Leaving me to my thoughts

The questions he asked were uncomfortable like being on the therapists couch. The information I gave him I had never shared with just one person before. Bits and pieces yes but never everything. The questions made me think and reflect, made me squirm. I don't read anything into this other than he asks good questions.

I want to be able to shut my mind off. In the beginning I can give myself over to touch but never totally. My mind is always going especially with someone who is temporary or new because I always feel like I have to protect myself, take care of myself as I have always done. I am looking for that one who will make me feel safe and protected so that I can not only be responsive to his touch but also relax and clear my mind.
My other relationships/encounters allowed me to find out how I felt about submitting but I held onto a certain amount of control because I never felt safe enough to let go totally.

One told me that the reason he never collared me was because he was married. All it said to me was I wasn't important enough because one had nothing to do with the other. Knowing this I never totally let go and in the end the dynamics changed for me.

One made promises of strength and dominance but in the end was never able to follow through and keep them, all talk and no action. This made me push harder and he never pushed back.

But in all of my encounters, either short or long, I pushed boundaries without even realizing it, begging for them to bring me back and remind me where my home was. I was too strong for them or they weren't strong enough for me?

12 comments:

  1. I'd have to say, there weren't strong enough for you <3
    The right Dom/me for you will need you to be strong too I think. ;)

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  2. The strength that full submission requires is unfathomable. It is to be earned and cherished.

    Your prince will come.

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  3. They weren't strong enough. That's just my opinion, but I think we have that in common - it will need to be someone who can handle you and recognizes all you have to offer.

    I think he's out there... surely he's out there...

    aisha

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  4. From a Dom standpoint, I KNOW you will need to be strong. In time one will come along. I am always talking about patience. Learn it. Cherish it. Patience is a good thing. Not saying there will be times we are impatient because we do experience that from time to time.

    It’s ok to push. If you are with a Dom and he doesn’t push back, they are either to weak minded to understand that you need the additional force to push against one another (physics lesson) or they are irritated that you are pushing and that is someone you need to exercise caution with. Someone that becomes irritated at you is someone that could snap and strike quickly and abruptly and that is someone you should be very careful around.

    I have probably said too much, maybe even rambled. But I hope you get my point. If not, then I need to work on my communication skills. And we all know a Dom has poor communication skills right?

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  5. Nadia being strong has never been an issue. Single mother of 2 and a business owner, I have been strong all my life.

    Mindset yes earned and cherished is what I want and want to give.

    Aisha I keep telling myself everyday, hes out there.

    Strictnstern4u I appreciate a Ds point of view. Some days I feel more patient than others.

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  6. SBF, I think all your encounters and experiences help you as well. Even though there are ups and downs, pleasure and pain (emotional), you still gain and learn from it.

    AS with myself and with histoy (who I know you know well), that person is out there. In time, it will happen. The timing is not right yet. But, all you have been through will make you a better submissive. It has shown you more of what you want and what you don't, for yourself and in a Dominant. Learning this is priceless. When the right one does come along, you are much more prepared.

    All we go through and have been through have lead us to where we are now. It has prepared us for what is to come. Take away the positive aspect of your experiences and all you have learned. In the end, and when the right one does come along, you will be much better for him and for yourself.

    DV

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  7. Of course you test...it is one way to find out if He can meet your needs. You will know when no testing is necessary.
    abby

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  8. DV as always thank you for your words of wisdom. As a former girl scout I am always prepared, lol with my cup, plate, fork, handcuffs, etc.

    Abby thank you for saying that, I needed to hear it.

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  9. hi sbf you will meet him and through your experiences you will know he is the right Dom for you and i know you wont rush into anything.

    blossom x

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  11. Hi sbf, I have lurked for a while and really enjoy your blog, and this post. Is there a way to contact you via email? I have searched your blog/profile and can't find an address or link. I'm exploring my submissive nature and so much of what you are saying rings true for me, too. Sky

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