When I started writing this blog I started it because "R" had told me that would be something that I would be required to do IF he were to own me. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea for myself, I discovered that there a lot of submissive's who have blogs for themselves and their masters. I know that "R" reads it because I gave him access, but really this is for me and I need to put my feelings in here without consequence. I have found it to be very cathartic. So when I write I write for me, regardless of who may read it.
I know this is a new relationship and an unusual one at that, but I am feeling out of sorts. I am not sure if this is done on purpose or if this is the way it will be going forward.
I am a needy person which is why I fit right into being a submissive woman. Yes I can take care of myself, my kids, house, etc. but when it comes to a relationship I am needy. I need to share in the other persons life and I need to know I am cared for and not hearing from that person makes me nuts. Then I can't focus on doing anything for anybody. I am able to distract myself and hold it together for a while but ultimately I do something stupid. So I am trying to avoid doing that stupid thing by writing about it instead and I will continue to follow my tasks set by "R".
I don't know enough about "R" to interpret his motives for not being in contact with me today and I certainly don't want to come off like I am telling him what to do, that would be insulting. For my own piece of mind I have to figure out how to talk about my feelings like this to him because otherwise I will end up being resentful and that won't work for either of us. All I know is today I am feeling insecure about everything.
I have never been in a relationship like this so I am relying on him to navigate me through because he has had experience. He has told me repeatedly that this is just like a regular vanilla relationship with heavy sexual undertones, but this is not like anything I have ever experienced. I don't know the boundaries, which is a funny term considering the nature of the this type of relationship - all about boundary pushing. I don't know the boundaries because it is backwards from what I am used to.
I like that he is in control of the relationship and at the same time I need to have some security in knowing that he wants to be with me for more than just that. Being a woman I can be very emotional and being a submissive woman I need to be able to feel cared for so that I can give a 100% of myself to him for his pleasure and happiness.