Hello & Good Bye

The new man in my life is "C", also known as Daddy or Master. I thought about what Nick had said about communication being key. As I was getting ready for work, I stared at my phone - do I text him or do I call. The worry was taken out of my hands, he called me. After having felt that connection with him I knew that if I was going to give it an honest try that I would have to tell him. I explained to him about the man I was seeing, how he had come to be in my life. How I had been falling apart after my breakup and that he had "rescued me" but that we both new it was temporary because of his situation. "C" asked me if I was willing to give up this man...I said yes. I told him that I never would have told you about him if I didn't feel a connection and wanted to see where it would lead. "C" told me that he appreciated my honesty and loyalty. I also told him about my blog and how I had chronicled my journey. I explained that it was there if he wanted to read it or not, so far he hasn't and that's ok because I never want to forget that this is mine, my outlet.

We spent another block of time together (6hrs) but it felt like no time had passed. I can't even describe everything we talked about, it was so much to process.  I can tell you he expects me to go places I never thought I would. He asked me why I would go there now...I said that I wouldn't go there with someone who just wanted that one thing. But its different with you because you offer more of what I want and that one thing is just a small piece of the puzzle. He wants a long term relationship, a lover, family, vanilla and kinky, a baby girl, a collared slave, whore and a lady. He wants it all, I want it all...I want the whole package and I'm willing to work hard to be happy.

He's already seeped into my brain and I think about him all the time.
Goodbye - we had always said that when the time came that either one of us wanted to go, we would honor each other. We said goodbye today so that I can honestly and purely pursue this new relationship. We wished each other happiness and he told me to be careful, not to let my heart get hurt again. I thanked him for being there for me when I needed him and that I would always remember how he rescued me.

Nice surprise

Today brought an unexpected turn of events for me. Someone who had contacted me from CM, called me today. Now I have to say going into the phone call I expected nothing more than the usual nonsense, what I got was the complete opposite.

We talked for 4 hours, only ending the call because my battery was dying and I didn't have a charger with me. The conversation flowed so naturally and we spoke about everything from vanilla to mild kink. Although at one point he had me touching myself to see how wet I was (how do they do that). I sat down on the couch to talk to him and ended up sinking deep into his voice and experienced what he called a version of subspace. That feeling of being light headed and foggy, like I was wrapped up in a blanket.

We spoke about previous relationships. I told him about my last one and how the D hadn't followed through on disciplining me for something he felt was disrespectful. I said that he thought I hadn't acted respectfully, even though I didn't, but then never followed through with any discipline, he just walked away.

He said to me you felt abandoned didn't you? I said that was the exact word I used when I talked about it. I was surprised how well he understood. Then he went on to tell me about one of the disciplines he would use. A low bath would be drawn and the sub would be on her knees, arms behind her, head down. The D would take her hair and push her down into the water, bringing her up to talk to her and explain why she was being disciplined. He said the sub would be begging for forgiveness when it was done. I don't do his description justice. He asked me how I felt and I said that my whole body was paralyzed while you were telling me but at the end I could feel the love.

He asked me what I thought of being a slave, I said that I thought of a slave as being someone who opens the door for their master, puts on his coat, cooks, cleans and does everything (mind you this is my perception). He described it as being someone who belongs to a master, collared, loved and cherished. The master would open the door, help with the coat, order the food, etc just the way I believe a woman should be treated. The way he described it was much better than my perceptions and I said that I would be open to that description. I told him that I do want to be collared and belong to someone who I can lean on and turn to for guidance & strength, yet still retain myself as a strong woman for business and being a mother.

We talked about aftercare (always one of my questions) and he described it exactly the way I would want it, maybe even better. I found him to be funny, commanding, vanilla and kinky plus he's looking for the same things I am....but he lives 4 hours away. Not terribly far but enough of a distance that it is a thought in the back of my mind.

No expectations but I haven't clicked with someone in a while on the level that we did today, it was nice surprise to the beginning of the summer of me.


He told me that I had taken my whipping well (yes apparently I was whipped the other day and forgot about it) and that it was a wonderful sight for him to watch my body as he made me cum over and over. He told me next time he would be making love to me, gently taking me.

Those words sent a warm feeling over me. He had asked me once did I like it rough or soft and slow...I asked if I had to choose, I like both. It doesn't matter how its done, its the fact that he is in control, taking me where he wants me to go. Pushing my body to new highs.

