What I learned about myself...

I do not have the heart of a no-limit slave. When we first started he encompassed all the qualities I was looking for. Someone who would incorporate vanilla and kink, long term, caring and nurturing, funny. Someone who would push my limits, respect me, offer me safety and much more. After I let my guard down, because he just had this effect on me, I forgot about my rules and I started submitting to him. I am not going to lie it was wonderful, amazing even. I was so happy to have found a man that wanted the same things I did. He wanted long term, he had children (so he understood what that entails), he wanted a mix of vanilla & D/s, he was sadistic but willing to work with me, to ease me into his needs. I was all for it, very excited.

He told me his version of what he considered being a slave, it made sense, it was what I wanted only now it was being called a slave. Slowly he was drawing me in, telling little by little what he wanted. Then it became very clear that he wanted a no limit slave, I hesitated, even tried to tell him that I could not do it. He explained that he didn't want everything just the knowledge that I would do it, that I would have sex with a dog or eat his feces if he asked. He told me to think of the love that slave must feel for her Master to do that for him, its very powerful. He said right now I would have a voice but that down the road I may not.

I immediately pulled back because you can't draw the line down the road once you agree and he enjoyed making degrading comments here and there. So I went back a little more cautiously but still a little drunk with submitting. It was when he mentioned that he had given up a N--ger Slave for me, his life long dream and in the same night mentioned Nazi's & keeping me like Ann Frank (a reference to my German heritage). Warning bells went off in my brain and I knew I had to reevaluate my situation.

So after I spoke with a friend, she said tell him want to slow things down. So I did and he was confused and sarcastic about my change of heart. In the end we both agreed that things had changed between us and we couldn't move forward. The hardest part was the connection I felt with him, everything seemed to line up except I couldn't get past the degrading comments he kept making. That combined with the no limit slave just left a bad taste in my mouth.  

I am a submissive woman with limits, there are certain things I can not wrap my head around. I enjoyed the experience and definately learned something about myself, it left me feeling like I am the vanilla of the bdsm world....just a submissive woman.


  1. Very wise, SBF - to stick to your boundaries and have the courage to say enough is enough. You would have been crazy to do otherwise reading that! And lose that word 'just' you are unique

  2. You did the right thing. To Me there are several things that mark someone as a Dom and not a wannabe. One is respect. Not just for his submissive, but for everyone. His choice of words displays a lack of respect for you,the slave he mentioned, and other people. A second thing is that as a Dom you listen to the limits your sub has. She may be able to expand her limits with your help, but you were giving him hard limits and he was ignoring them to push his own agenda. The third thing is understanding as a Dom that you have the control, but you are NOT in charge. At any time a submissive can say sorry and take back the control she has given. A Dom does not take control. It is given. Fourth is a Dom doesnt pull this manipulative crap saying Just say you will do it. I wont ever really make you do it. My advice is to put as much distance between you and this person as possible.
    ( Oh and theres more things, just those three apply to this situation)

  3. *sighs* these four things.. not three

    had to edit

  4. Even more bothersome to me si the part about Anne Frank, Nazi's and that he had given up a n--ger slave for you. I think you only touched the surface of a somewhat disturbed mind that might have put you through an eventual Hell. And I wholeheartedly agree about the respect comments made by others.

    I, by the way, am a vanilla Dom of the BDSM world, and there are plenty of us out there. It doesn't bother me at all. I love this community and all its variety. TTWD is like religion--everyone has their own little world and everyone interprets it in a different way. Some people have no religion at all. In the sex world, that would be the truly bad thing to watch out for!

  5. Disturbing .. good call. I'm sorry you had to deal with it.

  6. smart move. you totally did the right thing. don't partners need to know that you will speak up if you are in danger of being pushed too hard? even if you never do - but that you would. trust is the basis for a good relationship. they need to trust you to do that...

    and i hope you're not referring to yourself as the vanilla of the bdsm world in a derogatory sense. we're all glad you're safe.

  7. NO I didn't mean it as a derogatory. I meant that after trying something new, I felt like I was more vanilla in the world of BDSM than I thought I was.

    Things I wrote about were the red flags that stuck out but there was a lot of good and the good was more than the bad. But I just couldn't get past those things I mentioned. He was a good man, just different than what I needed.

    Thanks for the comments left by all, its always nice to have a another opinion and get the chance to see things in a different light.

    Submissive Butterfly

  8. Butterfly! I never knew what bf stood for. I knew it couldn't be boyfriend, but that's as far as I got:)

  9. I will support all the previous comments. Backing up and changing direction was the best thing you could do. I will disagree with one thing...the chemistry. It may have been there on the front end, but that was only what you initially saw. I would venture to say that the chemistry wasn't there near as much once you started seeing more of the real person he is.

    Chemistry is a funny thing. The feelings we have can fool us sometimes. Was the chemistry there for him, or was it there for what you wanted him to be and initially saw in the dominance? I think it was the latter. You can only truly know when you really get to know all sides of someone, and that takes time.

    I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. But, I think you know this is one situation that you are better off without.


  10. 1. Same here K!
    2. looks like you made a very good decision. These experiences , however uncomfortable, will help you to home in on the right one in time. you know more about yourself now so you should chalk it up as a valuable learning experience.

  11. Sigh... I imagine I know how you feel, but only because I've been there in a variety of ways...

    We live and learn and if we're lucky, live to learn another day.



  12. oh i do not know how to comment, it's hard but seems to be a smart move. Best wishes to you SBF, hugs.

  13. Sighs why do they always get ahead of themselves and everyone else. Look we live what people would call no limits... which for the record actually translates better as we have the same limits. It took us a long time to get there. It has been, and probably always will be, a wonderful journey. It wasn't one of those things where He turned around and said (insert deeply disturbing thing here) and off we scampered.

  14. DV you were right about the chemistry, it was there in the begining. But everything that I wrote about literally happened all in one night and that's when I reached out for guidance from a friend. She told me to slow down and re-evaluate and the rest is hitory.

    MP I love what you said about it took a long time to get there. I got the accelerated journey and it scared the crap out of me. I might jump into things but eventually I stop and look around.

    Thanks for the wishes and comments, always appreciated.

  15. This story is one that should inspire and encourage others to not settle for less than what they desire.

    It should be noted that the D/s world is based on it being safe, sane and consensual - it did not appear that you had all three, so you made a decision not to settle and i am so proud that you made that decision!

    Every relationship, be it vanilla or D/s or a combination of both deserves to have respect, unless it's consensual that one likes to be disrespected (lol).

    The thing W/we all strive for is to find a 'Match' or at least as close a match as possible - no O/one is perfect and there will always be differences, as people are unique and have their own habits, etc. of course.

    One of the first things my Sir and i did was discuss O/our likes and dislikes to see if W/we were like-minded. Then W/we moved on to the checklist (lol) and found that W/we also felt the same way about most of that...not everything, but most and the coolest part is He is very respectful and mindful of the things kitten does not like *smiles*

    Some people might like eating feces, and what ever floats T/their boat is fine (no O/one should judge S/someone's likes), as long as it is consensual!

    It might feel like you are in the middle of a Winter, but Winter never fails to turn into Spring sweet submissive butterfly, so hang in there and flowers will bloom in your garden very soon!

    Wishing you well,

    --kitten for Sir