Reminder

First, thank you for the comments on my postings. I always read them but sometimes I am neglectful to comment again. Some of them are profound, heartfelt and some just make me laugh, I enjoy them all.

So after I posted this morning, delirious from lack of consistent sleep because my mind just wouldn't shut down. I think if I had just gotten up at 3am and wrote I would have been better off, at least those thoughts would have been out of my head. That is what this blog is for, a way to express myself and understand what I am feeling (and making kitten for sir wet, lol). So after, I received an email from my friend (histoy on the not so empty collar), ever so gently (like a tornado) reminding me what he gets out of this. I loved what she wrote and wanted to share some of it.

"If you think, I mean truly think about that.... this is what he gets...

A submissive woman handing over total control of all that she is, throwing away her self control, her humility, handing all she is inside over into his hands, whether it is for the moment or for a lifetime makes no difference, he is right then and right there in complete possession of another human being.  It is difficult to grasp the power of control from our perspective because it is something we do not desire, but for one who dreams of power and control, it is just that ... his dream realized!  Your submission is truly a gift, and you are giving him that gift to do with as he wishes, never underestimate the power of that!  There are many women who use this lifestyle as a way to "capture" a man, professing submission, but when called upon, there are so many limits handed out, it is barely more than a nilla  relationship in context.  Finding someone who makes us feel beautiful and wanted inside, works on both sides of the coin in this lifestyle.  Its the ever so important chemistry thing!"

It is a difficult concept for me to grasp for me because it is something I don't want to have. As a single parent of 11 yrs, I can tell you being in control makes me tired and I am no good at it. Of course I have raised my children and they have turned out alright, but I have had the support of my family and friends. I never would have been able to do it without them. The burden of having to do it all is emotionally overwhelming and has taken me down on more than one occasion. Now that I have done my job (I know its never completely finished) and they are turning into young adults I want to have a man in my life to take care of me. I am not talking in the financial sense, I am talking in the mental/emotional & physical sense. Knowing that there is hope to find someone is what keeps me on the path of my journey.
PS
Here is the culprit - Jeffrey, don't let his innocent appearance fool you, he is a bad kitty.

Take a peek

I didn't sleep well last night, I couldn't settle down. So this posting is just a peek inside my brain, high on submission and very little sleep.

Sometimes I feel like this is all one sided because I get so much out of being with him. I am aroused when ever I think of him, talk to him and especially when we are together. I could listen to him talk for hours about whatever because he has done so much in his life and is highly intelligent. He brings me such pleasure in bed, makes me feel so beautiful and cared for. I feel like I benefit from him yet I am not sure what I give to him. I don't understand the mind of a dominant man. I have read other D blogs and try to wrap my head around it but I just don't get it.

I do recognize that he has that mind that just doesn't shut down. Since I was a young girl working in my fathers office all the way to my many years as an executive assistant, I have learned to recognize certain traits of men of power (in the form of intelligence). Their minds are always moving, always thinking. These are the men who work long hours and then go home and work some more. "P" told me that because of his business he has the ability to work 16 hrs a day, eat when he's hungry and sleep when he's tired, which may not be until 4 am because he's been up all night working. These types of men seem to need to have a woman who is ready when they are, available to them when they want it which may explain why they sometimes look for comfort elsewhere. I think about submissionandmetaphor writing about how "Sometimes, you have to make a special effort to provide the kind of service that a hard-working businessman requires. Sometimes, you have to perform tasks for which most secretarial schools do not provide training."

"P" told me last night that he is comfortable with me and I agree with him. Everytime it gets a little easier, I understand a little more. The one thing about being in this type of situtation, it makes you very sensitive to the other persons emotions. Last night he was restless, his mind was going and I could feel it.

