Holiday's have always been challenging for me when I am not in a relationship. I logged onto CM this morning to find that I was definitely not alone. I had twice as many views & messages today and there were a lot of people in Florida online today. And why not, just turn on the TV and see all the happy family commercials advertising for any holiday, its enough to make you do stupid things (not me, lol!).

I found myself wondering about the past. I thought about the men I have been with and came up with the a D's soup (no names).
I want what ? gave me, the ability to make me desire & please him just from hearing his voice and reading his words. He had control over me and exercised it for his pleasure.
I want what ? gave me, he could look at me and I knew he could see into my soul. He watched me so carefully, he knew every breath I took meant something. He was passionate, rough and gentle.

I want what ? gave me, his written words & voice enticed me into doing things I never thought I would.

I want what ? gave me, security, the feeling of being loved, fantastic activity partner and a desire to please.

I want what ? gave me, the ability to trust him and put myself in his hands. He took me to a place I never thought I would see. He took me over to the bdsm side, willingly.

I also want what ????? couldn't give me. A man who is in control of himself, someone who follows through. Someone who isn't an emotional mess, someone who can full fill my needs to be controlled & punished if needed, a LTR with vanilla & D/s wrapped so tightly you don't know where one starts and the other ends. There's more little things that evolve over time but you get the general idea.

Yes while the kids (not my teenagers) were hunting for Easter eggs and eating chocolate bunnies this is what I think was thinking about, thank goodness Thanksgiving is months away.

Happy Easter to all my blogger friends - new, old & anonymous (I see you visiting)


  1. And that is what all your time and experience has given you. The ability to know what you want and what you don't. And that is priceless. Like the post I wrote not long ago, The Road Leads To Now. It is a culmination of all we have learned and been through that have lead us to where we are. They prepare us for the future. So...when you do finally find the right person, you will be much better equipped to handle and deal with him and yourself. That experience is absolutely priceless. Happy Easter to you as well! :)


  2. ah the past... its like taking a trip to NYC, so much fun to see the sights, the sounds, to become immersed, to fully enjoy the visit, you need to always remember your true home is some where else...Happy Easter my friend!

  3. If it helps we both worked through all of it and saw even less of each other than normal... and we live together. Go and do something fun, eat chocolate and enjoy this time. Nothing lasts forever...

  4. And happy easter to you too, BF xxx

  5. Thanks for the comments. This posting has brought up some feelings that I didn't think I had for someone I thought I was done with. Looks like I have some thinking to do.