The best I can

Last night after I had been cuffed and invited into bed, "T" read me the posting from doubleknot's ruminations. The part he specifically wanted me to hear was:

"He explained to me that I am stuck in a pattern of belief and response that is no longer really accurate.  This he calls my paradigm.  He says I should cease stubbornly clinging to this false paradigm and correct it:  I.e., switch over to his paradigm, which is:  I am not in this thing by myself.  I have him to help me.  I must stop judging my ability solely from my past and look at the more recent past; the past with him in it. And while he is patient with me, (indeed, his patience surpasses belief, sometimes), he still managed to get through my thick, hard head that I am not alone.  He’s got me".

I have to admit I felt a little ashamed of myself when he read this, I know why he told me, this is something he has been telling me over and over. He knows that I struggle to realize that I have him to help me. After taking care of myself for so many years, being let down by others, protecting myself, its hard to let go and rely on someone else. I struggle with the theory of letting him take care of me, I believe that he would be there to help me with anything. But there are everyday things that I have to take care of myself, so where does the line get drawn. I want to let go and I think that I do a little bit every time we are together, but the reality for me is we are just dating, we each have children, we each have a home, we have responsibilities. I can see where he is beginning to make me rely on him more and I can see it developing but right now at the end of the day we are two separate entities making separate decisions. I appreciate the fact that he is so patient with me and I hope that "T" realizes that I am doing the best that I can to let him take care of me and know that I am not alone. Also every time we are together and he pushes the boundaries a little further I rely on him more and that overlaps into my everyday thinking. Just like everytime he helps me with a problem I rely on him a little more.

We also spoke about how distant he gets during certain times when we are playing. He said that he gets into a type of Dom sub space, he doesn't know why it just happens. He said that when he left the other night he said he could see it in my eyes. This time I wasn't as surprised when it happened because I had already been through it, but I didn't realize that I reflected that, I thought I had kept it to myself. Sometimes I feel like he can see right into my head and know everything I am thinking.

On another note as we were lying in bed last night (I was cuffed together) "T" told me to suck his cock. So I angled myself over and began to suck. Before when he was in the shower I was on FB looking for a picture we had been talking about and I came across his profile and the word Nascar. I remembered he had made a comment at some point about how he wanted me to just sit between his legs while he watched Nascar and suck his cock. So I decided that while he was watching TV I would just suck. This went on for at least a half hour and I was fine and he said it felt good.  He asked me at one point if my mouth was tired and I said no, but said I was worried that I would fall asleep and accidentally bite him. It was late and I was exhausted. Well it happened, I fell asleep and nipped him. "T" was fine just a little surprised, I felt bad.


2 comments:

  1. If you gave me a choice of watching nascar or sucking cock

    or cleaning the grout of the bathroom

    or just about anything

    I would avoid the nascar

    but I know that's not your point

    :)

    I thought this was lovely

    and thank you for quotine doubleknot -- as I do not read there -- this is something that D's been trying to help me see

    all the good lessons are hard -- aren't they

    sfp

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  2. Thanks for sharing some of the ins and outs of your relationship - it's so interesting... and sweet to think of you falling asleep sucking his cock!

    aisha

    ReplyDelete