Lover

One guy asked me what does....I want someone to who can challenge me mentally & physically. I had forgotten my exact reason for putting that in originally, until now. Now I remember that there are some guys out there who can't carry on a conversation and so they resort to taking the road of talking to quickly about the sexual aspect of this process. I was talking to "D" and he was the one who reminded me. Do you give massages? Do you like massages? Boring. I want someone who can engage me.

The one guy "K" who is really "M", he was a high powered lawyer, said all the right things and I could tell he was a real D just from his responses. He is the kind of guy who I would be attracted to immediately (I am a sucker for a business man) but I don't know if I am ready for that right now, then again maybe its just what I need to get over everything. Someone to take over and make me forget, mmmm.

"R" asked for my phone number but today I just wasn't in the mood to talk, so I told him to call me tomorrow.

                                                                ***********************

I think maybe I have been trying to rush into something meaningful to replace what I had. I am clearly not ready for that (nobody is allowed to say I told you so) so I am thinking that maybe I just need a lover, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I use that term for someone who I don't want a relationship with but yet I enjoy their company enough to be with them. Yes I think that is the route I am going. I have done that before with several vanilla guys and it works until they get to attached and I have to end it, but it might be just what I need.

For your amusement

Today I got the rest of my things back along with a message essentially saying that everything was my fault. I waited for him to show up to talk and tell me he loved me enough to work through it, but it never happened. I still love him and think he threw away something not perfect, but something wonderful, something you don't find everyday, something that would take effort, care and forgiveness. But the heartbreaking realization that he isn't going to come back is setting in and there is nothing left for me but to move forward.


.....so I put it out there again (just to see what sticks) and what did I get in return?

For your amusement:

This one guy who is so unattractive and has responded to me in the past, he insists that he is the one for me. Even though I tried nicely to tell him that we weren't a match. Now he's just coming off as pathetic and that's not very dom like.

A full frontal dic pic...come on, really? in the first email? where are your brains? He had such promise...until I scrolled down.
A switch....definitely not for me.

Super short guy with a young kid, double whammy.

A guy who wants to take pictures & film everything.

Some young studs that remind me of my brothers (the yuck factor).

About a dozen moron's who apparently don't understand the words...if you don't send a picture I won't reply. Maybe there were to many words and they didn't comprehend, maybe if I write ssslllooowwweeerrr.

A new "R" that I am corresponding with, time will tell.
"K" that is 7 yrs younger, I've never done younger but he said all the right things so we'll see.

....and the hits just keep on coming!

Such a slut

Today a handsome man came to my treatment room for a Brazilian wax. I waited outside while he undressed. A little while later I knocked on the door, he was on the table covered with a towel. As I do with all my clients I started chatting with him. I put on my gloves and uncovered him. He was a very endowed man with an erection. Now I have to be professional so I go about the treatment, chatting about nothing trying to make him feel comfortable. I noticed a couple of things as I was working.

He kept looking at himself as I was applying & removing the wax, I almost think that he just liked admiring himself.
His balls were extremely sensitive. Every time I applied the was to the underside his whole body twitched. The first time I thought something was wrong but he said no.
Even though I was concentrating on what I was doing, I could see & feel him watching me. Most clients don't look at you they just lie on the table and look up.

When I was in school we were taught to have the male clients hold themselves that you were never to touch the actual penis. I still haven't figured out how to do that. I touch it, move it and yes rub it with product.

Now he stayed erect the entire time and when I was done I covered him back up with a towel. He looked right at me and said do you finish?
I responded no. I didn't flinch or say anything else about it. He got dressed and we continued on as if nothing had happened. He tipped me and is coming back in a week.

I was just lying in bed and what pops into my mind, how good his cock felt in my hand. It was truly a beautiful cock, long and thick. Even had a little bend to it, made me wonder if it would hit the G-spot. I imagined what it would taste like in my mouth, makes my pussy tingle just thinking about it. I do believe I will have to touch myself tonight as I think more about it....I am such a slut.

