Leaving me to my thoughts

The questions he asked were uncomfortable like being on the therapists couch. The information I gave him I had never shared with just one person before. Bits and pieces yes but never everything. The questions made me think and reflect, made me squirm. I don't read anything into this other than he asks good questions.

I want to be able to shut my mind off. In the beginning I can give myself over to touch but never totally. My mind is always going especially with someone who is temporary or new because I always feel like I have to protect myself, take care of myself as I have always done. I am looking for that one who will make me feel safe and protected so that I can not only be responsive to his touch but also relax and clear my mind.
My other relationships/encounters allowed me to find out how I felt about submitting but I held onto a certain amount of control because I never felt safe enough to let go totally.

One told me that the reason he never collared me was because he was married. All it said to me was I wasn't important enough because one had nothing to do with the other. Knowing this I never totally let go and in the end the dynamics changed for me.

One made promises of strength and dominance but in the end was never able to follow through and keep them, all talk and no action. This made me push harder and he never pushed back.

But in all of my encounters, either short or long, I pushed boundaries without even realizing it, begging for them to bring me back and remind me where my home was. I was too strong for them or they weren't strong enough for me?

Technicality

Back in June (the middle) I received a message from a profile I had on OK Cupid. I put it up a few months ago but never made mention of being submissive other than two words. I wrote I was looking for someone who knew how to take control and make me laugh. Now to a vanilla guy this would probably mean someone who is in charge but not in the D sense. The message I received was simple but I really didn't give it much credence because I assumed he was vanilla, so I wrote back tell me more about yourself. I am not sure what happened but I am going to go out on a limb and say I just deleted his next message. OK Cupid sent me a notice to let me know it was in my box, but I just deleted it without even reading it. Anyway a month later I received another short message and this one I opened, I realized what had happened and wrote back and told him I never got the message but thank you and I was taking off from dating, give me a shout in August. He wrote back and joked about how it must have been a tough month. The following week I wrote back because I was bored and he caught me at a giving time. I talked about how difficult it was to find chemistry and we started back and forth from there. This went on for a couple of days and then it went over to Yahoo Message for a few days. The message thing turned out to be us leaving messages for each other because after the first time we used it we were never on at the same time.

My first question to him was how did he know I was submissive, he had mentioned it in his original messages last month but I didn't catch it right away. He said he looked for certain things in my profile, I still really don't know how he found me out. Anyway we messaged back and forth, now even though the month hasn't ended this TECHNICALLY isn't part of this month, since it started last month. I love my logic.

Our conversation today was the usual D/s stuff, it started out quite innocently enough. We talked about regular stuff and then it moved very slowly into the other. When were done he had me all flushed and wet, but then again I am easy. The conversation moved to the phone and again it started off slow and moved into questions about my past relationships. Very detailed questions and some that even made me feel uncomfortable about sharing, he wanted to know what others had liked about me. We talked about the lifestyle and how open and honest it is compared to most vanilla relationships, one thing we both like. Which answered the blog question I asked the other day but I am still working on the physical relationship question. But like most said you don't know until you are in the situation and slow is good when you are getting to know someone.

He also questioned me about details of my past and asked some very intimate things that I probably have never shared with others. Something he said made me realize that my one relationship didn't have the structure I wanted that I had pushed boundaries but nothing was ever done, there were no consequences. I enjoyed out talk but that's as much as I will say until we meet in person.

I did have a guy who I had spoken to last month write me again asking if we could talk again, I said we had already talked and there was no chemistry there (at least on my side). I also put my CM profile back up, nothing really interesting there but I am starting to dip my foot back in the dating waters.

PS freaken blogspot is highlighting my words and I can't get it off, grrr.

Waiting?

I love to read all types of material, one being books on relationships. Being fairly new to this lifestyle I find myself very conflicted with what I have learned/read about how to respond to a new relationship. Recently I found myself viewing material written by a relationship expert, she wrote about "playing hard to get".

She wrote about how humans thrive on desire and you can't desire something you already have. Playing hard to get has helped thousands of women learn the meaning of valuing themselves by using self-restraint and self-discipline. Applied to relationships, when the woman makes a man jump through hoops (waiting 3 months to sleep together) he sees her as something valuable, something he had to work hard for. Where the woman who gives into quickly he sees her as something less valuable.

