Comments on the Comment

I started to comment on Chloe's Husband  comment on my posting yesterday but then it got to be too long and it turned into this.

I have been around those women who joke around with their friends about blow jobs for birthdays, cash, jewelry, etc. I have even seen them do it in front of their husbands, totally emasculating them. Chloe's Husband brought up that these are the men are hanging out in strip bars. Strippers know exactly how to treat a man, they make him feel special, they give him the validation that he's craving and he empties his pockets for them willingly.

Neo Dom also mentioned being at a party and the couples were sitting around talking and one of the wives spoke about she had strung her husband along for 17 years with the promise of a blow job. I would imagine these are the exact type of married men who contact me, looking for something they are not getting at home. But I would imagine they are not just looking for sex, the are looking for acceptance and respect. On the flip side I wonder how many women just wish their guy would just "man up" and take control of their relationship (a vanilla version of  a D/s situation).

I see friends & acquaintances that are in relationships treating each other with such contempt, covering it up jokes. Do they realize that they could have so much more with simple changes? Even in a vanilla relationship there can only be one dominant person.

Neo Dom once wrote on my blog: "As a very basic rule, men like to be respected, women simply like to be taken seriously, but they also like lots of affection".

So simple and yet so many relationships lack this basic principal. Do they go into the relationship like that or does it build up over time and they just don't realize it?

Double Life

I get up in the morning and drive my son to school. Then I get ready for work but not before checking my email to see if there's anything interesting waiting for me. A couple of replies to my ad - a man covered in latex with his weiner hanging out - not exactly something I want to see at 8 in the morning. Several photographers that would like to photograph submissive woman would I be interested, no. There is absolutely no reason to have naked pictures of myself out there, call me prude but being naked, I feel is something I save for the person I'm with. Plus I always tell my kids NO NAKED PHOTOS and NO TATTOS with names of girls/guys, its never ends well. Last year I wouldn't even let me son get his girlfriends name embroidered on a pair of sneakers he wanted to custom order, they broke up a couple of months later.

I go to work, see my clients, chat with my co-workers. Go to lunch with a friend for tea and sandwiches. I go home and make dinner for my son and sometimes even dinner for the next night. Then I sit down and chat with a man from Orlando and we end up in a conversation about talking dirty in bed & the term slut in the bedroom lady on the streeet, or whatever it is. I talk to a girlfriend about a break up she's going through. I answer a couple of emails from guys I am talking with and I make a date with the lawyer from a couple of weeks ago. Read a couple of blogs, make some comments then I get ready to settle in for the night after throwing in some laundry.

Today I commented on a posting by FloridaDom'sCorner  about marriage, sex and happiness. I have never been so confused about what is right and what is wrong within a relationship. I used to think it was so simple...1 man + 1 women and cheating was wrong.  But there are so many ways of cheating - physically, emotionally, online, inperson, etc. and it doesn't even just have to be sex. Some many people are un-fullfilled within their relationships for whatever reason, I can't tell you how many married or involved men approach me on a weekly basis.

The point of this is that sometimes I feel like I lead a double life and the lines in my life are blurring. I'm not saying its bad or good, just a noticable. At the age of 44 my life perceptions are changing right before my eyes and the only place I get to speak about openly is here, because even though I test the waters delicately, I don't believe my freinds are really ready to listen with an open mind.

Loving Life

I have been laying low after my run in with the married guy AGAIN, but now I'm back. I've made a new friend "M" (check out her blog The Empty Collar) and have been enjoying her advice on meeting D's. She turned me on to CM (thesubmissivebf) and I have been having fun. There are some very interesting profiles out there, lol. She also told me how to block the ones I don't want, which came in handy - tell me why the past always turns up like a bad penny. Since "M" has been at this longer than me not only does she have words of wisdom but she has run accross some of the same D's that have been contacting me. It's like having someone on the inside and I love it.

A friend who knows some of my tastes sent me this video today and I have been laughing ever since. I hope I link this correctly so you can enjoy the Rabbits. Hope everyone is have a wonderful day, here in South FL its a sunny 82 degrees and its gorgeous out today.