This is about me

"....what she doesn't understand about me (something I have had my whole life) is once I'm done, I'm done. This switch flips in my head and there's no going back, I used it with my ex-husband and several boyfriends. I think of it as a protection of sorts for my emotional well being, like a shield."
I wrote this post last year after ending a tryst I had, funny I never thought I would be doing it again. I haven't flipped that switch yet, working on it. I told my friend today that it will be easier once I get my things returned to me, then I can really put an end to it. Oh wait don't forget about facebook, lol. I will have to change my status back to single, OMG the questions. That's the one thing I am not looking forward to, the questions from friends & family. What happened? I have only shared with a few very close friends. It hasn't seemed quite real. I still feel shocked, even today.

So my plan is to get my things back, change the FB status and post a new dating profile...ok well maybe not the last one quite yet. But I am working on it.

This cartoon (which makes me laugh out loud when I see it) is exactly how I feel - I'm Charlie Brown.
All I need is Lucy to say Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah. :)

Thanks for all the responses to my previous post, I will definately look up each of you that provided me with a name for Fet Life (soon).

Intimidating

I ventured on to Fet Life & Collar Me and they are a little intimidating to me.

No time to feel sorry

There is nothing like your child being involved in an accident to remind you how precious life can be. My son and his friends were driving back from a gig when the driver ahead of them swerved to avoid something in the road. Well he swerved right into their lane and they hit his car. They all had their seat belts on and nobody was hurt, just shaken up.

After the accident my son complained of back pain so today I took him to the Chiropractor and then for x-rays. I am now learning how this all gets paid for...by my insurance. I never knew that part of my hefty insurance bill included us if we were riding in someone elses car. Learn something knew everyday.

Anyway after getting the call Saturday night and spending several hours on the side of I-95 I went into take charge mode. No time to feel sorry for myself, at least for now. I am just thankful that all of the kids are alright, reminds you what's really important.

P.S. "K" I heard your message, thank you. I appreciate your concern but I am not interested in opening that door again.

Again? Really


 
Oh the joy of dating again makes me want to throw myself over a cliff. To bad there are none here in Florida (trash mountain doesn't count). Starbucks will be my new hang out again.

Meeting up with those guys who aren't quite what they lead you to believe, pictures a little out of date, shorter than they say, single (but not really), the dic pics, the claim to be D's, the mean guys who think submissive means I'll do anything and my favorite - "I don't know you, but do it now because I told you too" etc. you get the idea.

Maybe I should just get back in contact with the guy who wanted to teach me and take care of my submissive needs while I was looking.


I am just a woman looking for that elusive combination of vanilla & kink - is there such a thing?

Closure

I was reading back over some of my old posts. I was so happy and cared for and now to be thrown away like a piece of garbage, it hurts. He brought me into his life and made himself a part of mine. He told me he cared for me and wanted to build a life. Trust me, let me take care of you.

In the beginning he told me I was perfect, no red flags he said. I told him not to say that because the only place I had to go was down in his eyes.



How does someone just walk away from everything so easily?
I guess for it was never real to him, but it was to me.
I will miss...
his smile and laugh, the strength of his arms, taste of his kisses, they way he touched me everywhere, talking to him, learning from him, lying in his arms, the way he made me blush, his kids, our plans, our dreams and so much more.


This will be my last post about him, I am never going to get any closure so I am giving myself permission to move past him. I loved him, gave myself freely to him, enjoyed being with him and I have no regrets.

One day at a time

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes posted and emailed, it was great to feel that sense of belonging to a community.

Today started off pretty bad but actually developed into a OK day. I went back to sleep this morning then I spent the day with a friend, playing hooky from work, going to lunch and shopping. It was nice to have someone to talk to about what had happened, give me another perspective. The more I thought about the circumstances the less angry I felt and the more I felt sorry for him. He is going through a lot with him family & work and he thinks our being together will just add more stress to his life. I have already been through what he is going through now and  I know having people close to you is vital during this time. I hope he finds comfort with the friends and family he looked to for advice because he will need to have them around.

I am including a passage I read this morning posted by Vesta that really spoke to me, thank you.

