take this step. I showed up and put on the blindfold, he answered the door and led me into the room.

Turns out his favorite movie was 9 1/2 weeks, so just think of all the cliches that happened in the movie and that is exactly what happened that night, less the mind control. He fed me fruit, drinks, held me down and tried to screw with my head but it didn't exactly go like he thought or maybe it did for him, not me. It just wasn't as good for me. I knew exactly what he was going to do for some reason, there were no surprises. He was focused more on the sex than on anything else, so being blindfolded didn't have that deprivation of senses that I expected. We made a date to see each other again, but he didn't turn up because of work. I don't put up with bad manners, just a pet peeve. If you don't care enough to call and cancel then you just don't care. He has called and emailed me many times since then but I never answer.

"P" was right sex is easy to find, relationships little challenging but not impossible, but finding a relationship with the qualities I want is proving to be more difficult than I expected.

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