Not very submisive

This has been a crazy week and my thoughts haven't been where they usually are - in the submissive zone. Between work, kids, car & fridge I've just had other things on my mind. Hard to be submissive when you have to take care of everything.

"S" who I met for coffee a couple of weeks ago contacted me. He had been going out of town right after our meeting for business. He felt a connection and wanted to see where it would lead. I didn't feel anything but sometimes I wonder if I make the right choices in men, so I told him OK. He called me and we spoke, exchanged a couple of text messages and he said we would get together this weekend. However I am not a girl who waits around for a man to call, so when he text me (which is another issue, don't text man up and call for a date) at 8:30pm to ask if I was free to see him - I told him I had already made other plans (true I was out to dinner). If he repeats this again tonight then I am not interested, I deserve to be treated with respect.

"K" text me during the week, said he wanted to tie me up and spank me, could I be there at 3pm. No sorry, right in the middle of a work day. Sounded interesting but also a little frightening, the more I think about it the more I think he's a sadist and I've only seen the very edge of what he wants to do.

Then to my surprise yesterday, as I was dealing with my broken refrigerator (leaking all over the floor), the other "K" called me. He blocked his number so I didn't know who it was. I mean WTF! I recognized his voice and told him I don't want to speak with him & hung up. I don't get it, he's married and I've asked him numerous times to leave me alone. He's going to keep pushing me and leave me no choice but to doing something drastic. On the flip side I was contacted by another man (married, in a bad relationship, blah blah blah) that wants to meet, well that's not going to happen. I thought a married guy would be easy, no hassle, no strings. The best part is he was worried about me becoming too attached to him, not the other way around.

Now I am going to empty out my freezer because I just realized that the food is starting to smell, yuck. Maybe tomorrow after my new fridge arrives, I will be able to focus on other things. Even better maybe the deliver guy will be a D, lol - feeling better already.

My place

I went to "K's" home, an apartment in a high-rise downtown. As we were talking he told me to turn around,  he came up behind me pushing my body against the bar counter top and began kissing my neck. His kisses turned into biting, but not with all teeth just a couple. When he was done greeting me we walked downtown for dinner, BB Kings. Very enjoyable dinner discussing various topics and then we went back to his place. Before I left I visited the ladies room and there was an attendant. I asked her to look at my the back of my shoulder (because it was stinging) and sure enough where he had bitten me there was already a bruise starting. I told her my date had bitten me...then I said isn't that a good way to start off the night? She laughed and gave me that look of are you crazy.

We sat on the couch together making out, he had straddled me on the couch so that I was trapped under him as he had fun with me. Then he stood up and said come with me. Into the other bedroom, he placed a basket and towel on the bed and said, get undressed and put on this towel. He left the room and I stood there for a couple of minutes just thinking about what I wanted to do. I thought of Aisha and how she had flown somewhere to meet with a man and here I just had a 20 min. drive, this is what I wanted a lover. I began to undress and wrapped the towel around myself.

I walked out and he was on the couch, he told me to kneel at his feet. He looked at me and said this is your place, kneeling in front of me with your head on my chest. "K" had me repeat it several times to make sure I understood and said when we are out and I remind you about your place this is what I want you to think of. Then surprising me, he just held me against his chest and petted my hair. He kept talking about how safe I was and how nothing would happen unless I wanted it to, he reminded me I had my safe words - yellow to slow down and red to stop. This went on for a good 25 min. just holding me. Then he began to kiss me hard, pulling my hair, biting my lip - neck & chest. It was the same intense stuff we did in the parking lot only this time I was kneeling in front of him with my ass sticking up, essentially naked. There was some spanking, nipple pulling, etc. After each session he would bring me back to my place and pet me. By the time we finished  I felt like I had melted into his chest and really did feel safe.

He had me stand up (no towel) and he stood in front of me. More of what he had been doing on the couch continued and this time he added scratching. He took his finger nails and dragged them along the sides of my back, it was F----ing painful. The more I cried out the more he continued, I thought after a few times it would be over so I endured but he just kept going. So much so that I used the yellow word. I had closed my eyes and he had to tell me several times to look at him. I could hear him but I felt stuck and when I finally opened them my brain was foggy. He held me and we talked a little. Then we started kissing passionately and instead of me leaving like we had planned, I knew we were going to keep going.