"No meaningful relationship is smooth. No meaningful relationship is meant to be smooth. You have to have the foresight, the belief and the faith to believe in a relationship; to get from one good period to the next; to withstand the not good periods and recognize that they will pass; that this too shall pass. After all that I have written about the power exchange relationship I still don’t feel in the least qualified to make a statement of fact. Sometimes it works abundantly well. Sometimes, it is an abject failure. Sometimes, I think it is quite simply, flawed. I don’t feel that way about love. Love is sometimes turbulent and wild; sometimes elegantly simple and smooth. But, it endures if the will to keep it alive is there; if the faith is strong and the feelings real and deep. It can survive catastrophes and even neglect and betrayal. It forgives. It continues to revive itself and to withstand. It runs deep down in the heart and the soul. Like all relationships that are meaningful, it is not smooth."
Vesta's Submission

P.S. "K" called me today, I guess he is back in town and has been keeping up with my blog. Not a path I am going down again.

Over

I received an email ending our relationship. After he discussed what happened with people I have never met, he decided that I was a red flag in his life. That what happened and what we had wasn't even worth discussing in person.

I gave my heart to him, opened my soul, trusted him like no one else and gave him everything I had but it wasn't enough, I wasn't perfect. Maybe he never really loved me, just the idea of me until it became something that wasn't easy.

I feel abandoned and my heart is broken.

The Real Valentines Day

"T" showed up with chocolate roses and a card, I thanked him for the gift and we left to go out. I asked where we were going and he said does it matter, no. As we were driving he was looking around and I asked him if he had a plan, he asked me what kind of food I was in the mood for, did I like Italian? Then he asked if I was hungry, I said a little. He said boy I guess I should have told you we were going out for dinner, I really fucked that up. I suggested a restaurant he enjoys, Pei Wei (because we were right next to it). In my mind I thought we would be going to the movies or to the yogurt place I had mentioned that I wanted to try. We went and ordered, now "T" had been asking me the entire time was everything OK, is anything bothering you? I said no. I didn't say it to lie I said it to spare his feelings. I was disappointed, it was our first VD and it was being treated like it was any other day but I knew in the scheme of things it was just one day of many.

When he showed up in super casual clothing I knew that this wasn't going to be anything special. I put on my gracious face (and this is where the double edge sword comes into play) but "T" can read me. He kept pushing and finally I let on that I was disappointed in the lack of thought, not the money. He told me that he put a lot of thought into the chocolate roses (he had picked up on the way over), he bought them because he thought they were cute not because I necessarily because I liked them. As we were driving he turned to me and asked...you do like chocolate?

He also told me that he had a lot on his plate and I said I know you did. I have been understanding listening, being there and offering advice when asked, not because I had to but because I loved him and I cared about what happened.  I told him he shouldn't have pushed me to tell him what was wrong, he should have just left it alone and everything would have been fine. He said how can I sit across from you knowing you are not happy, I said you can't have it both ways. I said so I was disappointed big deal, I will get over it.

He stopped speaking to me (wouldn't look at me) during dinner and just sulked, we ended up leaving before finishing. I asked him in the car if we could just get past this and he asked if I could get past it, yes I could. He told me he didn't know if he could, he was angry. He said he could never buy me another gift, I asked why? I said again so I didn't like it, big deal. I didn't mention the fact that the gift I bought him for his birthday was still sitting in the same place unopened. I didn't throw a hissy fit, I just left it alone. He said I didn't have the money to buy you the same kind of gift I did for Christmas. I said do you really think this was about money? When we arrived home he said he was going to leave, I asked him not to. I said just come in side, we can get past this. He came inside for a while (didn't speak to me) but then I am pretty sure he had someone call him so he had an excuse to leave. He got up and announced that he had to go pick up some things for his son and left. Never spoke about what happened, never said good bye.