Dinner was great, he picked out the restaurant and the food was delicious. Best of all I didn't have to worry about it, he took care of everything. We came back and he met my daughter and her boyfriend, when they stopped by. The ideal situation would have been that my daughter was on her best behavior but after being a parent for 20 years I've learned it never works the way you want it to. She was upset because I had picked up something at the store but it was wrong, anyway she did the best she could at that moment and it was a total surprise situation and she doesn't like surprises. She was cordial with him and grumpy with me.

After they left he ravished me, touching me everywhere and increasing the pain factor one notch from the previous time. When he wasn't bringing me to orgasm he was running his fingers over my body lightly, he said I looked so peaceful lying there. He has unbelievable control over himself and over me. We made it to the door again but then ended up back in the same place. This time I laughed when he had his hanky but he laughed when the cat jumped up on top of my head right in the middle of...well you know. He said that would be an image that would be hard to forget.

There must be something that he is getting from us being together, because he told me not to make any plans this weekend, that I would be busy.

Good Girl

I was told to call when I was ready to go to sleep. Slipping into bed naked I picked up the phone to say good night. I was told to pinch my nipple as hard I could and not let go. He asked me if I was wet, I blushed and said yes. "P" told me to slip my finger into my pussy to see how wet, very wet. Keep pinching and rubbing your pussy just the way I would do it and let me know when you are ready to cum. He told me he likes when I make a mess, that makes me blush even deeper. After he let me cum, I am told to keep my hands above the covers. Which makes me giggle because I had never taken my hands away and I was still touching myself, but before I could even think I quickly move them away (before he sees through the phone). "P" tells me that I am to have sweet dreams and when I wake up I am to text him first, to let him know I am thinking of him.

Afterwards I fell into a heavy sleep, the sleep of feeling safe and content. When I woke up I sent my text and received a "Good Morning, Good Girl. Hope you slept well, looking forward to seeing you later, mmm P".  Now I am back to being in that constant state of arousal I was in yesterday.

Enjoying the moment...

Flashbacks

Today was a normal work day for me, seeing clients & taking care of personal errands. The only difference was throughout the day I had flash backs of the night before. Remembering small details of a touch or a feeling. The way he grabbed my hair and looked into my eyes. My neck still tender from his mouth, the throbbing of my clit needing to be touched again soon before I burst. Each detail I remembered triggered an electric current that went through my body to my pussy or nipples. I walked through the day feeling foggy all day, functioning but my body and mind still belonged to him.

Texting & talking with him during the day only heightened the feeling. "P" asking me how my day was and then telling me he liked the way I responded to him, made my pussy throb. I am left conflicted between wanting a release of the throbbing or keeping that floating feeling until I see him again.

My mind wanders to how it might be with restraints and pain from him. Although last night once he took my hand and led me into the bedroom, I became so submissive I didn't even recognize myself. No restraints were needed because when he told me to get on my knees or on the bed I wouldn't have moved from position without him telling me. The feeling of having someone who understands what I need makes me content in my life. Then  sometimes my mind wonders if it is possible to be too submissive? Even though it something I need I worry that maybe that I am supposed to do more than just take orders...always in the back of my mind but definately a topic for another time.

Tomorrow we are going to dinner again, he told me this time he would choose the restaurant (taking away that stress makes me so happy I could purr).

Dessert

I was nervous at dinner and because he lives further away I had to pick the place and I hate that. On top of that because I knew we would be back at my house later, it was all I could think about. I remember that I didn't have much to say, I must have been a terrible companion and every time he touched me it made it worse. I remember thinking if he had reached down my shirt in the restaurant I would not have minded at bit, I just wanted him to touch me. After pulling up in front of the house he began to kiss me and we stayed in the car for a little while, I wasn't sure at what point to invite him in (I felt very awkward, it was laughable). Once we were inside he guided me or at least it seemed like it to he bedroom and I felt more relaxed (because I didn't feel like I was in control anymore).