DV recently answered a question on form spring about being ashamed of being a submissive. He wrote "There is no need to be or feel ashamed of your desires....Just know that is it OK to want, need, and feel the desires you have....You and only you know what is best for you and what you need....Don't let outside influences and the views of others deter you from being happy and who you truly are."

I am absolutely not ashamed of the way I feel or the fact that I want a D/s relationship. Where I get confused or stuck is with the vanilla I grew up with all of my life and the new life I want. Do you wait? Do you not wait? Does a D feel differently than other men? If you give in quickly does respect come into play?

When I refer to waiting, it could be anything from simple play to sex and time frame could be the first meeting or after a couple of dates. Obviously from my previous writings you may have noticed I have a challenging time waiting. When I opened this door I specifically did it with the intention of discovering who I was and what I wanted. Now almost a year in November, I know the answers to both the questions so now I need to know...do I jump to quickly into a physical relationship? In this lifestyle besides long distance relationships, is there such a thing as waiting? Does respect and value come into play in this lifestyle the same way it does in vanilla?

Plus what about sharing blogs...how does that effect the way a D sees you? Is it something that should be with held back? I have this compulsion to share it because it is a part of who I am, but I often wonder if this is a detriment to building a relationship.  

I would love to hear what others have to say about this topic because this is something that definitely has been a conflict in the back of my mind since the beginning...its that Catholic Girl up bringing that's still in my head, even though I haven't seen the inside of a church (much to the chagrin of my mother) in a long time.

Want & Deserve

I am a woman who is submissive who leads with her heart, when I meet a man who possesses the qualities I want, has the same goals as myself and I am attracted to him, I fall fast. I don't just fall for looks, there has to be more to him - honesty, character, caring and warmth. I fall for the way he looks at me or should I say right through me. I am captivated by his eyes, his touch and his words. I can feel he is attracted to my submissiveness because he is dominant. Like an intoxicating drug we are drawn together for the need both crave.

After all the drowsiness of the first attraction clears and real life invades, this is the critical time. The time when I want to be able to put my trust in this man and be able to give myself over to him completeley. This the real test of a relationship when those things that get in the way of happiness show up - kids, work, family, bills, previous relationships, death, stress, etc.

Things that either make you work harder to be together or things you let break your relationship. In the end I just want to know that the man I am falling in love with, the man I want to submit to, will move heaven and earth to be with me, regardless of the extraneous things that interfere. I know he may falter sometimes because he is human but ultimately his actions will show me how much I mean to him and how much he values our relationship.

As I begin to put myself out there again, I hope I always remember what I want and deserve.

Overdrive

That sexual arousal that I was supposed to start feeling kicked in and now I feel like I'm high all day long thinking about it him touching me. I wrote the other day about "his hands" on Florida Dom's blog. He had read Velvet's post about her masters hands and asked others to talk about "his hands". He wanted thoughts about how he uses them to play with you.

The first thing that came to mind was that night in the car. How he unzipped my jeans and slipped his hand, down. He grabbed my hair so that I would look into his eyes as he felt how wet I was for him, now its all I can think about. I totally blame this on FD for asking the question, lol!

OK, not really its the stuff I am taking that has kicked me into a sexual overdrive. It doesn't help that every morning I log on to see what everyone else is writing (because we all know I'm not getting any). It also doesn't help that I read at least half a book every damn day on top of it. Today's was a little unusual for my taste but came in as a bundle with two other titles, it was about wolves. The dominant & the sub were both wolves and they discovered that they were mates. The details really aren't important, just know it was like any other book I read, lots of and lots of dominating and submission.

Taking care of it myself is not helping, its just not the same. Not to mention as soon I'm done the feeling is back again. I sure hope I can get this under control before I start dating because humping some strange guys leg is not exactly the way I pictured myself.


Ocean air

Something about the ocean air that gets the conversation going. We talked about a friend who has been living with a man for 4 yrs. He used to live in another state and they met on the Internet. She moved him down here and since he has arrived he hasn't worked one day, he doesn't have a car or have a drivers license. We think there are some DUI issues but really we were discussing this because I said I can't imagine going to work everyday and have him sit at home.

