Sunday

Today I am going to get a mani/pedi in bright red, because "R" asked me to. I have never ever worn red because I felt it never went with my coloring. "R" says its so I can feel my sexuality and the power I have. We may see each other soon and he wanted me to wear red, toes rings and a anklet. I have ordered the jewelry and it will be here next week.

I have mixed feelings about meeting him, on the one hand I want to meet him, but then the mystery will be over and I'm nervous he won't live up to my expectations (or to his emails).

Then I worry that I won't live up to his expectations or I won't be able to please him and 100 other things.

I am enjoying that commanding presence he has and I have been so disappointed in the past with men. They start off so in charge and then it just all falls to shit. I can only hope that he is everything I think he is in person, that as soon as I meet him it will be intoxicating because of why we are together.

I just had to respond to "A's" email asking me why I had lost interest in him. During this process I have decided that I need to be totally honest with people, because I want a certain thing and I am determined to find it. Anyway I told him that he was taking it too slow and that I know he was trying to be nice but it was too friendly. I already have friends, I want a lover, someone to take charge, he pretty much just pecked me on the cheek on our first date. I wasn't looking to have sex with him but I would have liked to have known that he was interested, wanted more and left me wanting more. After that date if I had never heard from again it would have been fine because I realized that he talked a good game but had no follow through, but he did call and I did go (which turned out to be a mistake).

I am sure now I will never hear from him again because I embarrassed him, which is a shame because I would respect him if he decided that we needed a third date so he could prove himself (it would be such a strong  impressive thing to do - which I as a woman am looking for someone strong & decisive A REAL MAN).

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