What I learned about myself...
I do not have the heart of a no-limit slave. When we first started he encompassed all the qualities I was looking for. Someone who would incorporate vanilla and kink, long term, caring and nurturing, funny. Someone who would push my limits, respect me, offer me safety and much more. After I let my guard down, because he just had this effect on me, I forgot about my rules and I started submitting to him. I am not going to lie it was wonderful, amazing even. I was so happy to have found a man that wanted the same things I did. He wanted long term, he had children (so he understood what that entails), he wanted a mix of vanilla & D/s, he was sadistic but willing to work with me, to ease me into his needs. I was all for it, very excited.
He told me his version of what he considered being a slave, it made sense, it was what I wanted only now it was being called a slave. Slowly he was drawing me in, telling little by little what he wanted. Then it became very clear that he wanted a no limit slave, I hesitated, even tried to tell him that I could not do it. He explained that he didn't want everything just the knowledge that I would do it, that I would have sex with a dog or eat his feces if he asked. He told me to think of the love that slave must feel for her Master to do that for him, its very powerful. He said right now I would have a voice but that down the road I may not.
I immediately pulled back because you can't draw the line down the road once you agree and he enjoyed making degrading comments here and there. So I went back a little more cautiously but still a little drunk with submitting. It was when he mentioned that he had given up a N--ger Slave for me, his life long dream and in the same night mentioned Nazi's & keeping me like Ann Frank (a reference to my German heritage). Warning bells went off in my brain and I knew I had to reevaluate my situation.
So after I spoke with a friend, she said tell him want to slow things down. So I did and he was confused and sarcastic about my change of heart. In the end we both agreed that things had changed between us and we couldn't move forward. The hardest part was the connection I felt with him, everything seemed to line up except I couldn't get past the degrading comments he kept making. That combined with the no limit slave just left a bad taste in my mouth.
I am a submissive woman with limits, there are certain things I can not wrap my head around. I enjoyed the experience and definately learned something about myself, it left me feeling like I am the vanilla of the bdsm world....just a submissive woman.