Denied

I left "T's" today feeling frustrated, orgasm denial frustrated. Don't get me wrong I got fucked every which way to Sunday but no orgasm for me. "T" told me he enjoys making me cum but he enjoys denial a little more. I couldn't even stay and enjoy his company today because I was too wound up, I went home to clean & do things around the house, OK so maybe there is a small upside - all my laundry will be clean.

As soon as I arrived last night to his house he jumped on me and began kissing me. Then telling me to suck his newly hairless cock, which I enjoyed. When he was done I was told to take off my clothes - did I bring my cuffs - yes sir. Bring them to me. I stood in front of him naked with my cuffs and placed them on my wrists and then bound them together behind my back. I was pushed back down on my knees to finish sucking his cock. Afterwards I was told to lie face down on the bed (not easy when you have no hands), he fucked me from behind until he came. I really enjoyed being restrained and fucked from behind, I was really wet but got no satisfaction other than "T" being satisfied.

In the morning "T" woke up and fucked me in my ass until he came. This was another first for us, very enjoyable. Afterwards we cleaned up and then as he soaked in the tub I washed his hair. Then we went back to sleep again and after we woke up again he placed my hand on his cock (which was hard again) and then we fucked again.

Wax

Yesterday we went to "T's" house to hang out after dinner. As we were watching a movie, he grabbed my hand and placed on his cock. Sometimes I am allowed to hold it and sometimes I am supposed to stroke it, so I just held it until I received further instructions. He then told me I could stroke it and it wasn't long before I was told I could suck it until he was ready.  I was then instructed to take off my pants, but I kept my bra, shirt and jacket on because I am not allowed to remove it, only "T" is permitted. I say this because afterwards he asked me if I had kept it on the entire time, oh yes sir. "T" fucked me until he came and then covered me up to watch the rest of the movie, I could feel him oozing out of me.

Later we went to my house where I gave him his birthday present. Apparently he hasn't had a good track record with gifts so he told me his expectations weren't high. When I presented it to him, he seemed happy and grateful for the thought I had put into them. I kneeled before him and he gave me a big kiss and invited me into bed. Where I was told I had done such a good job with the gift I could suck his cock again. He was hard very quickly and as I was sucking he pulled away from me violently. Then he mounted me from the back and fucked me from behind (this was a first for us). I loved the way it felt, that position hits all the right spots. After that he flipped me on my back and lay beside me, reached between my legs, grabbed my hair and looked at me. He said I want you to cum for me and I did, immediately.

Now getting off the subject today "T" came to my shop so I could wax him, brazilian style. He had never had it done and was curious about how it felt. He was a good sport and did exceptionally well in tolerating the pain until I tried a new post product on him (it burned) and I thought he was going to go thru the roof. He had me wash that off right away and he says that he is feeling no ill effects but the feeling of being hairless is new to him. Even though he volunteered for this he kept threatening me with paddling every time I looked like I might be enjoying myself. At the end he asked me to count how many strips of wax I had used so that he could paddle me for each.

Little Slut

So tonight went very well, "T" was so supportive. I wore a short skirt, thigh high stockings, clingy top and a sweater that "T" put on me before we left. As he surveyed me, he asked me if I was wearing panties - yes, take them off. So off we went to dinner with my family plus others (45 in total). I worked very hard to remain focused on "T" to really keep myself grounded, "T" held my hand the entire night and that gave me great comfort. We sat through 4 courses with 4 wines, which were wasted on us because we don't drink wine. I was so grateful to have him by my side, someone to confide in and make me feel safe. Every now and then I would realize I wasn't wearing panties especially when we got up so I could use the ladies room. I wondered if at some point during dinner he would reach between my legs.

As we were driving down I-95 out of the blue he said open your legs, he took his hand and reached between my legs. He let out a whoop and said damn you are so wet, you little slut. Then he told me to start rubbing my clit because I was going to make myself cum before we got home. Now remember since we have been together I have only cum by his hand, so when I hesitated he asked me...do you only want to cum by my hand for the rest of your life? You have to decide right now! I tried to say whatever you want but he made me chose, I said yes only by your hand. He reached between my legs again and began to rub, I tried to grind against his hand - but I am sure you know how that went. As we exited the highway he stopped rubbing and just drove us home. He walked me inside and I was surprised that he came into my room because he had mentioned that he had to work tomorrow. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was naked sitting on the side of my bed.

He pulled me down to my knees, kissed me hard and told me that he would love me no matter if I had 5 nickles or 5M, I will always treat you the same. He said now you going to suck my cock and pushed my head down. I sucked for a little while but he was already hard and it wasn't long before he pulled me up onto the bed & pushed up my skirt. He got on top of me and fucked me hard. At one point he had my arms pinned down and my legs up, still not sure how that happened. After he used me for his pleasure, he got dressed and left me with a big smile on my face. He made me so happy, I can't even tell you.