Several thoughts:
When something was bothering "T" instead of dealing with it he ran away. He didn't even have the courage to call the next day to discuss it.
For a man who can't pass by a romantic movie on TV he really never gave our first VD a second thought.
Looking back I felt "T" didn't listened to me or cared enough to find out what I like. I only eat certain chocolate, not only did I mention it several times I showed him what I liked. I told him many times how much I love pink and flowers. We have discussed what type of restaurants I like. I know what he likes.
I felt like "T" went into this relationship thinking that this was going to be perfect (because he told me) and when it deviated into real life, he bailed rather than deal with it. There is no perfection in life.
The card "T" gave me was so full of love but words on a card don't mean a thing unless you can back them up. Actions speak louder.
When something like this happens its easy to look back and find fault in the relationship. These were things that I was willing to look past because I loved him, just as he was willing to look past my imperfections. We weren't perfect we were just perfect for each other, or so I thought.

Today is day 2 and I still haven't heard anything from him. I am sad, angry and disappointed that what we had didn't mean enough to work through something so minor.

Valentines Day

All week long my friends have been asking me the same question...what are you doing for Valentines Day? Well I couldn't very well tell them I won't know until "T" tells me. They would think I was crazy for waiting to know what he had planned. So I just said we really hadn't discussed it and left it at that, this will be our first Valentines together. They all were envious of me because this was our first VD together and they all think "T" is great, so they couldn't wait to hear about it. This morning "T" called me and said be ready to go out tonight, skirt and no panties. I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing, only that I am to be ready (could you imagine if I told that to my vanilla friends).

Of course being the planner that I am, I already knew what I was doing for "T" today. After I was done at the hospital I went over to Dairy Queen and picked up his favorite - butter finger blizzard. I took it to his house while he was at work and placed in the freezer with a card. He found it this afternoon and thought it was a wonderful thoughtful surprise.

I wrote this post this afternoon and I had planned to add to it but Valentines didn't work out for us.

Part II

I am going to be perfectly honest, so much happened I can't remember all of it with clarity. After "T" untied me from the chair and lay me across the bed he took out a whip. I couldn't see what it was because I still had the blindfold on but it felt like one that had pieces of leather hanging from it. He hit me but I don't know how long but I do remember thinking that he favors one side over the other. I know he fucked me from behind and I got fucked in the ass. Oh yeah and in between he just rested on me watching TV and at some point he took off the blindfold. Later I was allowed to take a shower and clean up. When I tried to get into bed I was ordered to remove my nightgown (very sternly, to remind me whose in charge).

I can remember feeling submissive from the moment I received the text, which made me content for the rest of the weekend. Today I felt it all day, even just remembering the way he exerted his authority over me just satisfies me.

The last part of that night was him telling me to suck his cock. This was by far the most difficult for me. I love to do it but this wasn't just about that, it was about making me gag. Pushing my head down so far at times that I could feel vomit coming up in my throat. By the end of this I was crying and despondant. I know he tried to comfort me but I don't remember much after that. I think he ended up fucking me but I really don't remember it all. I know he did wake up in the morning, rolled over and made love to me.

The next night he allowed me to suck his cock again (after watching Nascar) and it was so much better. He told me to kiss his legs, stomach, etc. and I took liberties afterwards to suck his cock. He ended up coming in my mouth and it was beautiful, I went to sleep happy. 

This was a great weekend, even though I can't recall total details. When "T" exerts his dominance over me it feels good but I also just enjoy the vanilla stuff too. I need balance, I'm a Libra.

Part 1 The Chair

After my shower there were more messages.
Bring the Hitachi Vibrator, Yes Sir.
When you arrive at my call me and I will come and get you, Yes Sir.
When I arrived he did not answer, so I waited for about 10 min. until he came out to get me. He had me get out of the drivers side and into the passenger side so we could go for a ride. When we pulled up in front of the store I knew exactly why we were there, "T" asked me if I knew what we were here to buy. I said yes but wouldn't say in case he had forgotten, he demanded I tell him or I would not be getting an orgasm...butt plug Sir. We were at Sassy Kat, a cute little sex shop...one a woman would feel comfortable going into not one of those "theater book stores". The place was packed so no one even gave us a second thought, we were all there for the same thing. "T" took his time looking, he commented the selection was not great compared to the larger stores that were about 30 min in each direction of us. I saw a beautiful pink diamond studded collar and "T" asked me if I was ready for that, I nodded yes (I thought maybe he had chosen not to collar me or had just forgotten about it), he then commented he was enjoying me blushing as we were shopping. After looking for a while he settled on a pink butt plug that reminded me of a pacifier and a set of nipple clamps (my nipples are still tingling this morning).

