Breaking down the walls

It's been a busy week, so much so that I haven't posted in a while. As Aisha says, I am always talking to someone on CM. Sometimes it's raining D's and sometimes it feels like there are none left. The thing about talking with each new one is you share a very intimate part of yourself each time and the longer you talk the more you share. Trying to figure out if he is the one that fits with you. Conversations go back and forth, questions are asked and answered. This goes on for days or weeks and usually if you are conversing longer than a few days, you start to become invested. You get that "wow" this could be a potential partner feeling. Then it happens for a reason unknown to you he drops off the face of the earth. Sometimes you hear from them again, sometimes not. You are left wondering what happened. Did you do something wrong, did he lose interest, is he dead...mostly you just wonder why didn't he just speak up and say goodbye. I think there are too many men on CM that enjoy the online safety net.

The reason I bring this up is because the guy I was talking to did just that, he disappeared. But first he cyber stalked me from the information I gave him. He was a computer guru and our last communication he had figured out my phone number. I was a little surprised but not really, I would even go so far as to say he figured out that I had a blog and read it, but that is just a guess. Anyway he's gone but only to be replaced by several others.

So as I was answering my CM emails today and I a profile came up on my home page. I wasn't really interested in the guy but something in his journal caught my eye.

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out
but to see who cares enough to break them down"

(hand raising) OOH, OOH, OOH, that's me!! over here, pick me!!

When I read this I identified with the statement, that's what I want. I want that man who will care enough to break down the walls that I throw up. I want that man who wants to get to know about me and more than just my breast size and do I like anal. This man is serious about getting to know the vanilla and sub side of me, he doesn't just want one part of me, he wants it all.

Late breaking news:
I just had the best conversation with a new guy from CM (yes another one), but he had the best sense of humor I have come across in a long time and....wait for it - he's a cop. A man in uniform with his own handcuffs, very sexy and definately something I can take to bed with me tonight, giggle.

Scary Bitches

I belong to some groups on FetLife and receive emails about discussions all the time. Most times I don't respond or even read them. I think I have replied 2 times and in each I offered something constructive to the conversation. Today I was talking to the Dom I had been emailing with and something he mentioned several times made me wonder. So I decided to start a discussion because I sincerely wanted other opinions before I responded to him. So I posted...

Has this ever happened to you?
I am talking to a local Dom online only, we haven't met yet. In his last email he mentioned that he didn't want to know anything about my past relationships and he didn't want to talk about his. I have only had two D's relationships but have spoken with a lot of D's in between and all them have wanted to know details about my other relationships/experiences.
So this comment made me stop and wonder if he was a D. Before I overreact I wanted to get other opinions.
So my question is has this ever happened to anyone else...have you ever met a D that didn't want to know about your past experiences?
I posted because really wanted to get other opinions. Well DAMN some of those woman are really MEAN and SCARY. Some, not all jumped all over me, belittling me and how I was feeling.

NEVER going to make that mistake again!!


Just a very quick note, its been a busy day. But I have to mention that for the past couple of days my foot has been bothering me. I even went to the store and bought some inserts thinking that would help. Still I couldn't figure out what happened and then it hit me. Saturday night, awkward position that strained my foot...LMAO.

Is there such a thing a kinksterscomp, for those D/s related injuries?

Also I was feeling a little down today somebody I had sparked up a conversation with all of a sudden just dropped off the face of the earth. Why do they do that? Why don't they just grow some balls and say hey this isn't what I was looking for, thanks. I mean how difficult is that? Anyway he missed out on a good thing :)

But then another guy I have been talking to picked back up our conversation and I felt that rush of adrenaline. There is nothing like a D in your life to get your blood going, love that feeling.

Off to a clients for a house call - its a beautiful day. Other than the earthquakes in CO and Virginia, what's up with that?

PS check out my previous posting, I have picked up a new commenter - blessed holly socks. I am not sure if he wants to save me or screw me.


My girlfriend recently told me she went out with a guy and by the third date they had done everything but have intercourse. Inside I laughed because D/s dating is very fast compared to vanilla and that's in the first communications before you even meet. I was reading Jumping On In's posting about how traditional third dates are usually deciding whether or not to take it to the next level. A D/s relationship is very intimate so by the time you meet the person you are practically naked in front of them, either mentally and or physically. But regardless of how well you think things are going, the meeting doesn't always work out the way you want.

Yes, I'm leading up to talking about my date on Saturday. First let me say I was so happy to have all the well wishes, like my own personal cheer leading squad of kinsters (mmm I wonder what your outfits would look like, lol). Our exchanges leading up to our meeting had been amazing, we really wanted the same things. "J" came down because he lives a few hours away and got a hotel room in the town where I live. There was definitely a physical chemistry between us and he immediately was able to put me at ease. We had an amazing time together and he is a wonderful man & D. He was everything I had on my list of wants, all the things I had been looking for in the past.