Focus

My family is in town and yesterday I was informed by my mother that I was to attend 2 days of events . So today I am off to a lunch and then back tonight for a dinner. Yesterday I could feel myself getting all worked up, I mentally thought to make sure I pack a xanex in my purse. It shouldn't be such a big deal, I love my family but sometimes they make me crazy. As the day went on I went into overdrive and it wasn't until I was lying in bed, thinking about dinner (which "T" will be accompanying me to) and realized that to stay calm tonight all I had to do was look at "T". I know he will take care of me tonight. I need to focus on being submissive and not getting all crazy (mentally), which inevitably pours out of my mouth. This will take all my anxiousness and focus it where it needs to be and that will help alleviate the pressure I am feeling. 

Down and Dirty

I leaned over to greet him with a kiss. He kissed me very softly and then grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. Looking me in the eye he said get undressed and kneel down. As quickly as I could I removed all my clothes and kneeled down in front of him. He told me to suck his cock, I latched on quickly and began sucking, his hand was on the back of my head gently easing me up and down. After sucking for a while he grabbed my head away, kissed me and then began to suck my nipples (which are very tender right now). I was then shoved back down to suck his hard cock again.

Then when he was done with my mouth, I was told to get up onto the bed on my back, "T" entered me quickly and fucked me hard. At some point he had grabbed my hair again and as he fucked me held my head back. When he was done using me for his pleasure, he began sucking & biting my nipples, pulling them towards him. At the same time he had his fingers inside me. At some point I was starting to feel overwhelmed, he kept changing what he was doing to me and the sensations were like waves that just kept coming. His hand just kept fucking and rubbing me, my nipples in and out of his mouth. This kept going for a while and then he pushed me over the edge, I felt like I was falling, it was a wonderful sensation. After he let me cum, he grabbed me and held on to me, telling me I was a good girl.

Never in my life have I ever experience so many different feelings of cumming than with "T". Afterwards I think back about how I get so into the moment and don't even think about what I am doing, just follow orders - verbal or otherwise. This time I was taken by surprise and he just went at it down and dirty. He asked me later - do you think the kids heard us?

Let it go

Aisha, thanks for the kind words. I find if I can write down exactly the way I feel at the time it really helps me get through things easier, a type of therapy lol.

I have been told to let it go, forget about it and we are in this together. He also said that if I don't let it go I will be punished. So here I am letting it go. Forgetting about it. Really I am.

The really wonderful thing about "T" is he doesn't let me get away with anything, in past relationships my feelings would have probably caused this issue to escalate. "T" lets me have my feelings but then tells me everything is OK and I should move past it. I don't know how I got so lucky to find someone so understanding. Looking back I realized I should have just rolled the stupid dice when I was given a choice. I thought the dice thing would be silly and when I wouldn't cooperate he gave me the other challenge, the one I failed. If I had rolled the dice I would have known how many days I would have been denied, now instead I am just waititing at his mercy. Whenever I am given a choice I always seem to choose wrong or maybe as he says I am not supposed to win.

Now I can get back to the task at hand, writing about cumming. Of course I would have to have someone to do that. I have been denied since Saturday and yesterday I have to admit I thought about that little toy I have in the cabinet (just for a moment). But I realized that what I really want is "T" to let me cum, hopefully soon - fingers crossed.

Failed

I was given a task without a choice, even though if I had completed it I would have been rewarded with an orgasm. I didn't do for that, I did it because I was told. I knew going in the deck was stacked against me, that I wouldn't win the orgasm. But what actually happened was totally unexpected to me. I wonder if he knew I wouldn't be able to finish the task. Had he been keeping this failure from me all this time...

The best I can

Last night after I had been cuffed and invited into bed, "T" read me the posting from doubleknot's ruminations. The part he specifically wanted me to hear was:

"He explained to me that I am stuck in a pattern of belief and response that is no longer really accurate.  This he calls my paradigm.  He says I should cease stubbornly clinging to this false paradigm and correct it:  I.e., switch over to his paradigm, which is:  I am not in this thing by myself.  I have him to help me.  I must stop judging my ability solely from my past and look at the more recent past; the past with him in it. And while he is patient with me, (indeed, his patience surpasses belief, sometimes), he still managed to get through my thick, hard head that I am not alone.  He’s got me".

I have to admit I felt a little ashamed of myself when he read this, I know why he told me, this is something he has been telling me over and over. He knows that I struggle to realize that I have him to help me. After taking care of myself for so many years, being let down by others, protecting myself, its hard to let go and rely on someone else. I struggle with the theory of letting him take care of me, I believe that he would be there to help me with anything. But there are everyday things that I have to take care of myself, so where does the line get drawn. I want to let go and I think that I do a little bit every time we are together, but the reality for me is we are just dating, we each have children, we each have a home, we have responsibilities. I can see where he is beginning to make me rely on him more and I can see it developing but right now at the end of the day we are two separate entities making separate decisions. I appreciate the fact that he is so patient with me and I hope that "T" realizes that I am doing the best that I can to let him take care of me and know that I am not alone. Also every time we are together and he pushes the boundaries a little further I rely on him more and that overlaps into my everyday thinking. Just like everytime he helps me with a problem I rely on him a little more.