He began kissing me and touching me through my clothes, pushing me to my knees (a place I love) in front of him. This is where things become more of an impression more than anything. I remember he told me to get on the bed, still in my clothes. He touched me everywhere, talking to me, telling me how beautiful I was. I don't remember how but my bra was unhooked, my skirt came off and eventually my lace panties. I remember it felt like his hands were everywhere touching me, like he was exploring my body. He teased me at times, not enough pressure to let me orgasm but enough to build me up. I remember some light tapping almost like he was seeing if a small amount of pain was good but never went further than that. He also did something to my nipples, a very small amount of brief pain but again never going any further.

What I do remember are the orgasms, I was a little out of it but I am sure there were somewhere between 15 to 20. Not those little ones, it was those big crashing ones over and over. Waiting in between and letting it build up again, leaving me with no choice but to just take them again and again because my body was craving them. Now having an orgasm with someone who I am not in love with is extremely unusual for me so having so many is like having found gold. At one point he asked me if I wanted to see his cock and nodded yes greedily. He told me to go ahead and take it out, I had already felt how hard it was and I could tell it was a good size. I wasn't disappointed! Plus it tasted wonderful but he didn't allow me to spend enough time because he kept bringing me to orgasm and my attention kept getting lost.

Afterwards (and I never asked him or told him I needed this) he held me, calming me down and letting me come back. I could have easily curled up and fell asleep next to him. When we were done and I was walking to the door, we were kissing goodnight and I don't know what happened. He kissed me passionately and then pushed me to my knees, his cock was out and ready for my lips. I sucked on it but then he pulled me away and led me to the office chair. I sucked on it again and then I was told to show him my pussy. I leaned back and spread myself, touching my pussy and rubbing my nipple. Time went by and then somehow my shirt was lifted and he came on my breasts. Here is where the Gentleman Dom comes in, he pulls out a handkerchief from his back pocket and cleans me off (all I could do was giggle), he was so damn sexy at that momemnt.

He left after that and I fell asleep like a baby, the slut in me wanting more.

The Moment

I know what I am looking for, always have. Maybe I have veered off course a couple of times but I have always had one objective in mind - I want a long term relationship with a D so that I can be my true submissive self. There is more to it than that but that has always been the very basic explanation. Most times when I meet someone I like, I jump in quickly and think about the future and it never works out. I am always disappointed and the blame is mine.

Mine because I want it so bad that I never live in the moment. I enjoy the moment but I am always thinking of how it will be down the road. When I met "P" I told histoy that I was going to enjoy the moment and not think of down the road, she said that sounded like a good plan. I look to her for guidance because she has been searching and has finally found what she was looking for (have you seen the everyday collar she received - beautiful and I am so happy for her). So over the last few days I have been very careful not to think about anything past today. I am still enjoying everything we have together but only for today.

We are different people and even though I am extremely attracted to his mind and body, he has experienced many things and I have not. He travels a lot and I don't. He will be leaving for business for at least 3 weeks soon and I may never see him again. I may be an amusement while he's here, I don't know. But today I don't care.

We spoke on the phone several times yesterday and he called to say goodnight. While we were speaking he told me to keep my hands above the blanket, that it was a rule. He had know way of knowing that rules make me feel safe and taken care of. He had know way of knowing that I went to sleep last night with him on my mind knowing he had given me a rule to follow, heightening my awareness of not being able to touch myself even though the thought of his touch the previous night was still with me.

We met today for coffee, we talked of pain and past experiences. He told me he enjoys giving pain, but I couldn't tell how much. Afterwards he took my hand and walked me to my car, taking what he wanted before he left. When I am with him I forget there are people around us, even if we are just talking. His strong hands know just how to grab my hair the right way and let's just say...I think we both enjoy public displays of affection. As he said if there were video cameras somebody was enjoying themselves and who ever else walked by us.

Tonight we are going to dinner. I don't know what tomorrow will hold because I am choosing to live in the moment and enjoy what's in front of me.

