Forced Orgasm

He has graciously taken over Mastering me until I find what I am looking for. Today histoy wrote about the man she wants to meet, hoping one day soon to be his toy. I too am looking for that man, who will want the same things that I want. Until then I am grateful for his Mastering, keeping me balanced and moving forward.

I slipped right back into "Sir" very easily, giving him control over my body and mind, letting him take me where he wants to go. He has taken back possession of me very quickly, making up for lost time. The day starts with a phone call or a text, then a visit from him taking what is his, to do with as he pleases. He keeps things moving during the day with text messages that start off simple then end up with me feeling flushed and my pussy throbbing.

After a day of being kept on the edge, the evening brings a forced orgasm using the Hitachi wand. The orgasms were given freely at first then they were taken at his insistence. The wand was turned from low to high, pressing harder and harder against me. Even when I didn't think there was anymore to give, he took more by talking to me in between. Calming me down and then when I heard the wand go on again, I would begin to whimper because I was sore and I didn't think it would feel good, but I was wrong. "Sir" brought me to a crashing orgasm, one after another. I was not aloud to come without permission, which was a challenge at first but then I came every time he told me to.

I had been humiliated earlier during the day, by having to call his voice mail to leave a message. Begging him to let me cum. I felt ridiculous and my face was hot with humiliation. During the session I had to beg for each orgasm and when they came I was to scream out his name. I can't tell you everything that happened because it all becomes a blur or sounds & feelings. I do know that afterwards I was told I was a good girl.


I remember when I was looking (still am) for a LTR partner, I came across this guy who offered to help me while I was looking. He told me that as a submissive there were certain needs that I had and he said he would be happy to help me with them. I remember thinking this guy is just trying to get me into his bed. He told me he had helped out other subs. Needless to say I turned him down, this was in the beginning of my journey and I was like no way.

Now being a woman I reserve the right to change my mind at anytime, this is one of those times. I said that I was doing something I had never done before....I let someone back into my life, someone who I had ended things with. It wasn't an easy decision to open myself up but when we were together he always made me feel taken care of and he really knew how to control me. His words, text messages and touch always excited me. So I decided to give it a try. This is not a LTR guy, he was a lover, a protector (he was pretty pissed off that I was abandoned).

I knew that once I let him back in things would happen quickly, he is not a patient man. We started with emails, texts, phone calls and then finally a meeting. His words were so intoxicating to me I felt fuzzy and extremely submissive, something that I miss since I am not in a relationship. What happened is something I didn't  expect, he cleared my head and made me feel centered. He took control of me, like I needed him too.

There was a little of everything ass-pussy-breast spanking, cock sucking, hair pulling (you know I love that), restraining (really love that) and a lot of being told what to do. We tried it with headphones to drown out sound and I liked that feeling, add that with a blindfold & restraints and oh boy! After having not seen him for a while, it all fell into place pretty smoothly and just like any good high it left me wanting more.  

So this leads me to wonder if I need D/s maintenance to keep myself balanced. If you had asked me that last year I would have said you are crazy, but now that I know how I want to feel, how much I miss having it in my life...I have to say maybe I do.


I wonder if being a submissive or D is an excuse to take chances or is it more because we know what we want and how we need to feel?

I have decided to peek out from around the wall (as ahiddenslave said yesterday), step out of my comfort zone and do something I have never done before.  Even though I might get hurt or worse actually feel something, I can't stop myself.

I asked a friend this morning WTF am I doing, part of her reply was....
"I think sometimes i just need to "feel" even if just for a little bit, i need to "feel" the blood flow, the heart beat, the sensation of being alive, of being submissive. It is a craving that needs to be answered, needs to be what you feel you need to do, and always remember you are my friend and if at any time you need a friend i am here!"
I wish everybody was as accepting as she is, a friend who no matter what happens and is there to support you, cheer for you when you are winning and pick you up when you have fallen. I strive to be like her to all my friends and family everyday.