We also spoke about how distant he gets during certain times when we are playing. He said that he gets into a type of Dom sub space, he doesn't know why it just happens. He said that when he left the other night he said he could see it in my eyes. This time I wasn't as surprised when it happened because I had already been through it, but I didn't realize that I reflected that, I thought I had kept it to myself. Sometimes I feel like he can see right into my head and know everything I am thinking.

On another note as we were lying in bed last night (I was cuffed together) "T" told me to suck his cock. So I angled myself over and began to suck. Before when he was in the shower I was on FB looking for a picture we had been talking about and I came across his profile and the word Nascar. I remembered he had made a comment at some point about how he wanted me to just sit between his legs while he watched Nascar and suck his cock. So I decided that while he was watching TV I would just suck. This went on for at least a half hour and I was fine and he said it felt good.  He asked me at one point if my mouth was tired and I said no, but said I was worried that I would fall asleep and accidentally bite him. It was late and I was exhausted. Well it happened, I fell asleep and nipped him. "T" was fine just a little surprised, I felt bad.


Good Morning Sir

Just a regular day, getting ready for work, driving my son to school, etc. Sometimes in the morning I get a text from "T", usually just a good morning hello. So when I heard the phone beep I didn't go to it right away because texting instead of calling annoys me sometimes, so I did something else and as I happen to walk by I grabbed the phone. When I say I jerked upright in surprise I am not kidding...the message read - Good Morning Slut. I immediately wondered what brought this on and what was I in store for later. I replied back - Good Morning Sir.

"T" called me later in the day to let me know he was coming over tonight. We had something to eat and drink (which I would later regret), then he locked the door. The next thing I knew he was getting his bag out of the closet. I don't exactly know what's in the bag, only what he has shown me, even though he keeps it at my house. I was lying on the bed and the rope came out. He came behind me, placed my hands behind my back and tied my arms. In the end my arms were tied behind my back and hands were at my side and the rope was tied around my my ankles (legs bent at knees) and my hands were attached to my ankles. I looked like a crab and after this was done I had to go the bathroom. I was told to hold it, which I did for a while. As I sitting there contemplating how if I could actually walk to the bathroom I decided to ask again. I asked permission again, he said OK if you think you can do it. Well let me tell you it was a site to see, "T" enjoyed watching me struggle to get across the room and then to the bathroom. I made it there and back enduring the humiliation of being watched.

When I made it back into bed, "T" began to play (torture) with me, it lasted for over an hour. Touching me, teasing me, plunging his hand into me, pinching my nipples...it just kept going on and on. Every now and then I would look at "T" only to see him smiling, I told him he was very sadistic tonight - he grabbed onto my nipple and twisted telling me he was hurt I would say such a thing. He then told me that he was going to take a nap and if woke him up in an hour (give or take 5 min) then I could have an orgasm. Here's the thing I couldn't see the clock, he laughed and told me to count. After about 15 min he told me that I didn't have to count, when I asked why he said because you will just have to wait until I decide if you can have an orgasm. The ropes which were still on became uncomfortable and so I had to shift from side to side trying to find a position. "T" started playing (torturing) with me again, moving down between my legs and sitting indian style in front of me. He had the lube in his hand and he began to pour it all over my pussy until I was dripping. His fingers started to enter me in and the out. Then it began to feel unusual, something I had never felt. It filled up my pussy and it was fast and slow, but I wasn't sure what was going on. My legs were braced against his knees as this was happening, he just kept ramming me, he asked me at one point if it was too much and I moaned no because I didn't want him to stop. He was fingering my clit as he was doing this until I couldn't help but cum, a couple of times. After he was done he said congratulations you have just been fisted. Right now I am sore, but it also feels like there is something still in me.

"T" untied me and held me for a while before he left. I asked him if I had done OK, he said I had done great. But as I was lying in his arms I started to think (big mistake) about what had happened and this wave of shame came over me. I thought about him between my legs with his whole hand in my pussy and how I had completely given myself over to him, enjoying everything he threw at me, wanting more. "T" had come over with a purpose, he was detached and yes sadistic (just like he had been the time before), after he left I felt unbalanced and out of sorts. Every time we do something like this he pushes me a little more and even thought that's what I want, it leaves me wondering how far things will go...what else is brewing in his mind.