He also said that I was allowed to cum if I needed to, I didn't yesterday. But this morning after my little bird flew the nest, I came home to shower and was so hungry to let him know I appreciated his gift. I emailed him:

I felt free this morning, more so than I have in long time.
Afterwards I thought of you and your gift of letting me cum.
In the shower I thought of what you said...you took your whipping well and it was wonderful to watch your body as it orgasmed. I thought of how you had pushed me up against the door, holding my hands up, how you had taken me over the bathroom counter - I thought of you and I came.
Thank you Sir
He wrote back:
I'm glad that I can help free your mind and help you release.  You may cum as much as you want today.
 What to do, What to do :)

Details, Details

Something I was reading today made me remember the first time I met him. The light-headed feeling I got when he touched me, asking him to trust him as his hand ran up my leg. Maybe it was yesterday's games that made me think of it today as I was sitting having tea at my favorite cafe.

I have been thinking about what I would write, trying to remember the details of what happened. All I could come up with are impressions. He told me I went to that place and it seems to make it more difficult for me to remember details. He was running late that morning, later I found out he had stopped at the store for a couple of last minute items. I was told to close my eyes as he moved around me. Ear plugs were put in my ears, something was tied around my head to cover my eyes. From there I don't know what happened but I do remember being pressed up against the door at some point. My hands held above my head, his fingers touching my wetness, him dragging his finger nails down my back - over and over. His hand coming down on my ass and instead of pushing back against the door I stuck it out further for him to do again.

At some point I was placed on my stomach on the bed, my arms secured behind me to each of my legs. I know my hair was pulled a couple of times, but it wasn't the kind I like...he had caught it on the side where it hurts. I remember he made me cum two times with his hand and then multiple times with the wand. When he uses that wand it starts off feeling good, then you wonder if you can cum anymore and then you get to a point where you just want more, greedy is the best word to describe it, that feeling of just letting it happen over and over is like floating.

The bonds were untied and he was beside me, growling at me to place my arms around him. I guess I wasn't cooperating when he tried to hold me, you have to love the irony. Afterwards he let me suck his cock until he came. Somewhere in there ice was put into play and there is more to the story but I can't fill in the blanks because I don't remember the details. All that's important is that it felt good and he told me I had that cat that ate the canary grin on my face, which he loves.

Neo Dom Tom was partially right, the anticipation was almost as good as the act itself and K it was awfully evil of him to not let me go to that place, but it certainly kept me on my toes all day and through the night.

Think about it

I was given the task of thinking about



tying my wrists to ankles


him taking what he wants

until we meet tomorrow...but I am not allowed to go to that place until tomorrow. That place he says I go when I start to think about what he's going to do, now how do I do that?

So all day long I have been feeling warm, flushed, excited and wet all at the same time...all while trying to stay in the present. It's tough job but somebodys got to do it.

Summer Empty Nest

I didn't think I would be experiencing empty nest for another year. My son (almost 17) is leaving this weekend and won't be returning until the middle of August. He is a musician and will be traveling with a Drum Corp International Marching Band this summer. He is a talented musician and this is a wonderful opportunity for him to travel to over 20 different states to compete with other DCI bands. I am extremely proud and happy for him...but I will miss him tremendously. This is the first time he has been away from home for such a long period of time - correction this is the first time my baby boy has been away from me for such a long time and I am feeling a little like an empty nester.  

All this week we have been shopping, labeling everything and packing. I have known about this for a while but it didn't really register until last week. I am a combination of happy, proud and sad - he tells me don't worry Mom we have I-Phone Facetime so it will be just like I'm there. I can remember when I was his age going away for the summer to sleep away camps in Minnesota, North Carolina, Canada and even traveling to Spain for several summers. So I understand logically that this will be great for him but it doesn't mean I won't miss having him around. Oh well I still have one more year of him around until he goes off to a music conservatory far away.

My girlfriend is jealous, she says she wishes that her kids would go away for the summer. My friends have already started making plans for movies, spa day, dinners, etc. so I am sure that the summer will breeze right by and maybe I will put my ad back up and see if I can meet someone special...we'll see. This could be the summer of me - I like it!!

Break through

There is something I haven't mentioned ...I have had a hard time having an orgasm (in person) with someone I don't love.  It doesn't mean it doesn't feel good when I am with them and having an orgasm is not the end all be all for me. I know its me because I've had the same issue with others. They can direct me through an orgasm by my hand but when we are together it just doesn't happen.

Now remember he and I only see each other about once a week, once a week to figure out how our bodies react and I do have feelings for him, just not love. Sometimes when we are together, he gets me so ramped up that I feel like I'm in overdrive and can't orgasm, but because he does make me feel so good I don't want it to stop.