After taking care of some other things we arrived home, where I noticed things in his room were a little out of place. Immediately I was stripped of my clothes and told to kneel down and lie face down on the bed. A blind fold was placed over my eyes and "T" left me there while he went in the other room. When he returned he prepared to place the plug in my ass, but first he placed in my mouth and told me to suck on it like a pacifier. After doing that he placed it in my ass, it popped out at first but then I realized I would have to hold it in place. "T" grabbed a handful of my hair pulled it off the bed and whispered in my ear, remember I love you.

Now from this point forward I don't remember the exact order of things, it all came fast and continuous. "T" helped me up and sat me in a chair (exposed, naked, blind folded with a butt plug) and then proceeded to tie me to the chair. Each of my legs were secured at the base and my arms to each side, my hands were to remain holding the chair sides. Last he had me open my mouth and then placed a rope in and tied it around my head. He came to the front and stuck his fingers in my pussy, you are so wet what a little slut you are (I mumbled Yes Sir but it didn't exactly come out that way and I sounded ridiculous). He took out my new nipple clamps (very first pair) and placed them on my nipples. They didn't hurt going on but as they stayed longer and as he pulled on them...well lets just say I remember.

After the nipple clamps he took out the Hitachi wand, sitting in front of me he turned on the wand and began to press it against my pussy. I remember thinking that it was like he was testing a new piece of equipment, like a scientist to see how it worked. Anyway he turned on the low setting and began to bring me to my first orgasm. After the first the others came faster and he would turn it off and then change it to high, the feeling was different from the first more intense. I don't even know if they were orgasms after a while they were just extremely intense feelings of being pushed further and further. At one point I heard myself and the noises I was making were like a foreign language. How long this went on I couldn't say. The nipple clamps came off at some point or they fell off?? but were immediately replaced. I didn't know whether to focus on the pain in my nipples or the waves being sent through my pussy or even the plug in my ass.

The complete loss of control was overwhelming and strangely comforting at the same time. I almost felt like I was having an out of body experience, floating up and watching what was happening. Eventually "T" stopped, untied me but left on the blindfold. He helped me over onto the bed and had my lie face down. I thought it was over but then I felt some type of whip coming down on my ass.

to be continued...

Text Message

Bring the toy bag so we can use it, yes Sir.
Make sure you are freshly showered and in a skirt no panties, yes Sir.
This is the message I just received. The first part made my heart skip a beat, the second got me excited and scared (which I will talk about why later).

I am heading to the shower...

Double Edge Sword

"T" can read me pretty well which can be a little frightening at times. Today I was not happy, withdrawn but trying not to let him know. We spoke this morning and afterwards he called me back to say he could tell  something was wrong. For a second I thought about how to answer the question. Do I tell him that I was angry or sad that I felt like we were neglecting us...no I told him I missed him last night. When you boil it all down it was the truth only in a more vulnerable way. He said that he could deal with that. When he said it his voice was strong and I felt his commanding presence returning after days of issues with family & finances. He said he would be over at 6pm tonight. The double edge sword of him being able to read me makes it difficult for me to keep my feelings to myself but it also allows him to know exactly what I need or want. Even though it freaks me out sometimes I like it when he knows, it shows he cares for me and understands me which is something I have always wanted. Sometimes he has to drag it out of me but most times I want to be honest about how I am feeling and will share, I just want someone to care enough to ask.

Later "T" came over, I was lying across the bed. He walked in said hello, the said I am going to lie behind you. I moved up and with nothing else being said he began to touch me and kiss my ear, face and I was so enraptured I am not even sure what else happened. The next thing I remember he was taking off my pants and moved between my legs. His tongue was like silk softly licking me over and over. His pace never changed it was unbelievable how softly he could be and still bring me to the edge several times. Stopping just before I was falling over. His hand at some point was between my legs with his finger inside me. I remember it felt unbelievable, like I had never felt it before (which I had). His tongue and finger working their magic bringing me to the edge again but this time he was letting me go. As I was about to cum I asked for permission he said yes cum. The pillow was close to my head and I grabbed it as I came, pulled it over my face and began to scream in ecstasy. "T" asked me afterwards if it was one orgasm or two...I really couldn't tell. I can tell you it felt amazing and that I probably could have kept going if he had let me. Even this morning my pussy is throbbing as I remember. He kissed me after I came and I could taste myself on his tongue.