Weekend Wrap Up

This weekend we spent a lot of time with different family members. "T" and I established before hand that we both had no issues with him buckling me into the car, me waiting until he opened the car doors, other doors, ordering food for me, etc. I know our family notices, not everything but some. I know they wonder why, some see it as him being very considerate, only one of them was bold enough to ask "did he just buckle you in"? - yes and you will notice that he will open all the doors also. I said this very matter of fact in hopes that my son would see these traits and see them as being a gentleman. As "T" performs each of these little gestures there is a secret smile we share, knowing the true reason behind it... I can see that it makes him happy and that excites me.

"T" wants me to be comfortable to just show up and his house or work. This was something he mentioned several times this weekend and in previous conversations. I think that this has to work both ways and we can't just be comfortable in one house over another. We have to include everybody, very challenging.

We had a conversation about a swingers club, Deenies Hide-a-way. He has been there before and told me about his adventures. He then asked me if I wanted to go and get fucked by 4 guys while he watched. I knew when I began to explore this lifestyle that I may be in a relationship where that may come up. My answer has stayed steady - I would do only for someone I trusted, that cared for me and would protect me. It would not be my first choice for fun, but if that is something they wanted to explore I would be willing as long as I was with the person described. He asked if that went against the SW principals of a man protecting his woman. I think that would be for him to answer because it would be up to the man to decide how to protect his woman.

There was mention of a chain that attaches to the bed, going only long enough to let me go to the patio for sun. This seemed to excite him. He also told me that there would come a time when we would be in a heated argument and he would stop in the middle and just fuck me. This also seemed to excite him, because it was mentioned twice. These little quips come out when I least expect them, making me wonder what else he is thinking about. This look comes over his face, his voice gets deeper and I can see his mind wandering to dark places. When he says these things he makes sure that I know he is very serious that one day it may happen.......I know.

Squish

After being fucked yesterday by "T", I was told that I couldn't take a shower. He then put his hand in my pussy, took the juices he had just deposited and rubbed them on my chest. This was done as we were parting ways for the evening. As he left there was an awkward moment. I thought about what had happened and chose my answer. When he called I told him no, go without me - stick to the schedule we already had. He asked why and I explained (or tried) but he wasn't buying any of it. He pulled out his D card and told me to be there at 10:40, for a moment I thought he was going to back down but then it was almost like he changed his mind. What he didn't know was this was exactly what I wanted to hear, I wanted him to tell me what he wanted, insist, demand, make me. In past relationships men have always - well for lack of a better word, failed this part with me. They never told me what I wanted to hear, they never made me do what I really wanted, but needed to know that it was what they wanted also. Yes I am warped but definitely happy to have found someone who understands what I need. Sometimes I just need to be told what to do.

I showed up as requested, the plans evolved into something else, something even better. Afterwards we went home watched some tv, where I got fucked again and I was allowed to cum by his hand then tongue. In the morning I had a choice to leave early and take care of some business or stay another half hour. I chose to stay and gave "T" a heads up that I would be leaving soon. He rolled over and fucked me again, then made me suck his cock. When he was done with me sucking, he pushed me back onto the bed and fucked me again. By this time I was so full of his juices, that I am pretty sure I squished when I walked, at least that's how I felt as he walked me to my car.

True to his word

I remember when "T" told me there would be days that he would wake up, roll over and fuck me, no foreplay, just use me. True to his word this morning he did just that. I was lying in bed anticipating having to get up and go to work, also feeling a little horny. "T" woke up and placed his hand on my pussy but didn't move it, when he semi-fell asleep I tried to push against it but nothing, I thought I felt him chuckle but I wasn't sure. Then he took my hand and placed it on his cock, which was hard. He started pushing against my hand (like I had wanted to before) and when he was ready he got on top of me and began to fuck me. I have to say it was exactly what I needed to get me going this morning, better than coffee. After he was done he placed his head on my stomach and just lay there for a while as I stroked his back. As I was lying there I remembered him telling me when we had just started to see each other that he couldn't wait to wake up and just fuck me. I laughed and wondered who made out on the deal - both!

Pizza & Orgasm

I had the most wonderful orgasm last night at the hand of "T"!

He invited me over to hang out and I brought pizza for us and the kids. When I first got there he had just gotten out of the shower, he slipped off his towel and began making out with me. Then he went to the bed to lie down on his stomach, telling me to begin kissing and licking him. I went right for his ass cheeks, he said well I was expecting you to start at my neck but if you are in that much of a hurry - I blushed. I began kissing and licking up and down his back, his cheeks, legs, and down the crack of his ass to his balls. He especially love the crack and had me start at the top and very slowly work my way down and when my head wouldn't fit to get lower he got up and went and sat on the couch. Giving my full access to him and I began to suck him until he came.