Being the over thinker that I am, I decided that I could figure out a solution to this problem. After all I owed it to myself and him. So I started masturbating exercises (no laughing please) where I only used him as my fantasy. I imagined him making me cum. My thinking was that if I could convince my mind into thinking he was making me cum that I could transfer that good feeling over to our real life activities.

It worked, yesterday he came over and within 5 minutes of being there he used his hand to make me cum. Just as he had described to me. He had me kneel on the bed with him behind me. His hand from behind while his other hand held me from falling forward (while grabbing my breasts at the same time). He gently rubbed me but the motion was consistent and I was more relaxed. After I came I got dizzy and almost fell forward, he demanded my hands go up and around his neck to hold on while he kept playing. Eventually he pushed me forward so that I was still on my knees with my ass towards him and he brought out the Hitachi.

He said I grabbed the sheets and didn't let go. I don't know how many times I came, it was like an out of body experience. I knew it was happening but I didn't know what was happening or how long it was happening. He just kept going over and over. He had me beg and beg for more and when I thought about today, I was such a slut just wanting more. He told me later some of the things I said when he asked me questions but I didn't remember saying any of it.

After he took it away, he told me that I begged him to fuck me, which he graciously did. Afterwards he held me and brought me back. Then he let me suck his cock, he said because he knew I wanted to. He does have a nice cock, very large and very suckable.

Anyway he left me that night and I couldn't do a darn thing. I felt like I was in a fog cloud and even when I had to go the grocery store for milk I was sure everybody could tell what I had done.

Late night rambling

"Don't worry about disappointing me. Stop trying to figure everything out, just feel it."

These are the words I heard from him. Sometimes I get so caught up in saying the right thing to him that I over think the situation and he knows it. He is always questioning me and I worry that what I say is not what he wants to hear. I worry that I sound silly saying what he wants me to say. I worry that my reaction is not what he wants.

I know sometimes I fight against him but he always brings me back where he wants me, my god how does he have the patience. I wonder why I make him do that. Does it mean more to me when he doesn't let me get away with anything, does it show me that he cares and words he is saying are more than words?

Everything we have done has been rough for the most part. Tonight he told me he wants to slowly and sensually take me, using only his voice as bondage, feeling his strong presence from behind. The thought of that takes me to another place and makes me wonder if it is possible to submit deeper than I am now, are there levels of submission?

Its been almost a month and he hasn't done anything to let me down, he has kept his promise. Still I struggle with letting go of my worries because I am afraid. I can feel myself going deeper in a different way than I have with anyone else. He definitely gets to my core, even though there will always be a piece he never gets from me because I know this is not permanent,  he is getting more than I ever thought I would be able to give.

More than a relationship

DV wrote a lovely posting which caused me to stop and reflect. Mostly reflect on what I have and what I want.

Right now I am in a relationship that offers me a level of caring that shows I am important, but it doesn't offer the level I want. The relationship I am in is not about money or material things its about having someone who understands my need to be controlled and the positive effects it has on my everyday well being. He makes me feel special by keeping touch with me throughout the day and we see each other once a week for that physical need of being touched. 

Yes I could survive without him but why should I, when he makes me feel better about myself, makes me feel confident, sexy, desired and his strength has helped me through a tough breakup.

Does he complete me, fullfill me...not in the way I am looking for in a relationship. Do we fit together like halves of a whole, no, but we do fit together for what we are looking for right now. We have been back together for almost a month now and I know it won't last forever but it is what we both need right now.

I am looking for that someone who completes me, someone who I can't hide from, someone who fights for a relationship and realizes that it takes work because not everything is perfect. I want to feel a level of safety & honesty that goes along with it and knowing that person will be there to hold on to at the end of the day. Someone who appreciates everything I have to offer and vice versa. Someone I can look to for strength, respect and love...I want more than a relationship, I want a partnership with the vanilla & kink wrapped so tight, you don't know where one stops and the next begins.

Breathe Bloggerspots back

Bloggerspot went into a read only mode for some maintenance issues yesterday and it lasted till today. So like any good addict I kept checking back every few hours to see if I could get back on. During day two histoy and I even contemplated finding those BS Geeks and...well let's just say bail money was involved. So now BS is back and I am calm and content.

We now return you to your regular programming.

This is the message I got while I was at work today….I may want to see you today. I need you to worship me ASAP.

Now this was a surprise because we had planned to get together tomorrow morning. But my first thought was he would come to my shop (because he has threatened to do that and there is privacy) and I would be on my knees in front of him – yes that’s where my mind goes. He had talked this morning about buying some new nipple clamps (I read lils review of her devices of torture so it reinforced my thoughts) and some softer hand cuffs.
From there the messages flew back and forth as arrangements were made to please him. I arrived home and did a quick primping. Put on a skimpy outfit, including black paten leather heels and laid out the items requested. I draped myself across the bed to wait for him to arrive. He showed up in his business attire and immediately took off his tie to use as a blindfold. My hands were cuffed and the skimpy outfit was pushed aside so they he could use me for his pleasure. He commented on how wet his slut was.

