I logged on to CM and up pops a profile for my viewing. Lokomasti a dominant male from Tampa and what caught my eye was the title "Dominants vs. Domwannabees". Since I have come across a lot of wannabees I thought what he had written was very imformative reminder.

Dominants VS Domwannabees A Domwannabee will be rude or abusive, even in his first contact with you.
A Dom will be polite/sociable as they are seeking someone who desires to give them power/control and therefore has no reason to be anything but polite and sociable.

A Domwannabee will tell you what a ‘real’ Dom/sub is, as if he is an ‘authority’ on the subject.
A Dom will direct you to places where you can learn more.

A Domwannabee will try to ‘take’ control.
A Dom will give you the opportunity to give power/control to him. A Dom accepts a power exchange; he doesn't 'take' it since it is something to be 'given' (not 'taken').

A Domwannabee has anger, or uses ‘anger’ as a tool, even before he is in a D/s relationship.
A Dom is in control of himself at all times. If he isn’t then how can he be in control of another? (Does a sub want to be subject to someone’s ‘anger,’ or to they want to subject to their ‘control?’)

A Domwannabee will try to make you fit the mold he has already determined.
A Dom will seek to understand your psychology and needs, and then design a relationship based upon the needs of you both.

RED FLAGS - (my all to familiar favorites)
1. Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
2. Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
3. Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
4. Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
5. Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
6. Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
7. Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
8. Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
9. Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it. (Do you want a critical person, or a positive person?)
10. Does not take personal responsibility. (Run at this one if this is a Dom!)
11. Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
12. Always finds excuses for not meeting.
13. Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
14. Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
15. Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
16. Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub. (A Dom accepts submission, manipulator or wannabe will try to manipulate/coerce power from you.)
17. Blames you for your hurt feelings.
18. Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
19. Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
20. Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm. 21. Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
22. Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
23. Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
24. Consistently breaks promises.
25. Lies or withholds information.
26. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
27. Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
28. Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
29. Puts you down in front of other people.
30. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
31. Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
32. Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
33. Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas.
34. Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
35. Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
36. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
37. Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
38. Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39. Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

Thank you Lokomasti, its nice to be reminded that there are some good ones out there.
Now if you could just put together a list for us that would be helpful :)


  1. I am guilty on number 13. I always want my wife to do more. Nice post!

  2. Shoot, I might get back on cm just to look up Lokomasti...


    Nice post - thanks!


  3. Excellent information! Thank you for the post!

  4. Can't argue with Lokomasti there - and the 39 red flags, absolutely. Some bull fight would ensure there. Thanks BF xxx

  5. Great post...should be in the header of CM!

  6. ND I don't think you fall into the same catagory as a domwannabee. You have established trust so it would be considered helping your submissive to grow.

    Aisha, Histoy, Clive & HS I agree excellent information and should be a list that everyone who signs up for CM receives.

  7. Hi sbf this is a great post especially to someone who is just starting out in the lifestyle.

    blossom xx

  8. Hooray sbf, wonderful post. He has put it wonderfully well hasn't he? When searching setting out on my journey I found so many Domwannabees, I am so glad not to have to go through that anymore. I am so very fortunate to have found M.

    Velvet <3

  9. That safeword picture is priceless. Made me laugh.

  10. Absolutely fantastic. I believe this should be one of the first reads for any prospect sub in order to give her/him an awareness of what is within a true Dom versus a "dabble in it".
    Sir for kitten

  11. As a new submissive in training, i can really appreciate a list like this as i am sure there are D/s relationships that are less than ideal and healthy and this defines things in a very positive light!

    i wonder how many people (new or seasoned) have an unhealthy D/s relationship because they just don't know any better or think it cannot exist.

    In the day and age we live in, Doms who behave in a way that puts a negative darkness into the D/s world make it hard for those that have a healthy and beautiful D/s relationship that is safe, sane and consensual <3

    my Sir suggested i read this and I am so happy He did.

    Thanks to the original author and the re-poster!!!

    kitten for Sir

  12. Thanks for all the wonderful comments and welcome to the new visitors.

  13. Wow this is an awesome post, and is especially helpful for someone like me who is currently searching for a dominant. Thanks so much for this post, and i look forward to reading more of your blog!