The questions he asked were uncomfortable like being on the therapists couch. The information I gave him I had never shared with just one person before. Bits and pieces yes but never everything. The questions made me think and reflect, made me squirm. I don't read anything into this other than he asks good questions.
I want to be able to shut my mind off. In the beginning I can give myself over to touch but never totally. My mind is always going especially with someone who is temporary or new because I always feel like I have to protect myself, take care of myself as I have always done. I am looking for that one who will make me feel safe and protected so that I can not only be responsive to his touch but also relax and clear my mind.
My other relationships/encounters allowed me to find out how I felt about submitting but I held onto a certain amount of control because I never felt safe enough to let go totally.
One told me that the reason he never collared me was because he was married. All it said to me was I wasn't important enough because one had nothing to do with the other. Knowing this I never totally let go and in the end the dynamics changed for me.
One made promises of strength and dominance but in the end was never able to follow through and keep them, all talk and no action. This made me push harder and he never pushed back.
But in all of my encounters, either short or long, I pushed boundaries without even realizing it, begging for them to bring me back and remind me where my home was. I was too strong for them or they weren't strong enough for me?