My nipples were pinched and covered with ice, then sucked on with his mouth. I was tortured with him almost bringing me to orgasm many times. I remember my legs in the air being held up by his strong hands as his other hand explored my body. When I finally was allowed to cum it was like a sense of calm. He undid my restraints and held me close. After I had come back, as he had me in his arms, he began pinching my nipple. Oh my god it felt so good, the pain and the pleasure combined with him holding me against his chest. I couldn’t move, only feel, it was like heaven. His hand guided mine to his hard cock. He told me I could take it and with that slipped between his legs for his pleasure.

My nipples are still sore, in a very good way. Like every time they brush against something it makes me remember. That feeling will carry me through the whole weekend.

Where I'm supposed to be

After a weekend of work, getting me son packed up for a weekend away, spending the day with my mother, mothers day, unpacking my son, dealing with my daughter...needless to say I was in no way shape or form in a submissive mood when Monday rolled around. Not to mention Monday was busy also.

I hadn't spoken to him all weekend so he didn't know how I was feeling. We exchanged a few messages and later in the day we spoke on the phone and I knew I wasn't responding the way I should have. Left to my own devices without him I had built back up my wall and I was being a brat. Later he told me he had something for me to do. He wanted me to really think about the answer and give a detailed  response. I was to email him tonight the following. What makes your body ache with passion What is the fantasy you most want to fulfill. What really arouses you to the point of loosing it.

Well still being in the state of mind I was in, I groused at these questions. Even thought about not answering them until the next day. So I did a couple of things and I couldn't get the questions out of my mind (because that's how he works). Being the brat that I was, I decided to answer his questions with total honesty.

"Reading BDSM novels makes my body ache with passion.
There is nothing specific that arouses me so that I lose it. The thing that arouses me is when a man knows my body so well that he can read me and know even before I do what turns me on, how to hold back and how to move forward.
The only fantasy I have is to find someone permanent that possess all the qualities I am looking for, someone I can connect with mentally and physically.

Not the answers I am sure you are looking for, but they are honest." 
He wrote back these are fine, I wanted the truth. Which was followed up by a phone call telling me not to try to figure out what answers he was looking for or why he was asking, that I was to only tell the truth. He had broken through my defenses and he told me later that he loved pushing my body to the point where you can't think and submit to your body. The look on your face as you go into overload is beautiful as you let yourself cum over and over until I decide to stop.

So when he called this morning and had me on the bed cumming as he spoke to me, I knew he had gotten me back to where I was supposed to be.

Breakfast & Lunch

This morning as I was sitting in the bathroom blowing my hair dry. I was wearing only a little black skirt and no top. Totally engrossed in what I was doing (drying the underside of my hair) when all of a sudden he was there grabbing me (and scaring me so much that I screamed). I was pulled up from the stool and pushed against the bathroom counter. Bent forward with my ass sticking out, he pushed my legs apart. Pulling my hair and spanking me at the same time. His hand slipped around to fondle my nipple roughly. He whispered in my ear...What do you want, slut? I want you to fuck me Sir.

I was pushed down against the counter, my face against the mirror and my hands to the side, where there was nothing to grab on to but a bottle of perfume. As he held me down, his hand smacked me a few times and then he slipped his fingers into my pussy. I groaned with delight as he began to finger fuck me. Then when I didn't think it was possible to be pushed further down he did so that my ass was up high so he could fuck me. I caught a glimpse of him behind me in the mirror and I could feel myself getting wetter. After he was done fucking me, he turned around and leaned against the counter. I couldn't resist touching his chest and arms, he works out a lot. He told me I could take any reward I wanted. So I slid down to my knees and took him in my mouth, tasting his hard cock. I stroked his muscular legs and I reached through his legs to his ass. I slid my hands underneath and stroked his balls and ass until he came in my mouth.

Then for lunch I had a date with a vanilla guy. At the end of the date I could tell he wanted to kiss me (you know that look) but he didn't. I know he was being respectful but I would have rather he just reached out and taken a chance. But no, instead he said he wanted to see me again and we were done. The whole lunch was boring, but I went because its been a while since I was out with a vanilla and I needed to remind myself what I was missing....which was nothing. Now how am I going to get out of the next date?