My friend said you have to look at it a different way, this girl had never had a relationship until very late in life. She didn't know what it was like to have a boyfriend or date, she lacked those skills. So when she met him and fell in love, she didn't think twice about him coming to live with her and support him. They are happy, he seems to treat her well. We talked about how to us it seemed strange that she wouldn't be resentful of him. My friend said she doesn't know any different. I wouldn't mind being a kept woman, its not a far leap from being the housewife I always wanted to be.

We also talked about how we knew a lot of women who are single but have a clear picture of what they want and they aren't settling for anything less. That doesn't mean finding a perfect person but more of a general idea of what you want out of a relationship. She knows I am not dating this month but she didn't know I was wavering in my decision. I had been thinking why not just get back out there?

It wasn't until we were talking about something else and she said do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result - that was exactly how I had felt after the last guy. After I broke off my relationship in February I kept doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result each time. I was the hamster on the wheel. She reminded me why I was taking this break, I said I wasn't sure what would happen after the month was up...what will have changed? She said maybe I would have a clearer understanding of what I wanted and why the others didn't work out.

We both believe in the power of the universe, putting it out there. Being thankful for what you have, not what you want to have. I start & end everyday thanking the universe for everything I have, from my kids, family, health, car, air conditioner, house, money, etc. to the wonderful, loving man in my life.





To...

Emotions ran high for me today for various reasons, which are only important to me. But they left me feeling vulnerable and empty because I don't have him in my life. I don't know who he is yet but one day I will...he will be there on days like today and I will show my gratitude everyday that he is in my life.  

Today was the day I missed having him, to...
kneel before him 
hold me close
feel safe under his protection
feel his lips against mine
look into his eyes
feel his skin against mine
feel intoxicated by his touch
feel my breath catch as he grabs my hair
taste him on my lips
run my fingers through his hair
inhale his intoxicating scent
feel the strength of his hands
surrender to him
feel him take what is his
know he cares for me as I do for him
just be near him
just know that he is in my life

This is why I write, so that I can let out all the emotions of the day and get on with my life, this and dark chocolate :)
**just tried a new chocolate - dove with rasberry swirl - YUMMY

Follow up

I had too much to say so I replying to comments from the Dating posting:

Strongbutsubmissive - I am sure that girls F it up all the time, heaven knows I've heard plenty of stories from men. Yes CM is Collar Me as Kitten for Sir stated, there was a time not to long ago when I didn't know the initials either. I am always being educated on something new with TTWD (things that we do).

Kitten for Sir - I am going to look for Conquer Me, I am always looking for a good read. Thank goodness I have a Kindle otherwise people would think I need to join Erotica Anonymous, lol. As for making you wet, sorry I can't help you until August and even then I have to start the hunt all over again. I am using July as a cleanse of sorts and I am really trying to stick to being disciplined. But if you go over to Aisha's page she has a great story going that I am pretty sure she is trying to very slowly kill me with anticipation.

Sl & his kitty - I always ask men friends if they know why men send those pictures and they just laugh...men think with their :- so they just can't help themselves. Thankfully there are also a lot of good guys out there who realize that their words are far more effective than a dic pic.

Alice - that had to be some one liner :)

Clive - I agree both sexes have equal opportunity to F it up.

Being Aisha - I wish I could write my fantasies or the stories like you and Nilla, but alas I am not gifted with that talent. I remember when I was dating a vanilla guy and he used to travel, so I would write him stories to read at night when he was on the road. I bought a book called Naughty Stories from A to Z, copied them and sent it to him. He loved them but my point is that I suck at telling stories. Its OK, just like backing into a parking space (which is usually crooked) I have learned to own my foibles.

I read a terrific posting today over at A Dauntless Journey about giggles in the bedroom, which by now I am sure you have all read. I recounted a bra incident I had last month where it just wouldn't come off. We both laughed about it and I felt a great sense of intimacy with him.

On the other side I had an experience a while ago where a man told me that he didn't appreciate my laughing when something had happened. When someone tells me to stop laughing, I don't react well. My walls go up and doubts about the person fill my head and that could mean anyone I meet in life.