Because he had everything I wanted and he had been encouraging me to let go of my rules, especially the one where I think a man should be out of his marriage for at least a year before I go out with him. I had instituted this because I think that after you have been married or widowed you need time to heal and get your game back. Time to figure out what you want, time to date casually, especially if you were in a ltr. If you were in a bad marriage you forget how to date, you forget that a woman wants to hold hands, be touched & kissed while you are out together, you just forget how to be intimate with your partner. You become numb because you stop caring about the other person and so when you jump back in you just don't realize.

I think he forgot how to date and just needs time and practice.  If he had lived closer then maybe we could have tried to work on it but because of the distance it just wasn't the right time. We had a wonderful night together but there was something missing for me but I did make a great friend and we will definitely keep in touch.

Plans have been made

He held her hand as they walked towards the door, all she could think about was the kiss on the elevator that had left her breathless.  He stopped and turned to her, "Once we enter you realize you will become mine for the night?".  She nodded, feeling the dampness growing between her legs.  He raised an eyebrow and reached up to tweak her nipple.  She quickly said "Yes Sir".

"What is your safe word?", he asked.  "Red Sir", she replied.  "You understand that once you use this word all will stop and you will be held until you are ready to continue, do you understand?"  He asked.  She licked her lips  nervously, "Yes Sir", as she felt her nipples throbbing for his attention.

He removed something from his pocket.  Holding it in front of her he said, "You will wear these while we are together to show your submission to me tonight".   Her eyes opened wide, "Yes Sir".  In his hand were leather cuffs and a matching collar.  He moved closer to her, she blushed knowing he could smell her arousal.  Holding them in front of her he looked into her eyes.  "Kiss them to acknowledge your submission to me, your Sir".  Her lips tingled as she gently brushed against the leather.

"Hold out your hands in front of you", the cuffs felt soft around her wrists as he made sure they were not to tight. Pushing her hands behind her back he fasten the cuffs together.  She moaned as he nipped at her neck with his teeth.  Then he reached up and placed the temporary collar around her neck.  Her eyes glazed over and she felt dizzy as her body flooded with anticipation of what was ahead.  Turning her in front of him, he opened the door and she gasped at what she saw inside as the blindfold came down over her eyes...

I wrote this today after plans were confirmed for him to come and visit. He will be driving here and has arranged to stay at a hotel in the area. This is more than my usual coffee date and I am both excited and nervous by expectations. Vanilla me will be meeting him to see if indeed there is something there and I promise I am going into this being SSC.

First step is Respect

There is honor in being called Sir based on the knighthood  Code of Chivalry - A knight was expected to have not only the strength and skills to face combat in the violent Middle Ages but was also expected to temper this aggressive side of a knight with a chivalrous side to his nature. This code was a moral system which went beyond rules of combat and introduced the concept of Chivalrous conduct - qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor and gallantry toward women.

Some men who reach out to me, immediately want me to call them Sir or Master. I am immediately turned off by them, I am aware that it is a sign of respect but this is not a BDSM function or club, this is an exchange of emails to get to know someone. For me calling someone Sir is a big deal, it means our relationship has moved to another level, I have let go a little more. Just like subs want unconditional love, Dom's want unconditional respect and calling him Sir is a sign of the respect he needs and wants.  There is also comfort in calling someone special Sir, a reminder of who you belong too...not to mention the tingle I feel throughout my body.

I came across this passage as I was researching Sir & Knighthood, about the corner stones of a D/s relationship..."There are four corner stones of a serious long term D/s relationship. Respect is the first stone, without which there can be no learning about each other. With respect and times comes trust, the second stone. Both trust and respect must be present for total submission to be possible. How can a sub give herself totally if there isn't trust and respect in her Master? Love, the third corner stone, provides the desire to please and allows the Master control of his sub. Commitment, the fourth corner stone, gives life and maturity to the relationship. Commitment protects and nurtures the love, trust and respect and allows the relationship to grow and strengthen even in hard times. Respect, trust, love and commitment - Sir Real

The color of Raspberries

I had a little tiny melt down this morning. I wrote about, I shared it and when I think about it I get that embarrassing warmth in my cheeks. Not because what I said wasn't true, just that maybe I said too much. I couldn't stop myself it just kept coming out, no harm was done except to my pride from bearing my soul. But I guess that goes with the territory of openness and honesty. I am not going to posted it, I was told it was alright but I feel it to be to personal...interesting I never thought those words would be coming out of my mouth.

But I will share my wandering thoughts today...

"Now sit on your hands so I can feed you".

He lifted a bite of dessert on a spoon and placed it front of her mouth.


Taking the spoon in her mouth, she closed her lips around it as he slowly pulled it out of her mouth.

His eyes never leaving hers.