"K" brought me into his bedroom and told me to lie on the bed. He got on top of me and we had sex.

Here is where I began to question things....how can D/s thing be so intense, so wonderful and so fullfilling but the sex is so not good. This is the second D I have been with that had the same issue (conicidentally someone from last year). They are masters of the words, pain and pleasure but when it comes to the act of sex they just can't do it. One couldn't keep it hard enough, one didn't seem to know what to do with it when it was hard.  Don't get me wrong I would definately see him again because the other was so good, my back is still burning from him. Reminding me what went on but I would be happy not having sex with him. He couldn't even make me cum hand or tongue, it was not good for a man so skilled in the other. It left me wondering if there are others have had a similar issue, I have been contimplating posting to the Submissive forum. I know sex is not the end all be all in this type of relationship but it is a part at least in this one.


Hair pulling

What started out as not a good day, ended this evening with me getting my hair pulled & my neck bitten. I am pretty sure there are some marks.

Late today I went for some therapy in the form of a pedicure with my friend. I knew she would pick up my mood. and while we were drying I recieved a message from "K". I had told him earlier that I had issues with our date Friday, since I haven't figured out how to be in two places at one time. We had been going back and forth about alternatives and the end result was we would get together around 930 tonight.

We met at a restaurant/bar that is really cute, decorated to look like a living room, with comfee couches & chairs. "K" got there first, so when I arrived he already had a couch for us to enjoy a drink and some live music. The begining reminded me of a vanilla date, slowly he kept moving closer to me, like he was trying not to scare an animal. I thought it was kind of cute, eventually he ended up putting his arm around me, petting my hair, touching my arm. All done very carefully to see if I accepted each touch, he said he liked the way I reacted. I laughed and said but I haven't done anything...oh yes you have with the smile & laugh (I could never fake either one of those). He asked me if I felt anything when he touched me, I shook my head yes - my whole body felt warm (not a reaction that I get from just anyone).

We talked about all types of subjects and very gently he eased into some not so vanilla subjects. Each time he brought up something he made sure I was comfortable and would move a little further. We talked about safe words, flogging, being able to read me, dominating in public, pushing limits (you know all the regular date stuff). He considers himself to more of a sensual D but I think he enjoys pain a little more than he lets on. He touched me and petted me as we listened to the music and he whispered in my ear about how the anticipation of the first kiss is so strong. He let me think about it for a while and then later he kissed me. Started off gentle and then as he seems to do when I respond he goes further. Good kissing is always a good sign to me and he passed the first test. I didn't realize it but it was almost midnight. He walked me out to my car, which was parked next to his.

"K" pushed me up against the car and began to stroke my hair. Soon my hair which he had so carefully pushed back was being pulled gently at first and when he did that I felt myself getting wet. There is something about my hair being pulled that just gets me going. Now you can't just pull the hair you have to know how to grab it the right way. So here we are kissing, pulling hair and then biting, no I would call it nipping.  He began on my neck and chest area and that's when I started moaning, I know this because I hear it but I couldn't stop it. I heard someone walk by us, but I was in this zone and I really I didn't care if they heard me. That's how it was in the bar, I forget there are other people around us.

The scene at the car was very intense so I figured this would be a good time to see how he reacted after. He was still holding me but not kissing me anymore, he was watching me. I felt like I was weak so I put my head down towards his chest and he pulled me in and held me, stroking my hair. I needed to know if he would be able to care for me after something intense and I was relieved that he was able to give me exactly what I needed.

After a couple of minutes he asked me if I was still free tomorrow night, yes. He said he would call me tomorrow. I realized later that he never touched any of the stuff that a vanilla date would go for on a date, like breasts. Which makes me think that its going to be very intense when it does happen.

This is just what I needed, he is not LTR material because he travels a lot, but I could definately see him as a D & friend.