Gentleman Dom

I didn't have high hopes for this weekend. I had been talking to a couple of guys and for one reason or another it just didn't work out. So when I found myself out tonight I was quite surprised and if you drove by Starbucks, yes that was me getting fingered in the parking lot - with the car door open.

Let me start from the beginning, 3 days ago I started communicating with "P". A British business man who lives about 45 minutes away and has been living here for about 18 months. He travels all over the world for business but one of his home bases is here, lucky for me. He was a gentleman from the beginning, loved my picture and really wanted to get together for coffee or a meal, which ever I felt more comfortable with. So we spoke on the phone and the conversation was awkward. I felt like he was a flake and that he saw me more as a curiosity as a submissive woman, also that he didn't seem very dominant. I knew he would be calling me this afternoon to make plans and I had already decided to cancel. When the call came in, I took a deep breath and told him that I just didn't feel the chemistry. Not to long after the blow off, he text me to asked if I would reconsider. I thought about what to say and decided just to go with the truth.

Yes that's right I wrote back and told him exactly what I thought (except the flake part, that would have been rude). He wrote back again and said that he was totally dominant and that he didn't make it obvious because it usually scares people off. Then he said don't miss out on what could be a really great opportunity. The part he wrote about scaring people off, well I knew exactly what that felt like. Like the time I came out to a man I was seeing and he dumped me immediately, so I could relate to what he said. So I gave in and we made a date to meet a Starbucks. We arrived at the same time, he looked exactly like his picture and he had a great smile. He bought me a chi-latte and we talked, it was hard to get a read on him in the beginning but when he insisted on taking me to dinner I felt better about him.

We had a lovely dinner at Bonefish Grill and just talked about everything. It was very refreshing to sit down with a man and not have to go through a list of what I like and don't like, what I will and won't do. After dinner we were in my car steaming up the windows, that should have been my first clue. We made out like teenagers, kissing and groping each other, the only touching went on over jeans, but my breast did make an appearance. He asked me if I wanted him to touch me and I said no, because if you ask I will always say no (in the begininng). After we were done (dripping in sweat) I went to start the car and nothing! It wouldn't start, the battery had died. So I called roadside service and I told him he didn't have to wait with me but he stayed until my car was going again.

While we were waiting he started with the making out again, only this time my door was open. He pulled my hair, sucked on my neck, took my nipple in his mouth and the man could kiss. But this time he didn't ask he just unzipped my pants and put his hand down my pants. My pussy was absolutely dripping and his finger slid right down and in. OMG I can still feel his finger, it felt so freaking good - the man has skills. Well as I was enjoying having his finger inside me, with all to see if you went by my car, the phone rang - it was the tow truck driver. "P" went and flagged him down, made sure I was all set and he tipped the guy. I have to say he is a real gentleman, of the best kind and even called to make sure I arrived home safely.

I am so glad he pushed back when I said no to our date and I'm glad he pushed back when I said no to having his hand where I wanted it all along. If there is such a thing as gentleman dom, he would be it.

Sneaky D

The first couple of times he wrote me and offered to be my friend, guide me. I thanked him and declined, the only reason I am on there is to meet D's for a specific reason. The emails didn't stop and he signed them all "huggs", all I could say was who does that, it seemed very effeminate. I answered back with short answers and he kept writing, everyday.

At this point I should mention that I am a little grumpy today. So when the daily morning email came, I got annoyed and suspicious. So I put on my D panties (the lacy red ones) and asked him very bluntly "what do you want from me?" He said he would leave me alone if I wanted, that he was only being friendly. 

The one thing he did have going for him is that he writes well and the tone of the email calmed me down, realizing he was being gracious and I was being...well not friendly. So I said ok if it is friendship you want then tell me about yourself. We exchanged emails throughout the day and by the afternoon he had me telling him what I like and don't like. He praised me, encouraged me and made me wet. I am sitting there feeling that he had stripped me down and I was naked at work. It was kind of sneaky the way he did it and I didn't even realize it was happening until I was sitting at work gushing.