Of course I don't laugh at inappropriate times but laughing & giggling is a part of who I am. Most of the time when I am writing or reading a posting I am usually laughing out loud, which gets me a lot of looks & questions from people around me at the time. One guy at work just says I don't even want to know (I think he's afraid of what I might tell him).

Dating

Ms. Inconspicuous at The Anatomies of a Marriage wrote a wonderful posting today,  Five Things Guys Do to Fuck it All Up. Even though I am not dating this month (half way through), I can relate on how difficult it can be. Now she is on Ashley Madison looking for a very specific type of relationship but really these 5 items apply to dating in general. I have experienced every single one and each time I shake my head in disbelief, wondering "what the F--k" are they thinking.

1.  Bitterness - last month I was on CM and was contacted by a D that said check out my profile, if you like what you see please write me (please refer to #4). His profile read like a laundry list of all the different people he had been involved with or had contact with, listing every single detail of what he didn't like about them. It went on and on like a rant of what he didn't want. So I wrote back to him and politely let him know that I felt his profile was to negative for my taste. Being the confident man that he was he wrote back and criticized me for being judgmental, then he blocked me. It was a like a hit and run, very cowardly. I was probably added to top his profile list of things he didn't like. We have all had bad relationships, but if you bring that bitterness into the next one then it is doomed to fail before it even gets started.

2.  Sharing erotica - now I love erotica, read it everyday and can't get enough of it. But why oh why do men have to send picture of their dicks? This is a question that I ask myself all the time, what are they thinking? I understand men are visual but when you first approach me I don't want to see your 9 inch-er, save it for later. I just want a picture of your head up top not down below.

3. Apologizing - if you have to apologize for bothering me with your email...then you have no self confidence, which is a sure sign you are not the guy for me.

4.  Leaving things in my hands - If you can't take charge, then you can't take me. Like when the guy wrote "if your interested write me back", grow a set and show me you are a D. I'm not looking for a jerk, just someone who can take the lead.

5.  Unearned demands - love this one! Yes, I am submissive but no this doesn't mean I will be...calling you immediately because you said so, sending you a naked picture because you said so or calling you Sir/Master immediately. I already know I want to be at a D's feet but being submissive doesn't give you the right to be a jerk to someone you don't even know. The man whom I submit to is the man who doesn't need to demand my submission.

6. One liners - This is my addition to the list. One liner first contact..."Hi", "How are you", "Your beautiful" or "How is your day going". Come on really, this is the best you could come up with?! You are looking for someone to date or have some type of relationship with and this is the first impression you want to give? If you don't have more to say than a couple of words then you aren't even worth writing back to. I can already tell that having some type of a conversation with this person would be like pulling teeth. I am attracted to a man who can write or at least make the effort of putting together a few sentences to show me you are worth the time and effort.

I think that (some) men need to be reminded they are on these web sites to ATTRACT someone, not scare them away. I want a man who draws me in with his confidence and intelligence, who wants to get to know me and not just what my sexual likes and dislikes are.  He is looking to build something out of nothing more than 2 people looking for the same thing. He conquers my mind, knowing my body will eagerly follow.

Feminine Power

The other day the light came on in my car for low tire pressure. I went to the gas station to fill up but I wasn't sure what the pressure should be and I couldn't find my tire gauge, so I kept driving. I contemplated on what to do and decided to go back to where I bought the tires. The man behind the counter was only to willing to help me fill up my tires, gave me a lesson on how full they should be and even went to his truck and gave me a tire gauge. He was all smiles and was very helpful, even a little flirtatious.

Home Depot was my next stop, the kids bathroom toilet had stopped running. Again the man at HD was only to glad to assist me (both times) and even demonstrate how to repair the part. His approach was more of a fatherly one. I can think of a hundred other examples and I know that they were just doing there job but its times like that when I realize my femininity. Both times I flashed my biggest smile combined with some vulnerability and they were happy to help. I was very grateful for their assistance and I made sure to let them know.