No words were needed to discuss what was wrong, he just knew what I needed. Afterwards as I lie in his strong arms, feeling extremely submissive & peaceful, remembering why I needed him and how grateful I was.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

"T" has decided that I am not allowed to touch myself for sexual pleasure. Sometimes as he is fucking me I think about touching myself - nipples or clit but I look up at him and I don't. Another reminder that my body is for his pleasure.

We talked about opening the door and how I consistently forget at least once a week, like the other night. Then I mentioned how I had read about how some subs intentionally forget. He told me that if I ever intentionally did something he would be angry and there would be an appropriate punishment (but it didn't sound like fun kind). I asked him if he thought we should have a punishment and he said he used orgasm denial. So I asked if I always remembered would I be rewarded...he said it depended on how he felt.

We also spoke about how what we do would be considered kinky but when I think about what we do I don't see it that way. Then he said if I were to tell you to come to my work right now and blow me...you would. Sure I would and he said well others would find that to be kinky, point taken. We both agreed that we probably fell between the middle of vanilla and extreme.

I was reading Aisha's wonderful story The Cock today about pleasuring without using hands at first. I pictured myself in front of "T's" cock as I held my head just inches away waiting for permission to taste him. About how there was no race to make him cum, enjoying savoring the feel and taste.

I was listening to the radio this morning and one of the personalities always talks about how he very rarely has sex with his wife. How she would have been angry if he asked for it when he came home from watching the superbowl. I feel sorry for people who are in relationships like that. What kind of marriage is it if you are afraid of upsetting your wife if you ask for sex, why would you stay together.

New Mission Statement

I'm not perfect, damn and here I thought I was...thanks for reminding me SFP & Lil. I appreciate all the comments on my posts, its always helpful to have an outside opinion (whether I want to hear it or not). Writing this blog enables me to express exactly what I was thinking at the time, it also helps me move past whatever is going on or at least think about how I am feeling. A combination of thoughts, observations and feelings helps me process how I feel, I don't know why it took me so long to figure out how therapeutic it is for me.

I do love "T" imperfections and all. Just like any relationship it takes work to make it go and there will be ups and downs throughout. Figuring out how to navigate through the vanilla and kink is going to be what I talk about here. I have found the man that wants me and accepts me for who I am and now that the first part of my mission statement is completed I think its time to change what I want.
First Mission Completed: I am woman, mother, friend & slut searching for a Man to accept my gift of submission and control me both in body and mind for his own pleasure. Being submissive is not something I asked for, it is just apart of who I have always been. I am an emerging butterfly learning to fly.

New Mission Statement: I am a woman, mother, friend, lover & slut striving to be more submissive & surrendered, who has found the man I want to be with. He accepts me for who I am and uses his love of dominance to balance my love of submission. Together we are on an adventure of life with our children, families, imperfections and strength of love.

PS "T" came back tonight and we watched the superbowl together. Right as they were presenting the trophy he told me to blow him. I took him in my mouth and when he was hard as a rock he pulled me off and fucked me.

Happy again?

After a long night I knelt beside his bed, he kisses me and tells me to get into bed naked. I do as I am told, he falls back to sleep. I try to settle in but what happened was on my mind, I felt like I was being punished and forgiveness had not been given. We woke up in the morning and since "T" has a cold I just lie with him, trying just to be there. He barely touches me and I can feel the rift between us. We spend some time with his kids and I leave. "T" comes over later, I wasn't sure if he would be over. We had spoken about dinner, I was cooking for him but he never called. I was just about to give up when the he knocked on the door. He asked me to come and sit on the bed beside him. He pulls me down and we start to talk about what happened again. I try to explain without crying, but I can't. What I said and what he understood it to mean were two different things. He says he understands but I don't know if I believe his words to me actions have always spoken more than words. He says that this is not something to break up over and that we will both say things we will regret throughout our relationship. I agree, but how we handle something minor will tell a lot about how we will handle the bigger issues that come up. We go to sleep again with him barely touching me.