After we ate the pizza and watched some tv, "T" told me to get into bed - naked of course. I still had my jacket on and asked if I should take it off - no let me do it. There is something about him taking off my jacket that makes me feel like a little girl. I took off all my clothes and got into bed, "T" joined me immeditely taking his hand and placing it on my pussy. At first it was light carresses and then he would plunge his hand into me, I could feel my wetness. He played with me for a while and then went down with his tongue. Now sometimes he applies pressure and sometimes not, this time it was back and forth. When I was ready to cum he was doing something with his tongue but it wasn't enough to get me to the edge, found out later he did it unpurpose - ha ha. I should know better by now, everything he does has a purpose. When he finally let me cum, I am pretty sure the kids heard me - I just couldn't help myself. He had brought me to a point where he never had, I felt like I was falling over a cliff. I woke up this morning and for the first time I wanted to masturbate because my pussy was still throbbing, wanting more. But I am a good girl and will wait until I am allowed again.

Why do I forget?

"T" and I just date, we don't live together. When we are apart I get back into my take care of yourself mode. So it never fails that after we have been apart for a few days I forget. At least one time I forget to let him buckle my seat belt and I forget to let him open the car door. Why do I forget? I love when he does it, it reminds me.

Last night was rough, I am not good at sharing how I am feeling and when we were together "T" knew something was wrong. I had expressed how I felt earlier in the day but then covered it up with other things when really it was something else. So how could I blame him for not knowing what was really bothering me. Why is it so difficult for me to express myself? Why do I have to take the train to crazy town?

Anyway we only had a few moments together and "T" asked me if I wanted an orgasm, I said no you have to leave in a couple of minutes. He told me to lock the door,  he took off my pants and pulled me onto the bed. He immediately took his fingers and put them inside of me and said for a girl who didn't want an orgasm you sure are wet, why is that? I don't know Sir. He began to rub and finger me, of course it felt great. Then he asked if I could cum - yes sir. He removed his hand suddenly and said well you can't because you forgot to let me buckle you in tonight. Then he rubbed me again and stopped when I was all worked up again. After that he stood up and removed his pants and handed me the lube. Telling me to make him orgasm. It didn't take him long to get hard and I enjoyed watching him, touching him and making him cum. After that he fell asleep with me in his arms for a few minutes.

"T" is a good and kind man and he puts up with me (emotional mess sometimes). I am lucky to have him.

Just for me

ne·glect   
To fail to care for or attend to properly
To fail to do or carry out, as through carelessness or oversight 
The calls have gone from regular to infrequent, leaving me wondering why. Something that was important to me was pushed aside. I feel neglected. I don't want to be taken for granted because I submit.
"A woman is like a flower that needs to be tended too so it doesn't wilt"

I hate this feeling, it makes me wonder too much.

Good Weekend

Today I was doing something that I have been looking forward to for a while. Something that I have been practicing for, searching for and waiting on others for. When it finally came I went from zero to sixty very quickly. "T" saw it and was so helpful, caring and wonderfully supportive about it. I am not used to having someone to help me, guide me and encourage me. He noticed probably before I did and asked me if I was feeling stressed - yes. He asked why - many reasons go into that answer plus I've never had anyone to help me before. Just by asking, by caring he made me realize that I was stressing over nothing. As we drove I could feel myself relaxing and letting go and when we arrived I felt relieved that he was there to help me. Everything went great and I couldn't have done it without "T's" help.

This was a good weekend...I slept with my cuffs on the entire time with no problem. Last night after we were done watching a movie I was tired, but I couldn't go from the couch to the bed until "T" was ready. As I went to get up, he looked at me and said did I tell you could get off that couch - no sir. I don't get to hear it often but when I do I love that authoritative tone in his voice. He pulled me to the edge of the couch and opened my legs. He started licking my pussy with his tongue. I love his tongue it feels so wonderful and he knows exactly what to do with it. I have never been with a man who can do everything well, usually there is one thing that you just ignore because you like the guy. Not "T" he does everything well and the nice thing is he likes to do it all and I never know what to expect next. After he made me cum, I was invited into bed where we fell asleep. *This morning as I lie in bed remembing what happend on the couch, I expressed to "T" that I would like to kneel before him as he sat on the couch so I could suck his cock - he told me that could be arranged - I like the new couch.

In the morning "T" woke up and decided to torture me, touching me just a little. Running his hand over my stomach to my pussy, not putting enough pressure to really do anything. He did this for a while, watching me get frustrated but when he asked me if anything was wrong - I said no everything was perfect. I remember someones post last week where they talked about why bother complaining it won't get you anywhere, just submit to him and let him enjoy himself. Even when I try to rub against his hand he knows and pulls back and he enjoys seeing my frustration, sometimes I just do it for him. Today he told me I could rub against his leg, but I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere. He fell asleep while he was lightly touching me and when I asked to roll over he said no, but eventually he I was allowed (I figured I would sleep also). Then with my back to him he grabbed my hand and placed it on his cock and he told me to beg for what I wanted.