I don't anticipate ever meeting him, today was just a diversion... a little online fun had by all.

My first

I can remember my firsts. The first boyfriend I had as a child, Paul. He hit me over the head with a hammer when we were about 4 yrs old. My first crush was my middle school teacher Mr. H, told us he was a cousin to a member of a famous band at the time. My first love at first sight was at a neighbors christening, right in the church I had attended since I was a child. We couldn't stop starring at each other and ended up kissing later at the party. My  first sexual experience was with what I would call a douche today but in high school he was the bomb. He took my virginity at my friends house, then moved on to his next conquest. The whole thing hurt and made me wonder what all the fuss was about. I am glad things changed otherwise I might have become a nun.

My first D was a man I met not to long after I had begun this journey. I wrote about it last year, he had answered my ad, he wrote a couple of emails to entice me and then made me call him right away . As soon as we spoke on the phone I knew he was different, but I also knew something was amiss and I was right. Married, I found out after we met, but by that time it was too late. I was so attracted to him, his dominance was so evident and intoxicating. I felt like I was drunk when I was with him or even spoke to him and that was all before he even touched me.

The first time I broke it off with him was because of a misunderstanding. After that I met someone else and didn't speak with him for several months. After my relationship dissolved he turned back up, trying to contact me but I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him. I knew that if I even took one of his phone calls there would be no turning back. He sent me a long heartfelt letter that came at a time when I was very vulnerable and that led to me taking his calls. We started seeing each other again and he helped me when I needed someone. I then let him go again when I thought I had met someone who I needed to find out if was the one for me. We all know how that ended.

As soon as he found out that things had gone south he contacted me to find out if I was alright. I assured him I was and I tried to ignore his advances. The one thing about him is he is very persistent but I knew that if I talked to him he would be back in my life again. Well Friday I took his call, in my mind I was going to be strong and keep things at a distance. Here's the problem with that, he knows me to well. He reads my tone on the phone, knows when I'm smiling, knows that he has a way of getting inside my head. I tried to fight against it but of course I had already opened the door and he barged right in with his D ways. Telling me that he will be calling me this week and I will take the call. That he wants to see me even if its just for coffee.

He tells me that he misses having me in his life, that when I left he had been taken by surprise and that he needs me just as much as I need him. I have never had an delusions of him ever ending his marriage, it was never even something that I wanted. By the same token he has always known that I wanted more and when I found it, we would be over. In fact he encouraged me to look and even made sure I got home from my dates safe and sound or made me leave if I knew it wasn't the one for me. To some this may seem like a very bizarre relationship.

So we met today but something was different for me. There are a couple of reasons floating around in my head. I was stronger when I left him and I had a taste of what I actually wanted. I think the combination of those two things made my feelings different this time or it could have been the advice I received from my friend. Encouraging me not to go back to the band aid, that I needed to keep looking for what I wanted/needed. That it was out there, she found it and so would I. Maybe it was everything together.
He came to my shop and we went into the private room, away from my co-workers. We kissed, his hand grabbing a handful of my hair after placing my hand on his cock. He asked me if I this is what I fantasized about, I never answered and then he asked if this is what I wanted. I said yes and he undressed and layed down on the table. I remained fully clothed and leaning over him I took his cock in my mouth. Enjoying him again, sucking and licking until he came in my mouth. We talked for a little while and then I walked him out to his car after I returned his toys to him. He told me that the ball was in my court and I could decide what happens next. We kissed good-bye and he left.
After I walked back inside I knew that would be the last time we would be together. I was glad I decided to see him again because things did end abruptly before and I didn't want that to be the ending to our story. He holds a very special place in my heart because he was my first D my first Sir, the first man to Master me.

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day to all of the men who take care of somebody!!
Enjoy your day.