In the morning I wake up several times and fall back to sleep. As I am sleeping I feel him pull up nightgown and begin sucking on my nipple. I still feel drowsy so I never opened my eyes and just let him do what he wanted. He pushes open my legs and his hand begins to stroke me as he bites on my nipples. His hand enters me and teases me all while my nipples are in his mouth, licking, biting and pulling. He eventually lets me cum and after he is done he asks me if that made me happy. I didn't want to bring up what happened again so I never asked him what he meant by that. I simply said yes because it had made me feel good, it had released some of the tension I was feeling because the action of him touching me (however he wanted) was what I had been waiting for, something to let me know that we were ok. We stayed in bed for a while longer holding hands and I could feel the tenderness seeping back into us. I was disappointed that "T" left, we had a whole day to do something. 

Disrespectful

I was disrespectful.

I said something I shouldn't have.

I was feeling unbelievable stress today (no excuse) and I took it out on the person I love.

Worse I didn't even realize it at the time.

It wasn't until "T" called me out for it.

It wasn't until even after I thought about it, how stupid it sounded and how hurtful it was.

I hope he can accept my apology.

Running with Scissors

Yesterday I was cutting something and I decided it would be good idea to cut my finger also. It was a nice cut and it bled for hours. I wrapped it up and for the next 5 hours worked myself up into a frenzy about what to do about it. Butterfly it or get stitches. By the end of the day I was a complete mess, the irony was that if it had been one of the kids I wouldn't have even given it a second thought. But I am Mom, I don't get hurt and if I do I just deal with it. There were other factors that played in to my neurosis that made the situation worse. "T" called and new something was wrong so after me being difficult he said I am coming over to look at your finger and hung up. He took one look at it and drove me over to the urgent care center, held my hand the whole time. I needed someone to tell me what to do and take care of me, he did just that.

I am so grateful to have him in my life.

"T" Birthday

I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, which hasn't happened since I met "T". Running through my head this morning is today is "T's" birthday, I haven't had an orgasm, where should I take him for dinner, I am horny, thinking about how to give him his birthday present, I want to be touched and just everyday stuff like that. Instead of going back to sleep I turned on the TV and watched some mindless show until it was time to take my son to school. This orgasm denial thing is getting to me, I really, really, really want to cum!! As I was lying in bed I contemplated touching myself, but then the guilt would have been to much.

Later that night...

I surprised "T" at his house, we had plans to get together but I went over early and as I was driving we were on the phone but he had no idea I would be at his door soon. I pulled up and knocked - he asked if he call me back - opened the door and there I was with a chocolate cake. He was surprised and happy to see me. I took him to dinner and then we went back to his house for cake. As we pulled up to his house he turned off the car and leaned in to me. I thought I was getting a kiss but instead he was grabbing my hair from both sides. He yanked my head and whispered we are going in to eat cake then we are going back to your house where I might let you cum. He asked me if that was what I wanted - yes sir...He yanked harder and said you are not very convincing - oh yes sir yes. We ate cake with the boys and left.

At my house he showered and I waited. He told me to get into bed naked and we watched Californication that I had recorded. When it was over, he reached down with his hand and began to stroke me. His mouth began with my nipples sucking them hard going from one side to the other, I love to have my nipples sucked, pinched and what ever it's like turning on a faucet between my legs. Then "T" began softly kissing me, the stroking getting more aggressive, the kissing more passionate. I was so into what he was doing I completely forgot about everything that was going on outside the door, when we are together I become his both in body and mind. He brought me to the edge a couple of times and when he finally let me cum it was so wonderful, I probably could have cum again and again. But after he was done with me, we were lying together and as I drifted off to sleep in his arms I remember thinking it was his birthday and I was the one who came. We fell asleep together for a few hours and then he had to leave because he had to drive his son to school this morning.

Happy Birthday Baby I love you!