Now I am a horrible beggar, I think I sound ridiculous but when asked I do as I am told. So I told him how I wanted him to touch me, how I wanted to feel him inside me, etc. After that I was granted my wish, I was allowed to take him in my mouth. I began to suck on him and if I remember correctly I was told that if he heard me gag that I could have an orgasm. I did as I was asked but I forgot about the reward, because I was enjoying making him happy. When he had enough he told me to get on my back so he could fuck me (another thing he does well).

Eventually he let me cum and I was reminded about something he had said the other day - he enjoyed the fact that I only cum by his hand. I thought about that this morning and its funny because if I get horny I think of "T". I don't think about using my shower head or my magic wand any more, I only think about getting my release from him (quite a lovely thought). Yes, it definitely was a good weekend.

Rope

"As a very basic rule, men like to be respected, women simply like to be taken seriously, but they also like lots of affection"...Neo Dom Tom commented on yesterdays post.

"T" and I both agree with this statement. He told me that it wasn't until he met me that he realized that respect was what he lacked in his marriage. We also agreed that women need affection, I know I do and with it I will respond to what ever "T" wants. He is able to mix his needs of being in control of me with my need of being cared for and he does it beautifully.

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I could hear "T" in the closet getting down his bag. When I came out he was on the floor attaching a length of rope to the corner of the bed frame. Apparently the other day when I jokingly said that he couldn't attach me to the bed he took it as a challenge. I kneeled before him, I was cuffed and invited into bed where I was immediately attached to the new rope on my bed. So my hands are cuffed together and then the rope is attached that gives me limited mobility other than to keep my arms above my head or right on my chest. I was told that if I needed to get up that I was to wake "T" and if I couldn't wake him then and only then should I unclasped myself.

We were watching the end of a movie and I fell asleep. "T" said I slept so soundly, he said maybe it was the sense of security. I woke up just as the movie was ending, so I took that opportunity to get up before going back to sleep. When I came back to bed "T" told me I was to kiss him on the lips and then slowly kiss all the way down his body until I had his penis in my mouth. Now keep in mind that I had on my cuffs so balancing myself was challenging and I could see him enjoying my restrictions. When I reached his cock I changed my position so that I was half on the bed with my feet on the floor so I could push myself up and down. I had a really good angle and was able to get him down my throat over and over. After he enjoyed my mouth he had me come back on the bed on my back, so he could fuck me. After he entered me he clipped me back up so that I my arms were over my head and I had very limited movements. When "T" was done fucking me, he slid down and placed his head on my stomach and fell asleep. This was really a wonderful feeling for me, to have him just lying on me after he had finished. I am not sure how long we were like this but I think I also drifted off for a while.

The next morning my head was pulled to "T's" cock for sucking. After sucking on him for a while he began to move my head the way he wanted. My eyes were watering, my nose was running and I was choking, but I knew he was enjoying it. He kept telling me what a good girl I was and how much he enjoyed having my mouth on his cock, which always makes me want to keep going. I also love when he takes my hair and pulls my head up and down. When he was done he began to play with me, taking his time stroking me. He asked me what the hurry was, as I struggled to rub against his hand wanting a heavier stroke. At one point I looked at him watching me with a big smile on his face, seeing my frustration. He eventually let me cum when he was ready.

After we were done I was lying on the bed on my stomach still cuffed. I had the cuffs right next to my face and "T" said that would make a great picture. The next thing I know he has his cell phone out and is snapping a picture of me in my cuffs. He set it so that it comes up when I call him, I just hope none of the kids see it.

PS I forgot to add that I couldn't believe how submissive and happy I felt when "T" had me cuffed and tied to the bed, maybe he was right and it did make me feel secure. This morning I woke up before "T" (as I usually do) and I was lying there thinking about being cuffed & tied and it just made me feel extremely submissive to him. A different feeling than I usually have, because I am submissive by nature but this made me feel more for him (hard to describe) and even when I am not wearing the cuffs I think about that feeling whether we are together or apart.

What does he think

The night before I didn't sleep in the cuffs because "T" didn't stay over. Last night "T" came over and ended up staying, so the cuffs stayed on all night.

Yesterday William (The training of my lovely slut) spoke about how subs read D's blogs and how D's read sub blogs, I personally like a mix of both. But it also reminded me that I still (no matter how much I read) don't understand the mindset of a D. I just can't comprehend why they like being with someone like me who offers no resistance (I am not complaining). After being only in vanilla relationships for most of my life I guess I still can't believe that there are others like me, for a long time I thought I was unique (weird) with my desires, only to find out there are many like me.