Still alive

My fellow blogger (histoy) just emailed me to find out if I was alive, since I hadn't posted in 5 days. Yes I am still here, laying low after my little fiasco a couple of weeks ago - licking my wounds so to speak. Wondering if I was going to stay hidden or start all over again. Well she told me I should un-hide my profile, so I did (she is my cheerleader) because after years of looking she seems to have found happiness which means there is hope to hold on to. I am so very happy for her, she deserves the best and I will beat him up if he hurts her.

So I un-hid my CM profile and I also decided to place another ad, because I usually get a good response and I was right. I have a couple of prospects that are promising, but not enough to mention by name yet. I am trying to be an adult and not just jump right in like I always do, I am showing restraint. LOL ok I'm trying.

I did get the usual nonsense responses that gave me a good laugh:

One guy, who has emailed me in the past but I didn't remember him immediately (he was really insulted that I forgot him), but after I saw his picture I remember why I turned him away because he was in his 30's and I prefer mature men. Well when I reminded politely declined again he wrote this to me (bad grammar and all) :

"stop with this young shit, why cant woman like your learn!!!  first you didn't send me a pic, and second you will love me.  what your looking for i can provide.  so you wil take a older man that is not doig what you want because he is older.  that i so stupid, and all these old guys are just using you.  its 2011 act like it honey.  send your pic over, and lets chat!" 
I don't think I need to make any comments, he said it all.

Another guy who I had actually met for coffee, had plans to go out with and he ended up canceling, sent me an email asking if we could give it another try. Because he still hadn't found anyone and obviously I hadn't either. Well that's as good as any other reason to go out with him again, NOT. I was polite and told him there must have been a reason it didn't work out before and I politely declined. He wrote back that I must have a crystal ball because he can't see into the future. I still don't know what that means??

Oh and then one guy wrote : "ME - SWM, 42, professional, athletic, well traveled, fun, funny, new to the area, Dom, 7"+ with girth & incredible stamina, and searching one fun sub who I can take out for drinks, dinner, etc, but then take home and do very naughty things with. Intrigued?"

My favorite has to be: "Send pic’s, Ill let you know. JACK" 

If nothing else I am always highly amused by some of the responses and oh the dick pictures, yes nothings says I want a relationship with you, like a picture of a man's dick.

So I am still alive and I am putting myself out there again to see what happens.


Easy

I have a friend whom I have known since middle school and we have stayed friends ever since. We haven't always lived in the same state but we've always kept in touch. Right now she lives about an hour away, so today we made plans to meet in the middle - Palm Beach (full of high society families). We met at an outdoor shopping area with restaurants and lots of people milling around, its one of our favorite spots. I should also mention when we left there she wanted to visit an Asian market which ended up being in a city that has the highest crime rate in the county, (as we were told by a Police Officer we stopped on the street to ask why there were so many cops around this area)  talk about expanding your horizons.

I decided to arrive an hour early to enjoy the peace of sitting outside and just relaxing with a good book. My books are now on my Kindle, which if you opened it you would see some very respectable novels by authors I enjoy - James Patterson, Carl Hiassen, Michael J. Fox, etc. but if you look further there is a file marked Butterfly. This is where I keep all the bdsm novels I get from Amazon. I used to have to order the books and wait for them to arrive, now I just hit a key and there they are ready to go and best of all nobody knows.

The ones I read are probably the equivalent of a Harlequin Romance, there is always romance but with a twist - of course. I am all wrapped up in Cherise Sinclair's Master of the Shadowlands, every time I finish one it seems there is another in the series, I can't get enough of them. Now I come by reading honestly, when I was younger I would ride my bike to the library and come home with 20 books at a time (some of them Harlequins - I guess thinking about it I started at young age). So here I am sitting at a cafe waiting for my friend, sipping some ice tea from Starbucks and reading my kindle. She arrives, we go in and order lunch and she's staring at me. I asked her what's wrong, she tells me that my pupils are dilated and it looks like I was a little high or drunk. Now of course she doesn't know about me, so I can't tell her what I was reading. At first I felt a little exposed and very quickly I said jokingly yes I smoked a little before we met. She laughed, forgetting all about it and I smiled at my secret.