The first time I can remember realizing that I had an effect on men was when I was a teenager. I was over in Europe for the summer and I remember we were going to the American Club. The young men who worked there would look at me, I was wearing a yellow sun dress and a wedge heel with straps that tied around my ankle. Just the way they wanted my attention made me realize that I had a special power. Even my daughter in her young teenage years realized she had it. One day she was going somewhere (I can't remember exactly) and I said to her, just flash a smile and they will help you. She said Mom don't worry I am really good at that.

Now some might say you shouldn't play dumb and you shouldn't teach your daughter to either. I say use what you have and I have always used my power for good and not to take advantage of someone. Could I have figured out both problems by myself, sure no doubt in my mind. But, it probably would have taken me twice as long because it would have been a trial and error process. Since I already know I can't do it all myself so why not ask for help and at the same time make the person helping you feel good, men like to impress women. 

I am grateful when a man treats me like a princess...opens doors, order my food, helps me with my coat, brings me flowers or presents, fixes something around the house, etc. Being happy is second nature to me, I love to laugh and I would rather have a smile on my face then a frown. I love being a female, soft and vulnerable. All of these combined is me, so its not like I am faking it with them, sometimes I am just more aware of my feminine power.

Weather

This morning I woke up feeling horrible, I checked the app on my phone to see if my period was coming (still 7 days away). When my teeth started aching I knew it was the weather. So I checked the weather map, sure enough all of S FL is covered with heavy storms. Now I don't react to every storm just the ones where the pressure drop is significant, like when a hurricane is approaching. The good thing is it only lasts one day but it stays all day and when I wake up the next day I guess my body levels out and I am better. I take Excedrin sinus because I have found it to work the best but if I don't take it quick enough it only takes the edge off. Today is my day to enjoy the pressure in my head that feels like its going to explode and all I think about it going to back sleep to reboot my brain, only 11 hrs to go.

So I was told that I wasn't eating enough because of a pill I am taking, that suppresses my appetite and I forget to eat. Apparently that's not good because I am starving my body, blah blah blah. Who thought one day my problem would be not eating enough, its always been the opposite. So I am now entering the world of juicing. I bought an inexpensive juicer and got my first recipe of ginger, green apples & carrots. I experimented last night, added a little too much ginger but all in all it wasn't bad. The biggest hassle was the clean up, there are at least 6 pieces that have to be cleaned. Next I am going to move on to greens, not a big fan of drinking a something that tastes like the lawn. But I am trying to improve myself and I have already lost 10lbs without even really trying. If anybody has any recipes to share by all means please let me know.

Irony

One of the things I enjoy about being home without anyone (kids and their friends) else in the house, everything is just like I left it when I went to work. Usually when I get home from work depending who's been at home, the kitchen looks like there was a party. You weren't invited to participate in this party you were just left with the clean up, that is if you want to be able to make dinner. So when I get home and the counters are clean its a small pleasure that I will enjoy for the next couple of weeks. Its the little things in life.


So a former lover contacted me today and asked if I wanted to participate in a group session with him. He said he would feel comfortable with me, all my limits would be respected and I would be protected. Two things wrong with this, well three...1. we are just friends and not lovers any longer 2. I don't and have never participated in any group activities, just not my thing 3. I am taking a break .

Here's where it gets better, as if announcing that I won't be dating is like a beacon of sexual attraction. I have been put on a medication with hormones and apparently there are two side effects. First my energy level will go up, that is great because I am also increasing my exercise routine - so that's terrific! Second my sexual level will go up, WHAT? The increase of hormones is going to make me even hornier. Now I am pretty good right now so I am not sure what to expect in the next week. The only thing I can think is that it will be like when I was pregnant, always wanting sex.

So here I am 6 days into the month of taking a break (even though the universe seems to have other ideas) and I am about to go into overdrive sexually - GREAT :)

Welcome to my ironic life...

PS I was reading a comment by Florida Dom on Sin's blog, where he mentions he hates the word verification. Well I do to, so I have removed it from my blog and we'll see what happens. I also removed the page where it tells you this is adult content - gone!

Hard Work

This 4th of July I took on the task of watching...the ocean (from the pool, under the umbrella).
It was hard work but somebody had to do it, that's just the kind of person I am, selfless.