My point is that I am always curious about the D's mind, so last night after "T" had placed the cuffs on my wrists I asked him. How does it make you feel when I wear the cuffs? He told me he uses them to remind me that I am his submissive, he likes to be able to grab me by the cuffs and jerk me around and if we had a weekend alone I would have to wear them the entire time. Plus there would probably be ankle cuffs. He also wants to place a rope at the top corner of the bed so that he can attach them. Obviously he has given this some thought. But I asked again how does it make you feel (I realize that's a difficult question for a man to answer) and he said good. Very simple, then he said and I know it makes you feel good too.

He was right, it does make me feel good. Last night was the first night in cuffs and I have to say it took a little getting used to. I didn't sleep as soundly as I usually do, but just like other things it will take a while to find my groove. When I would roll over I wasn't able to move my hands as I usually do, I couldn't grab on to "T", I couldn't hug my pillow. I also realized that you can't multi-task in them, its one thing at a time, I am used to my hands going in different directions and not even thinking about it. By the morning I figured out how to get comfortable and next time I will be better prepared.

I did enjoy the feeling of him placing them on me & taking them off, it turns me on, makes me feel secure and totally under his control. Whenever I moved the cuffs would remind me why I was wearing them, so they did exactly what "T" wanted, reminded me. Even after they came off I still thought about them, I have been restrained before but never has it had this effect on me, I am assuming that being collared would be the same.

Look what I got

Yesterday "T" said he wanted to come over, what he didn't  know (or maybe he did) was I really needed to see him. We hadn't seen each other since Sunday morning and I missed him. I had a lot going on and sometimes talking on the phone just doesn't cut it, there are some things that just don't translate, plus touch for me is essential. I have always been a touchy feely kind of person and I'm not just talking about sex.

As soon as "T" arrived I could feel myself relaxing immediately. He asked where his bag was (it has a new home on the shelf in my clean closet) and took out the cuffs. He had already mentioned that I was to start wearing them when ever we were together at night. I kneeled and he placed them on my wrists, they are soft inside so they don't rub my skin. I am to sleep in them when we are together, if I need to travel outside of the bedroom then I am to wake him to take them off. I am to bring the cuffs to his house when I stay there.
After I was cuffed and kneeling in front of him, his hands went to my nipples, squeezing them. I was invited into bed and "T" began touch & kiss me, all while my hands were above my head (a position I always enjoy, especially when he held them in place). Speaking of positions the other day we were together lying on the bed and he was holding me from behind, his arm across my chest holding my breast, I can't tell you how sexy that was. There is something about being held from behind that is so erotic. Anyway, as we were lying there I was given a task that I was to complete by Saturday, make a honey-do list of everything that needed to be done around the house. This gesture means so much to me, just thinking about it now makes my eyes tear up. When I told me mom about it, she was just as impressed by his gift. As he told me about the list and stressed Saturday he twisted my nipple to reinforce his request, a favorite of his.

"T" then brought my to orgasm with his wonderful touch, this orgasm was unlike any I had experienced before. I can only speculate that it  had to do something with his fingers inside my pussy right before, swirling around the inside of the walls of my pussy. It was a very unusual sensation and if I didn't know better I think I was on my way to cumming in a way I hadn't ever before, internally. He only stayed for about an hour but it was just what I needed, I just needed to share an intimate moment with him. Talking about our day, the kids, just sharing and laughing. I thanked him for knowing what I needed and he responded with... I needed you to. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life!!

Extreme Vanilla

Disclaimer: this posting is not about "T" or sex, just the rants of a pre-menstrual woman, so just move along there's nothing to see here.

There are times when being alone are more difficult than others. Like when my son's closet shelving falls down (for the 2nd or 3rd time), obviously my handyman skills are lacking. Like when my daughter (19 & suffers from BPD) has cut off communication with me and all I can do is worry and wait until she resurfaces. Then for good measure I am waiting for a business loan to be released and the landlord to finish the renovations so I can move in, all slightly stressful.

In all fairness I don't feel like this all the time, but I am pre-menstrual and the hormones kick up my anxiety. I don't get bitchy I become emotionally overwhelmed and envious of my friends who have a significant other in their lives to be there for them. In a few days I will be back to normal and in the mean time I will just smile and a say everything is fine.

My girlfriend "J" was telling me the other day about something that had happened to a friend of hers, she was just like me a single parent with no support and she experience just one thing after another that particular day. Then "J" said I am so grateful to have "E" in my life, I don't know what I would do without him, I don't know how you do it. I am not sure if that was a compliment or she felt sorry for me.

I have known them for almost 10 years and they have had their ups and downs but they have always had each other and I think that is great, something that I haven't had for about the same amount of time. They have been part of my support team, helped me with household repairs, car situations, kid stuff, all the things that get to be overwhelming as a single parent. Even my friend "M" has had "S" in her life for 3 years, more downs than up but at least they have had each other.

I forgot (old age or hormones who knows) where I was going with this post, its nothing some dark chocolate and flowers won't fix - now where are my car keys.