Retro Relationships

First to all of my supporters: DauntlessVitatality, little monkey, Neo Dom Tom, Alice, Histoy, William, Deb, Clive, Aisha, K and the others who passed along their good thoughts. I wouldn't have had the courage to say what I wanted if it weren't for all of your encouragement. I love having this other community family to share with, so thank you.

I was reading A Master's Viewpoint of the BDSM World  posting about the 50's style relationship. He writes about how "A true submissive is one of the strongest people that you will meet. She is one who knows exactly what is wanted and is willing to go get it....I can assure you that it takes just as much strength to serve as it does to control."

Even before I began this journey, I always believed that there could only be one person in charge of a relationship and not just in the bedroom.  In all of my vanilla relationships this was something that I craved but could never quite find, which one of the reasons I ended up starting to look beyond vanilla. I have always been a supporter of the Surrendered Wife (a similar concept of the 50's style, maybe a little more religious based). This book is about changing who I was, not trying to change the man. I recommended it to friends and it even helped save a marriage in trouble. 

What I discovered in vanilla was that there weren't too many men willing to step up and take control even after it was offered. Similar to the men who didn't understand that I wanted to be controlled in the bedroom. I remember sharing with a man I was seeing what I liked, he freaked out and dumped me, telling me that I wasn't the kind of women he could see himself in a relationship with. That same guy tried to get me back 2 months later, I guess all of a sudden it was ok.

My friends and I talk about how high the divorce rate is right now and what is the answer, is marriage obsolete, are women to strong, are men too weak...all questions that make you wonder if a 50's style shouldn't be something more should take a second look at.

There is no point to this post, other than to say it was nice that someone recognized that wanting a 50's style relationship and being submissive does not make you a weak person.

Night & Day

He has that D's ability to know when something is bothering me, so when he started questioning me about us getting together today I felt like he was trying to get me to say what I wanted. I had been thinking about what DV, Clive, Draugluin, William and Florida Dom had all said (thank you gentlemen), plus I read up on aftercare to make sure my expectations were in line. All of this gave me the courage to speak up and let him know what I required. I guess I was afraid to tell him because I knew it was something he didn't do and after all who am I to tell him what to do. He waited patiently for me to articulate what I wanted.

After I finally got the words out telling him I needed more than he was giving, he said he wasn't a cuddle kind of guy. I told him that I needed to be touched and reassured afterwards. He said that all I had to do was tell him and he would take care of me. I was happy that he was so receptive but I was also more - I don't want to say aroused but I felt like I was now just a wire strung very tightly, anticipating what was to come today. That I had been stripped down and there was absolutely no excuse to hold back.

Text messages came while I was waiting making sure I would be ready for him. He had me lay out some items so that I could look at them while I was preparing myself for him. Showering, scenting and deciding what to wear, which is the funniest thing of all - what do you wear to take off and why do I agonize over it. He called when he was on his way, telling me to unlock the door, lay on the bed and start masturbating. I was wearing a small black lace skirt, black camisole top and my black zip up heels.

On the bed, next to the items I began to touch myself. Already wet and ready I began, before to long I heard the door but didn't look. I was immediately blind folded and handcuffed as he began to play with my body. I took everything he asked, giving him my complete trust and when we were done he pulled me into him. Holding me, stroking me and I could feel it was genuine. At first I could feel he wasn't sure but then he pulled me closer and I could feel him relax against me and we talked.

The difference from our other encounters was like night and day. When he left he said this is all new for me but if you need it then I will do it for you. I felt like I was wrapped in a blanket of warmth.

Piece of the puzzle

Like planting a seed in my mind, he asks me questions that make me think until I am consumed to find an answer.

What makes me want to please him?

Its that voice...commanding, lulling, moving. I feel tethered to him on some secret level, his voice draws me to him. Not understanding why I want to immediately obey whatever he asks, almost desperately wanting to please.

He's told me I'm his slut to do with as he pleases. He tells me that he is going to take my submission deeper than before (how is that possible). Both excite me and scare me.

What would take me over the edge?

I haven't totally given myself to him. A part of me still holds back because I haven't gotten that one piece of the puzzle from him yet, that I need to be complete. That one piece that would put me over the edge, but it doesn't come naturally to him. I remember when we were together before I never saw it, I imagine it was because he thought I would become too attached. Now its the one thing that keeps me from completely giving myself over, aftercare is that piece.

When we are done with a scene he isn't capable of giving me proper aftercare and it breaks the connection I feel. I know it's coming so I am always prepared to pull back never quite letting go all the way.  It's his commanding voice and strong hands that keep me coming back for more but its that missing piece that made it easier to leave before and that same piece will always keep me from going all the way down to total submission.