I had a great day with my childhood friend, we spent the day sitting by the pool enjoying the ocean breeze. I always feel great when I am with my girlfriends, they always renew my energy. We went to dinner and then over to another friends house to watch some fireworks. We gabbed about how hard it was to meet eligible men, especially here in South FL where its very transient and self absorbed.

One of them suggested that the best men would be from places like Oregon, Nebraska, Maine (plus a few others). They would be from large families with 8 or 9 siblings and know the meaning of commitment. Both of my friends are vanilla and they both know I prefer a dominant man. These men would enjoy camping, hiking and boating (for my one friend). The other wants a man who is successful and loves to travel. Then we joked about going on a road trip to meet all these wonderful guys but I told them it would have to wait until after my self imposed no dating policy for the month of July. But after that maybe we'll rent a big bus and wrap it with an ad that says - we're on the road in search of good eligible men to date - if you know any call 1-800...lol!

On the way home my friend asked me what kind of man I was looking for...a dominant first and fore most, appreciates my need to be submissive and nurturing,cherishes me, very sexual & enjoys the occasional public displays of affection, includes me in discussions but then makes the final decision, confident, successful, makes me laugh and has a good sense of humor, teaches me, enjoys the finer things as well as the everyday, kind, honest, passionate, loves his family, educated and on the same social level, loves me for who I am today...these were the things I threw out when put on the spot.

To round off this wonderful day I treated myself to the Hitachi for dessert. OK, I know its only day 2 of my vanilla blog and I can't even keep it clean, what can I say its a work in progress.

All in all it was a terrific day!

**Please note absolutely no heavy lifting or cleaning was involved in the making of this relaxing day**

Happy 4th

Happy 4th of July!!

Yesterday, after my daughter left for Italy, I immediately began taking back my house. I turned on some music from the Ipod which consisted of everything from Nickleback & STP to Chris Botti & Dave Grusin. Yes a couple of the songs brought tears to my eyes but I just kept going. I started with the couch and what lives under the couch & cushions when your not looking? Glad you asked...jelly beans, socks, pennies, hair ties, droid figures, cat toys and some unidentifiable stuff. I vacuumed, scrubbed the kitchen and organized the garage shelves...next it will be the kids rooms and that could take days.

Today I am heading out to the condo on the beach with a friend to hang out at the pool. For me under the umbrella, her probably not. I burn, she tans. Last year I watched the fireworks from their so we'll see how the day goes.

I was surprised when "P" called me last night. I was lying around in a towel after my shower and the phone rang. I wasn't sure what to expect when I picked up the phone. He called to chat before he left for his trip. Our conversation was as if nothing had happened the night before, he did apologize for not spending more time with me. He told me he would miss me and asked if he could make it up to me when he returns. I said sure, but I have no illusions about anything.

I still don't know what he wants from me, I don't even think he knows what he wants. Maybe just that something is missing from his life. Right before he hung up he said OK beautiful girl and my whole body reacted to his words. I wanted to touch myself but I didn't, sometimes I just enjoy the feeling of wanting it.

I am going to miss him but I'm still proceeding with caution (easy to say while he's not here).


Break

I woke up this morning to find I had 4 messages from dating sites with men who wanted to meet me. When it rains it pours.

But I made a decision...I am not dating anyone for the month of July. I am hiding my profiles and removing my ad. I know my friend is getting ready to shoot me an email saying no, no you need to get back out there. Maybe I have just been looking to hard, maybe I stopped listening to my instincts or maybe after you find the one that makes all the others pale in comparison its hard to go back...who the hell knows. All I know is I need a break from dating. Kitten for Sir commented that "a submissive tends to let her heart Dominate her" maybe on my break I can figure out how to fix that problem (just kidding).

I have plenty to do this month to keep myself busy. I want to do the spring cleaning I put off till summer. I have work. I have a stack of books (real ones) that I have bought and not read. My trainer has me on a new schedule this month. I have 11 days of no one in my house and after that I have access to a condo on the beach. I am going to visit my son in Orlando towards the end of the month. Before I know it the month will be gone.

So my apologizes now but for the next month this blog will be going vanilla, with an occasional wandering of my mind. I am just going to have to live vicariously through you guys.

Happy 4th of July to all!!