Numbers Game

So last night we played the numbers game and I'm not sure if I won or lost. The game is if you can orgasm while I am counting to a preset number, then you can have as many orgasms as you want all night - you just have to convince me or the other choice is you can have one guaranteed orgasm right now. Now it sounds simple enough, choose as many as you want but with "T" I know that there would be a twist either way.

I was to kneel by the bed while he went into the other room and I was to have an answer when he returned. I had played the number game the other night and didn't get what I wanted, the counting out loud kept me from getting the orgasm. So I decided to choose the guaranteed orgasm, which surprised him - are you sure that's what you want - yes. I was invited into bed and "T" began kissing and caressing me, teasing me with his hand all over my body. He eventually went down and began licking my pussy and when I begged for permission he said - no. I wanted to scream, I knew there was a catch but I kept my mouth shut. He repeated it again and again I was denied - 3 more times. Eventually I was allowed to cum and oh my gosh did it feel good, he had built it up until it was amazing.

Afterwards he let me suck his cock and he fucked me, so I guess really I chose correctly. However when I opened my big mouth he said next time he would have to make the number game choices harder, great! There was a part of the game that he wanted me to do before our plans had changed. While he was showering I would be allowed to play with myself to get primed for the event. I have to say given the choice of doing it or not, I choose not. I haven't had an orgasm by myself since I met "T" and unless he tells me to do it, I am just not that interested. We were also supposed to go to the beach and make out but that got put on hold for family plans, but I am looking forward to re-scheduling.

"T" also mentioned that soon I am going to be wearing cuffs to sleep in every night.

PS thanks for the advice SFP, we talked it out.

New Years Eve

I felt the shift yesterday in "T" when he didn't hold me when we slept and then this morning when I woke up to find him lying in bed with his arms crossed sound asleep, having not touched me all night. I believe that when you sleep your true feelings come out and his patterns definitely changed. Maybe it was the kids, money or the issues he had been having with his ex over the last couple of days but something was different. Mind you I am not complaining simply observing and those weren't the only things but they are what confirmed it for me.

Last night when we were on the phone and he told me because our original plans had to be changed that he would have to wait to tie me to the bed. I joked around and said there was no where to tie me to the bed (no head or foot board) his tone changed and he said is that really the statement you want to stick with? No. I should have none then I was in for it then, I could hear it in his voice - kind of turn on but slightly scary.

The kids were out until at least midnight so we had the house to ourselves, I was told to strip and kneel before where he was sitting. He began to kiss me and then went right for my nipples, squeezing, twisting and sucking them. I was then told to kneel in front of the bed with my head down, a blind fold was placed on me and he began rubbing my ass. He struck me with his hand and then I felt it, the paddle. The one I HATE!! Its a huge thick butcher block with a handle and it hurts like a booger. All I kept thinking was, I thought this was for punishment, had I done something wrong that I didn't know about. He rotated from hand to paddle, again and again. In between he would bite my ass, which leaves some wicked bruises. The ass biting is tolerable but the biting on my shoulders freaking hurt. At one point he was lying on my back asking me if his good little slut was enjoying herself and could I take more (I thought he meant from his hand, but it was both) - yes sir.

"T" went into the other room and when he came back I felt lubricant placed on my ass and then wiped all around and in. I couldn't tell what he was sticking inside of me, I knew we hadn't bought a plug together so I was going to assume it was his fingers. He told me later he felt I was too tight to continue ass play and moved on to other things. One being was him having me lie back on the bed and he sat on my face with his cock in my mouth, fucking my face while his balls covered my nose every time he went down. I thought I was going to suffocate, he also had me lay my hands flat on the bed while he did this. At this point I don't remember the order of how things were coming but they were coming fast and furious. I remember my mouth being on his cock and when I would go down all the way so that his cock was all the way down my throat, he would take my head and bob it up and down. All while I am choking and tears are streaming from my eyes, I have picked up that seems to be one of his favorite things to do. Even when I was allowed to cum, it was cold and not what I was used to.

The whole night I felt like he didn't have any comfort to give me, he could only use me to release some of what he had been keeping inside him for the past two days. When the clock struck twelve we kissed but even then he was more interested in the ball activities in time square then anything else. When we were driving to pick up my son at 1am, he asked me if the biting was too much. I asked what biting (meaning ass or shoulder) and he said if I didn't know that it must not have bothered me. It was then that I asked him how I was doing...was he happy with me as a submissive. I was doubting whether he was happy with me, maybe it was because the whole time we have been together everything was leading up to new years eve and us having sex for the first time and when we didn't make it and plus the whole night shifted to something else with his mood. I don't know.

Anyway he said I am very happy you are perfect, I wasn't exactly convinced by his words but if my ass and nipples are any indication then I guess he was telling the truth.

This morning when he got up he was in a much more playful mood, much different than last night.