Choosing to be

Sometimes when I read other blogs or comments the words make me think about something relevant in my life. Today, Aisha wrote a post on being vulnerable.
It seems like there is tremendous vulnerability in being submissive.  We purposely walk into situations that may trigger tremendous emotional pain.  In fact, we choose pain.  When and how it comes is not our choice, so we are not able to protect ourselves by being prepared for it. How does it work for dominants?  Are they walking into vulnerability too?  

These words spoke to me (probably not the way they were intended) in regards to something that came up. This is not a sad posting just more of a look inward to see how I want to proceed.

I am questioning whether to choose being vulnerable or stay in my protected shell with the wall up where I know I am safe...but am I happy?

I question what is the right thing to do, will I be judged and quite frankly will I be able to or is it just a memory I am holding on to?

So much to think about....


Holiday's have always been challenging for me when I am not in a relationship. I logged onto CM this morning to find that I was definitely not alone. I had twice as many views & messages today and there were a lot of people in Florida online today. And why not, just turn on the TV and see all the happy family commercials advertising for any holiday, its enough to make you do stupid things (not me, lol!).

I found myself wondering about the past. I thought about the men I have been with and came up with the a D's soup (no names).
I want what ? gave me, the ability to make me desire & please him just from hearing his voice and reading his words. He had control over me and exercised it for his pleasure.
I want what ? gave me, he could look at me and I knew he could see into my soul. He watched me so carefully, he knew every breath I took meant something. He was passionate, rough and gentle.

I want what ? gave me, his written words & voice enticed me into doing things I never thought I would.

I want what ? gave me, security, the feeling of being loved, fantastic activity partner and a desire to please.

I want what ? gave me, the ability to trust him and put myself in his hands. He took me to a place I never thought I would see. He took me over to the bdsm side, willingly.

I also want what ????? couldn't give me. A man who is in control of himself, someone who follows through. Someone who isn't an emotional mess, someone who can full fill my needs to be controlled & punished if needed, a LTR with vanilla & D/s wrapped so tightly you don't know where one starts and the other ends. There's more little things that evolve over time but you get the general idea.

Yes while the kids (not my teenagers) were hunting for Easter eggs and eating chocolate bunnies this is what I think was thinking about, thank goodness Thanksgiving is months away.

Happy Easter to all my blogger friends - new, old & anonymous (I see you visiting)

You never know until you ask

What I say I like today may not be what I like tomorrow. Being a women sometimes I change my mind (shocking isn't it). Sometimes I feel like if I express an opinion about a certain aspect, that I have been pigeoned holed into following that down the line, but that's not the case.

For example I wrote how "K" was a sadist and I knew it was too much for me. Really what I should have said was he was too much for me. I knew our relationship was nothing more than a passing thing and I knew that I wouldn't be able to give everything I had over to him. That doesn't mean I won't come across someone who I want to be in a long term relationship with who enjoys the sadistic parts.

I get asked what I like, what have I done before but really you have to ask....would you consider exploring that more with me and with the right person the answer would be yes.

Just because I write I didn't like something with one person doesn't mean I don't ever want to try again, it means it just wasn't right with them. I pride myself in being able to try new things, I may not always like it but I will always give it my best shot.

Special Gift (dripping vanilla)

Today (well more like 3am) my daughter got flu like symptoms. She is 20 yrs old, very independent and opinionated. We ended up at the doctors office where they said she had bronchitis and some type of infection but really couldn't figure out what was wrong with her but she's on enough antibiotics to take down an elephant.

My gift came in the form of her wanting her mother. After being sick for 4hrs she ended up sleeping in my bed. Then when it was time to go to the doctors, instead of her boyfriend she wanted her mother. Afterwards she came home to sleep and went immediately to my room (where she still is even though her boyfriend was here all day). She has informed me that she will be staying the night.

I know tomorrow when all the meds kick in she will be back in her own world discovering life without mom, but today I got a wonderful gift of taking care of my baby girl when she needed me.

When you have older kids its all about the moments, they come and go quickly so grab them whenever you can.

It's not my turn

Om pa Loom pa's are small. They have great personalities, but they are not so good to date.