Released

He text me during the day, hey beautiful girl can't wait to see you tonight, hey sexy girl can we change the time. So as the day went by I didn't even think he was going to make it, his work is very consuming. But that is something I am not bothered by, being in the corporate environment I am even used to it. He called to let me know he was running late and that he had a bad day but was looking forward to seeing me. It made me think of something I had read on DV's site “Strong men simply need women. This will never be understood by weak men. A strong man needs a woman at his feet, who is truly his. Anything else is less than his fulfillment".

But when he showed up something was off, he kissed me but then pulled away (several times). The embrace I had been looking forward to was not there. Then at different parts of the night he would touch me then pull away, like he had forgotten that he wasn't going to do that. We went to a late dinner, when he was running late I called the restaurant he enjoyed to see what time they closed. I joked with him that once an executive assistant always one, he said and a good assistant always has a plan B (and I did). Finding a restaurant that's open late on a Saturday is much easier than on a Monday night.

When we arrived home he turned off the car but left the window open, I knew. He turned to me and said he had a great time, that I needed to take care of myself and that he wouldn't be coming in. He said he was glad he had met me and we were able to spend time together. I smiled, wished him a good trip and said I had enjoyed his company as well. He pulled me in for several kisses and when he let go, he reached out and grabbed my hair and began to pull my head back. After a moment of just holding me there, he pulled me in again for another kiss. By this point the blood had rushed to my head and all I could hear was a buzzing sound. I got that embarrassed feeling and it was all I could do to keep a smiIe on my face. I turned to get out of the car and I saw him get out as well. He followed me on to the lawn and pulled me into an embrace and a kiss.

He said he would call me tomorrow, I found the statement absurd and laughed. He said that he would miss my laugh, I said something stupid like you will find someone else. Then he said I don't have time for this (meaning having a woman in his life), I asked him then why did you answer my ad. He kissed me again and then let me go. I said goodbye and never looked back.

During the whole time we were together I never got the impression he was a bad guy. He left me wondering...why did he pursue me even after I turned him down? why did he drive 45 minutes each way to see me all week? why did he open up about his personal life and get into mine? What was he looking for from me? I am left with more questions than answers.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart". I am glad he came into my life, even if it was just for a short time. I have no regrets and I consider him a friend. I found him to be a strong, sexy, kind, generous and loving man who had a profound effect on me. I hope he finds someone to fill that void in his life so that he can have the happiness I think he's looking for (whether he realizes it or not).
PS Thank you but I have turned off the comments for this posting.

Life

Life got in the way of tonight, so we are seeing each other tomorrow. I had a feeling that 3am conference call to overseas would screw things up. I was up at 3am also to answer a call from my son letting me know they had arrived in Quincy, MA. He has been gone over a month and even though I am enjoying my freedom, I miss him. He will be seeing my mother and her husband tonight, so he will be happy to have some familiar faces around. Then this weekend my daughter leaves for Italy and I will have the house to myself for 11 whole days. No one to clean up after, even though this is the time I have planned to gut the house and get it back in order.

"P" is leaving on Monday also, so I will really be on my own. I have really come look forward to talking and spending time with him. I will definitely miss him when he leaves. I will miss his smile, his laugh, the way his strong hands grab me, his kisses, his gentle touch, his sexy pony-tail & his sexy accent that could melt butter. The way he cares about his family and friends and the way he makes me feel. The way he calls me beautiful girl and good girl, making me feel special and cared for. The way he leaves bruises for me to remember him by. The way I get wet and feel flushed at the thought of calling him Sir. The way he can keep me aroused all day and night, the way he controls my orgasms. The way I know there is so much more to explore. I could keep going, but you get the idea.

Which leaves me with the question I haven't been asking...where do I go from here? Does he view this as a fling or is he looking beyond the moment or is our timing just off? I have been afraid to think about it, afraid to think beyond just today, afraid I would get hurt. I opened myself up but I never thought beyond the next day and now the days are running out.

The thought of going back to looking again leaves me with that sick feeling in my stomach but I have done it before. As a matter of fact at work today I received a picture of a naked man with the the caption "I want you", now who wouldn't want that (eyes rolling). 

Well at least until Monday I don't have to think about it, I can just enjoy the moments we have left - no regrets.