Just don't know what to say

Clive, I tried to not let it ruin my day, but I feel like I was punched in the stomach. Not because of what he wrote (because he is entitled to his opinion) but because he felt the need to write to me again, while I am trying to heal. I am trying to move ahead with my life, trying to forget that the man I put my faith and trust in, the man I loved just walked away.  

"T", I hear your message (again), I am to blame for everything that was bad in the relationship. I was a horrible sub & girlfriend, I am sorry I made you so miserable....now you have said your peace on my blog, so just leave me alone.

Simply Wonderful

I had a simply wonderful day. I have been communicating with a new man "K" (not to be confused with the other K). He is a few years younger than me (my very first younger man). His emails to me have been interesting and just the right mix of vanilla & D/s. Today he invited me to meet him for coffee at Starbucks. As I was waiting for him I read my kindle, which had a bdsm book and it was HOT. So this may have had some influence over my mood.

He bought me my favorite chi latte tea and we sat down to talk. He was very nice, mixed vanilla with a hint of D/s. I could see he watched my reactions to what he said and what he asked. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and when I had to leave he walked me to my car. We said goodbye and he hugged me. As he let go, he held on to me for a moment and he looked at me, laughed and let me go. In that moment I could tell his wheels were turning, wondering...you know that look that a D gives you. Anyway I left there thinking this was a man I could be with, definitely lover potential.

An email showed up in my box later:
I thought you were pretty awesome! Such a nice smile and you know how to laugh at things. And I'm super curious to bring out that submissive side in you in the future as my instinct tells me I think we would work well together in that respect. I sense that you are (rightfully) very cautious but hopefully you had a similar feeling. Do you have plans over this weekend at all?
Yes it was simply a wonderful day for this submissive.


P.S. This has nothing to do with "K" and more do with a friend...tonight was the night I flipped the switch on "T". I was speaking to my friend who has been dealing with a family issue, so I hadn't told her about my breakup. It was funny I thought she would see it more from his side but she was completely supportive of me. She said that everyone has shit in their lives and part of life is dealing with it, in a mature manner. What a jackass (she said), F--- him for being such a looser weenie. I love my friend for putting exactly what I was feeling into words, anyway it was just the push I needed.

Thanks but NO

I'll never call you or write you again after this unless you initiate the contact , but I think you should go back and read your posts about me again
If you are honest with yourself and what you seek I think you'll realize that I challenged you mentally and physically and maybe just maybe we deserve a 2nd chance
You said repeatedly that I have ESP and knew what you needed in all aspects including making you feel safe on bad dates.
All i ask is you think about it and then if you find it in your heart reach out to me and be happy again.
I know I miss you as well
"K" (Sir)
This is the email I received from "K", my former D (married). I have told him repeatedly that I don't want to see him but he won't go away. Yes everything he said was true, he challenged me and he did make me feel safe at the time. But when we ended it my switch flipped and once that happens it doesn't matter what you say.

One man I met described the D/s relationship like a drug (tapping his arm at the same time). I have to agree with him because lately I definately have felt the same way. Now, I may not be "happy"(or satisfied) right now but I am the type of person that can never go back. I have moved past my experience's with "K" and while I appreciate him helping me grow as a submissive, I am looking for a new challenge.

So thank you for the offer but I politely decline.

Poetry

"Every time you cum for me, you submit. You surrender to me. Every time I don't cum, I master myself. I master my self control by claiming your surrender. Its not about controlling you. Its about controlling myself to give you maximum pleasure, to gain your maximum submission."
I usually read books about submissiveness but I have to say this book I was reading was my first romantic bdsm book (which are dirt cheap on my Kindle) was pretty good. This passage caught my attention, I found it very poetic.

I met "S" for coffee and he turned out to be a nice guy. He began with a very heartfelt apology, saying he doesn't know why he reacted the way he did and that it was very out of character for him. I felt it was genuine, but I also felt like we could be more friends than lovers - just no vibe. A free SB chi latte tea for me, on top of the DD ice coffee I had before (junkie).