I took a chance on guy, he came across great great on paper. Captured my attention, he wasn't a D but more of a dominant person. We communicated for a couple of weeks and finally made plans for breakfast today. I wanted to meet for my usual coffee, you know keep it short & sweet just in case (break glass in case of emergency) but he insisted that we do something more civilized and grown up. I picked the place a great local eatery, not a chain but something cute and colorful (my style).

Now if it had been for coffee I would have set up an emergency out as usual but this was early and my in case of emergencies were still sleeping, so I went in without back up. When I arrived he was down by the water and as he came towards me I realized that he was a 6 inches to a foot shorter than I was. OK I know what you are saying - shallow. I can deal with an inch shorter but anything more is just not for me. I like tall men, I will put up with someone the same height, not my first choice but if I really liked them I would deal with it. I wouldn't wear heels and then I would take off my shoe (1) when we kissed so I could be at the same and I would feel like I was being kissed and not the other way around.

So when he got to me, I knew there was no getting out of this date until after breakfast. I couldn't even enjoy myself plus I realized that he looked at me as more of a curiosity. He may have been a dominant person (maybe?) but it was at that moment I realized that a D is different. When I went out with "K" he had this way of observing me that made me know he was a D, a way of taking charge that was different. Now "K" wasn't for me because he was a sadist and I knew that it would only become more intense, but I did have fun experimenting.

It was suggested that I had messed up a good thing before and that now I regreted it. I don't, obviously it wasn't right. Now I haven't found anybody to replace that but that's not what I want because it wasn't right for me. I am still looking for the same thing I have always been looking for...taking away bits and pieces of each encounter, learning and molding myself so that when it does come along I will know.

The date turned out to be excrusiating painful and even more so when he asked if you could see me again. I turned him down as politely as I could, thanked him for breakfast and we went our separate ways. 

I am happy for several of my friends who are finding success in this crazy dating world (vanilla & bdsm). It's their turn and I am happy for them.

I keep moving forward imagining what he will be like because someday it will be my turn. 

The game

I was accused of playing the dating game. He said that he knew I was talking to other men and that was OK but he felt like he had no control over the game.

He's right, I do play the dating game. Not by choice but because that's how the cards are dealt. I have read and spoken to others who experience the same as I with men. You start off emailing with them, they seem interested, you share details and things are going along - then poof, their gone. Never to be heard from again. So yes I play the game to protect myself.

Until we get to a meeting, I am looking out for myself. I am questioning everything they say until I can determine if they are worthy of the next step. Being completely honest there are levels - email, messenger, phone, meeting.

If they become to aggressive, if they say something that sets off a warning bell, if they are an extreme sadist, express a feeling of desire or love over email or messenger, etc., then they don't make it to the next level. Very similar to vanilla dating.

Just because I am submissive doesn't mean I will accept anything. I am looking for something special. I am looking for a dominant man who wants a long term relationship and not just play time. I want relationship that combines D/s and vanilla, with someone who is honest and in control of himself and his life. I am looking for an honest open relationship where I can share my submission with a dominant man, it seems so simple yet so complicated.

Last time I checked I wasn't in a relationship with a commitment so yes I play the dating game, looking for that one.

There are some new players in my game...


All I wanted to do was change the look of my blog....hours later

Too many choices so this is how its going to be for a while


Today I let my emotions get the better of me.

I was angry and all the hurt I thought I had buried came rising back up.

I acted before thinking (as my friend pointed out).

I totally lost control of my emotions.

I can't change what I did today.

I know tomorrow will be better.


I logged on to CM and up pops a profile for my viewing. Lokomasti a dominant male from Tampa and what caught my eye was the title "Dominants vs. Domwannabees". Since I have come across a lot of wannabees I thought what he had written was very imformative reminder.

Dominants VS Domwannabees A Domwannabee will be rude or abusive, even in his first contact with you.
A Dom will be polite/sociable as they are seeking someone who desires to give them power/control and therefore has no reason to be anything but polite and sociable.

A Domwannabee will tell you what a ‘real’ Dom/sub is, as if he is an ‘authority’ on the subject.
A Dom will direct you to places where you can learn more.