So am I that easy to read or just easy....or a little of both, LOL.

Facinated

One of the things I love about writing this blog is seeing who is reading it. No I don't have your addresses and but I do get to see what city, state & country you are from. I am always fascinated by the different countries that show up. I recently read Sexual Dynamics: Memoirs of a Discerning Dom's Blog about geography and how he had readers in all 5 continents, that is pretty cool.

For me Canada is right behind the US with the most hits. The short foreign list for includes Hong Kong, Sweden, Germany, Ireland, Italy, Australia, UK, New Zealand, Denmark, Norway, Luxembourg, etc. and  when I get up in the morning I see others like Saudi Arabia, Brunei and other countries you wouldn't expect.
Then I look at the different states Nevada, Arizona, North Carolina, Washington, California, Kentucky, etc and out of all of the states Minnesota ranks #2 in the most hits.
But most of my hits come from right here in Florida. Orlando, Port St Lucie, Jacksonville, Delray Bch, Boca Raton, Fort Myers, etc. Which always makes me wonder a little...like have I ever seen this person? Did I ride up the elevator with them or pass them in the mall? Maybe we should have a secret signal followed by a secret hand shake.

Very recently I took a tip from Dominants Desire where talked about having a stalker  and how he used the Toolator to block that person. So I thought why not use on my ex.  He had already told me he didn't read my self absorbed blog anymore, yet every few days there he was. So I used this wonderful little tool and now when he logs on to my site he is re-routed to stalker.com. Hey, it makes me laugh just wondering what he thought the first time it happened.

Its fascinating to thing that this big world is smaller than we think.

Lesson

What I learned about myself...

I do not have the heart of a no-limit slave. When we first started he encompassed all the qualities I was looking for. Someone who would incorporate vanilla and kink, long term, caring and nurturing, funny. Someone who would push my limits, respect me, offer me safety and much more. After I let my guard down, because he just had this effect on me, I forgot about my rules and I started submitting to him. I am not going to lie it was wonderful, amazing even. I was so happy to have found a man that wanted the same things I did. He wanted long term, he had children (so he understood what that entails), he wanted a mix of vanilla & D/s, he was sadistic but willing to work with me, to ease me into his needs. I was all for it, very excited.

He told me his version of what he considered being a slave, it made sense, it was what I wanted only now it was being called a slave. Slowly he was drawing me in, telling little by little what he wanted. Then it became very clear that he wanted a no limit slave, I hesitated, even tried to tell him that I could not do it. He explained that he didn't want everything just the knowledge that I would do it, that I would have sex with a dog or eat his feces if he asked. He told me to think of the love that slave must feel for her Master to do that for him, its very powerful. He said right now I would have a voice but that down the road I may not.

I immediately pulled back because you can't draw the line down the road once you agree and he enjoyed making degrading comments here and there. So I went back a little more cautiously but still a little drunk with submitting. It was when he mentioned that he had given up a N--ger Slave for me, his life long dream and in the same night mentioned Nazi's & keeping me like Ann Frank (a reference to my German heritage). Warning bells went off in my brain and I knew I had to reevaluate my situation.

So after I spoke with a friend, she said tell him want to slow things down. So I did and he was confused and sarcastic about my change of heart. In the end we both agreed that things had changed between us and we couldn't move forward. The hardest part was the connection I felt with him, everything seemed to line up except I couldn't get past the degrading comments he kept making. That combined with the no limit slave just left a bad taste in my mouth.  

I am a submissive woman with limits, there are certain things I can not wrap my head around. I enjoyed the experience and definately learned something about myself, it left me feeling like I am the vanilla of the bdsm world....just a submissive woman.

Feet First

Histoy writes about the Thrill of the Ride and how your mind races at the thrill of the ride. That rush you get when you first meet someone hoping and praying that this is the one. The one who will make you feel complete and accept you the way you are.