I met "J" for lunch at the Mello Mushroom (good choice for a quick meal). Just like I can tell if I like a guy right away, this time I could tell I didn't like him. He talked a lot about his ex's and how crazy they were. Sorry but anybody who says all their past relationships have been with crazy people, well that's just a warning bell to me. All of my relationships may not have worked out but I don't speak ill of them because there is enough crazy to go around for both of us. Again nobody is perfect. He also mentioned that he doesn't feel comfortable tieing somebody up, yet - he's working on it. I am nobodys test dummy. Now if he had been someone who didn't like to gamble and drink a lot I may have given him the benefit of the doubt but there were just to many things that came up. He asked me at the end of lunch if I wanted to see him again. I said no (politely) that I couldn't be involved with the heavy drinking and gambling, just not my thing. I could tell he was crushed and I babbled like an idiot to make him feel better, until we said goodbye.

 
I also have alunch  date Monday with "M", the lawyer. I can already tell that I will definately like him, he's got that powerful man charisma that I am attracted to.

I got another email from a "J", he told me a lot about himself and he asked a lot of questions.

We'll see.....it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

Good Dom Recipe

I signed up to FetLife and joined a few groups (as soon as I have time I will start friending people or whatever its called). Most of the discussions I ignore but this one caught my eye, its a great recipe. But just like any good recipe there is always something more to add...anybody?

A good Dom:

Takes His time, savours every moment.
Thinks ahead, plans what He wants to do, where He wants to go.
He makes a conscious effort to improve His skills, to become a Master.
Is the steadfast rock, never loses focus or control.
Watches His sub, reads her body, her expressions, her reactions.
Takes note of every sight, sound, taste, smell, texture and touch.
Takes total control in a respectful and reassuring way.
Does not allow his sub to hide, He knows her beauty and all of her little imperfections.
Understands how a woman's body works, and how to get the results He wants.
He communicates in explicit terms, before, during and after.
He claims ownership of his sub's body, for His use.
He shows respect and cares for his sub's body, health and mind.
He guides his sub to places she has never been before.
He cherishes her submission.
Thank you...sexysub72 

I'd like to buy a vowel

So "R" called me and we spoke, details came out that I wasn't exactly thrilled about. Such as he is 54 and only been divorced for 6 months. The age thing I can work with because he doesn't look or act 54, but the 6 months divorced thing is an issue. Through experience I have a policy not to get involved with someone who hasn't been divorced for at least a year. I know some would disagree but after a divorce or being widowed people need time to re-group and I don't want to be the rebound person. We are supposed to meet for coffee on Sunday but I think I am probably going to cancel.

"S" wants to meet for coffee Friday morning. He is a guy who I had contact with last year when I first started this process. I had to cancel a first date with him and he wrote back saying I was a fake. The second time I posted an ad he responded again but I told him no, that he was mean to me and I didn't appreciate it. He apologized but I still said no. Now here he is again, so we will see. One sign of anything similar to that and he's out for good.

"J" and I have a lunch date on Saturday, he also found me on a vanilla dating site (which at first I thought was weird, but then I realized I probably would have done the same thing), I feel like I have seen his profile before. The good thing was at least my friend the serial dater hasn't been out with him.

I think "B" is out just because he doesn't respond in a timely manner to the point of being rude.

There is another guy "J" #2 but he seems like a flake, so he's probably headed to the no column.

I woke this morning to have a very unusual email from a soldier in Afghanistan (with pic) and he wanted to start something long distance so he would have someone to come home to. I felt guilty saying no because I respect and feel bad for him being over there but I can't do long distance, I need (deserve) more.

Inbox

Very interesting day, my inbox was flooded so Jeffrey (cat) and I had plenty to read. After exchanging emails it was narrowed down to only a couple. "J" who I initially turned down because of distance but as I was deleting pictures on my phone his caught my eye. Maybe I didn't look at it the first time but with my new mind set decided to give him a chance. We have been chatting all evening on and off. He has asked the right amount of vanilla questions and is now moving to the other side.

"S" who I had exchanged emails with last year but we never got together, he wrote and asked for a second chance...what did we have to lose. So I said OK, its just coffee what can it hurt.

There is one creepy guy (retired law enforcement) who keeps asking me if I am working today, gee I wonder what he's thinking.

"B" who I also spoke with last year, he's very cultured and little goofy but he lives far.

So right now I have J, S, R & B.