A Domwannabee will try to ‘take’ control.
A Dom will give you the opportunity to give power/control to him. A Dom accepts a power exchange; he doesn't 'take' it since it is something to be 'given' (not 'taken').

A Domwannabee has anger, or uses ‘anger’ as a tool, even before he is in a D/s relationship.
A Dom is in control of himself at all times. If he isn’t then how can he be in control of another? (Does a sub want to be subject to someone’s ‘anger,’ or to they want to subject to their ‘control?’)

A Domwannabee will try to make you fit the mold he has already determined.
A Dom will seek to understand your psychology and needs, and then design a relationship based upon the needs of you both.

RED FLAGS - (my all to familiar favorites)
1. Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
2. Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
3. Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
4. Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
5. Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
6. Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
7. Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
8. Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
9. Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it. (Do you want a critical person, or a positive person?)
10. Does not take personal responsibility. (Run at this one if this is a Dom!)
11. Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
12. Always finds excuses for not meeting.
13. Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
14. Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
15. Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
16. Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub. (A Dom accepts submission, manipulator or wannabe will try to manipulate/coerce power from you.)
17. Blames you for your hurt feelings.
18. Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
19. Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
20. Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm. 21. Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
22. Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
23. Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
24. Consistently breaks promises.
25. Lies or withholds information.
26. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
27. Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
28. Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
29. Puts you down in front of other people.
30. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
31. Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
32. Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
33. Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas.
34. Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
35. Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
36. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
37. Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
38. Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39. Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

Thank you Lokomasti, its nice to be reminded that there are some good ones out there.
Now if you could just put together a list for us that would be helpful :)


When I hear a D say....

I'm not a jerk like most of those other guys, I know how to treat a woman.

Bells should be going off in my head.

If you listen carefully people usually show their true selves without any prompting.

Separating LTR/Friend/Lover

When I make a decision to be with someone, LTR or play I am totally into them at that moment. But no matter how things go I know which is the LTR and which is playing.

I bring this up because I got an email from "K". I had subbed for him a few weeks ago. I thought we had the boundaries all set up, he wasn't looking for LTR and I was. But I enjoyed his company so I considered him to be a friend/lover. We had been trying to get together again but our schedules conflicted. He sent me an email right before he left for a couple of weeks along the lines of I saw that you were still looking for someone, I guess I wasn't the right guy for you.

I wrote back apologizing for misreading the situation, I understood that you weren't looking for LTR and that is why I kept looking. I told him I considered him a friend/lover and if I had misled him then I was sorry. He wrote back that he had mis-read and that if we wanted to keep it that context that was fine with him.

Now the point of this is that even though we talked about it before hand, when we were together I am so into being with him, he took it another way. He thought that I was so into him that I wouldn't mind not seeing him for weeks at a time, that's not what LTR is to me. I am looking for that day to day interaction. Why do men think that I am going to fall for them and not be able to separate? I thought that being more experienced than I, would understand that is my personality, vulnerability is what I show when we are together. I am totally into you when I am with you but afterwards I know when its done we aren't going to be together unless that's what we both want.

OK now I'm just repeating myself and not making any sense. I am just not sure how to express this.


I met with "JR" a local D for coffee. "M" had warned me that she had already had interaction with him but I was curious, because after all whats right for one person is not always right for another. Well I should have listened, lol! He was a little creepy for me and he asked me within 15 min of meeting if I would see him again - I said no, that I just didn't feel it. It was awkward for a moment and then we just talked about the lifestyle. Which made me realize even more that he wasn't the guy for me. We parted friendly and when I got home he messaged me asking if I would change my mind - no.

The one thing I do like about this lifestyle is the ability to say no (on either side) and not have to play those obnoxious vanilla games. For me its either its there or it isn't.

I am talking to 2 other guys on CM. One I have been warned about from "M", I am taking it very seriously. She met him and he was a hoarder, his life is totally out of control. So I can cross him off the list. The other guy is "M" he lives in Orlando, about 2.5 hrs away. I am always leery of guys far away, its too easy for them to just fade away so I am hesitant, but trying to give it an honest try.