That rush of submitting to someone you have feelings for is like no other. Sometimes you tread lightly, sometimes you rush in with your eyes closed, breaking all your own rules. Hoping and praying that this is the one. Not thinking about anything else but that joy of submitting and being dominated....what a high!

"Because we get drunk on our submission. We lose perspective. And some of us end up hypnotized into wanting something we really don't want."
Submission & metaphor

I got plastered and forgot who I was and what I wanted for myself and it felt good at the time but then reality hit hard. I needed to be true to who I was deep in my heart, a submissive woman.

Each time you fall down, you sit up, learning something new about yourself that you didn't know. Wondering if you should protect your heart better or take it slower next time, sometimes it all gets forgotten in the moment.

Instead you dust your wings off...no damage done and run right back in to the fire head first.

Would I do it again...in a heart beat
Will I open myself up...damn right
Did I learn something new about myself...absolutely

This is me...sitting up....a little dazed....but getting back up stronger, determined to try again and heading in feet first...with no regrets.

A wise woman once said...Patience is a virtue...so lets not dwell on this with hugs and well wishes, its all good in the hood.

Realize


Masters whore
Masters whore is lying in the middle of the bed, her legs in the air, a hand on his body and hand in his pussy. Master is standing beside her guiding her, pushing her to give him more. All she thinks about is pleasing her Master, trying to become a better slave. She knows she doesn't want to do anything to disappoint her Master, because she is nothing without him.


Now that she has found this great Man she would do anything to make him choose her to be his.

"Realize that you are part of something bigger. Something more than what you have now. Something you have always wanted but no man has been able to give you till now. This is the life you have chosen, the life you craved and the work is hard now but the rewards are endless. You are my confident, sexy, beautiful whore...you belong to me now."
Master C

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I have been having trouble writing and last night I realized that I have been so overwhelmed with Masters words that I don't know where his words start and mine end, I can't separate my thoughts from his words. I feel like a two year old that repeats everything back to their parent because they don't have words of their own. Then I thought why fight it, embrace it, use his words to help write what I am feeling. Why do the two have to be separate, isn't the goal to be more of what he wants, what he wants to bring out.

No man has asked this much of me and there has been no man I wanted to give it to until I met Master and he showed me. I will work hard to bring him happiness.

Consensual but not so sane or safe

Training began with Daddy from the first moment we talked. I haven't written about it because the overwhelming emotion I feel is too much for me to put into words. Concentrating on his words, focusing on his tasks is all I can take on right now. So I will write about other things. 

First, thank you to everyone who wrote well wishes through blog & email. Where else could I explain and be accepted, that I had met a man who lives 4 hrs away and I have agreed to be his slave. Yeah that would go over real well at the dinner table.

Kitten wrote in the comments on my last post: "always remember, Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC)."

Which led to me remember my moment of stupidity and not practicing SSC. I am sure I am not the only one who has ever done something that when it was over you said to yourself…what the F was I thinking?

When I first began this journey, I had led a life of quiet desperation searching for something. Always being the good girl, daughter, sister, mother and friend. So when I started speaking with men who were into the lifestyle (or so they thought), I felt like a kid in a candy store.

I remember I had met a man who was really nice, not uber dominant but enough for me to be attracted to him, (boy has my taste changed since then, he was a baby compared to Daddy). Anyway I agreed to meet him here in town at a hotel. He was a traveling salesman so he usually stayed in hotels.

He asked me to arrive wearing a dress, heels and when I got to his door (a man I had never met) I was to put on a blindfold and knock. He had been watching to many movies and he tried to recreate 9&1/2 Weeks with everything from the feeding me fruit (which was sour) and eating whip cream off of me. His ended up to the be the bad version of the movie but I did have some fun and it was an experience for a submissive virgin.

That was my what the F were you thinking moment...what was yours?