He leaned in closer with each bite and caressed ever so slightly on her thigh. 

"I know you are wet I can smell you".

A shiver went through her as she nodded yes, her face turning the color of the raspberries on the plate.

"Yes Master", she whispered...

Kitten has claws

When I started this journey I chose a butterfly to symbolize myself slowly shedding my inhibitions emerging from the lifeless chrysalis ready to soar into a new and glorious life. But if I had to chose the animal that best represents me I would have to say a kitten (I promise I am not trying to move in on my kitty friends litterbox). I have two cats at home, bad kitty an orange house cat and good kitty a gorgeous Siamese. I have always loved cats ever since I was a child. They were soft and curled up in your lap so contently without a care in the world unless you taunted them, then watch out.

More than anything I want, crave, need to be in a relationship dominated by a man who loves and cares for me.  A man who will take care of me and who will let me take care of him. A man who will be there to remind me when I falter where I should be and who I belong to. A man to help me make decisions, a partner I respect.  I want to combine the everyday of vanilla with a D/s relationship, never knowing where one starts and the other ends. I want to be loved, wake up with him and go to sleep with him. I want to take his pain and pleasure, giving myself to him completely (nothing new there).

I am just like that soft and furry submissive kitten that loves to curl up and rub against you, but at the first sign of trouble the claws come out to protect myself. I am a kitten with claws and I know how to use them. When I am talking to someone I am not that submissive woman he wants me to be. I keep my guard up, ask lots of questions and am very cautious because even though what I want is to be dominated I fear letting the wrong man into my life, relying on him only to be left broken and alone.

I have been talking to someone new..."J". He told me I have been fighting him all the way but it's not a problem because he's willing to fight to see where we go. I have taken my claws out several times with him, only to be talked back down into that submissive kitten.  Each time I am left stunned because he pushes back in a very gentlemanly way. He doesn't demand my respect, he keeps his cool and is very understanding. I feel myself responding to him, but as my friend (histoy) says you don't know anything until you meet him in person and until then I will hold myself back (having learned my lesson - hopefully). This is the first guy I have wanted to meet in a while, he intrigues me because he recognizes how to quell my fears and doesn't run the first (second or third) time I push him away. He definitely has my attention and this kitten wants to learn more.

Wackadoodle Week

I was beaten down with crazy this week and it wasn't the good kind of beating. It seems like all the freaks are out and want to talk to me. To begin with "R" didn't work out, he was the one who I wrote about previously. He decided to share with me, before we met that he didn't think he was strong enough for me. I applauded him for his honesty and suggested he look for someone more his speed, I was met with anger. If you are going to tell me you can't handle the control I am about to hand over to you, what do you expect from me? Anyway I have moved on from him to wade through the enormous amount of emails I received this week. Unfortunately they were all fruit cakes, leaving me to wonder if there was a full moon.

My favorite of the week was the guy who opened with, do you have yahoo? Yes (just out of curiosity) - Give me the name you sign in under and go there NOW. OK maybe I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself, my reply was LOL.

There were way to many young guys, I'm talking in there late 20's to early 30's, all I see is immaturity. They don't understand about having kids and responsibility because they are still children themselves. There is also the ick factor, I'd rather have an older mature man over some young pup. I think I might have a daddy issue, lol.

The most curious was one from a guy who claimed to be local but his profile said Maine, he must have been confused and never replied with a picture or why he said that.

The most conflicting was one from a guy who wanted a male dominated relationship with no pain and nothing to over the top. He went on to tell me he was really had a pussy cat personality. I think he answered the wrong ad.

The most lack of attention to detail was one who wrote to me from CM, asked why I had a fake picture on my profile. Well if he had bothered to read it and click on the pictures he would have seen me.

I had two other goofballs, one who referred to me as a mature woman. He was 55 and I'm 44. He was looking for someone to play with on-line and then eventually meet up (all without his wife finding out). The second referred to me as thick, now I am not a small delicate creature by any stretch of the imagination but really what woman wants to be referred to as thick.

This old fat chick found both references rather insulting but what was more disappointing was the question of whatever happened to manners and being a gentleman. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I ended up blocking the first guy because he just kept messaging me with weird stuff through out the day.

There were a handful of other wackadoodles - all from CM during the daytime. Unemployment must be rampant on CM. Isn't there just one decent lip biting, ass grabbing, dirty talking, hair pulling, up against the wall, neck kissing, love biting Dominant man out there?
Then to top it off my first D, who I ended it with a while ago and has been texting me on and off. At first he said he wanted to be friends, but I knew he couldn't. He just wanted to be able to have me when ever he wanted. I had explained to him that I don't want to sleep with him anymore but it wasn't getting through to him. So finally the other day he wrote to me and said he was finally letting go and wished me well. Only to then start back up again with questions about why we can't be together anymore. How he didn't realize that he had the option to collar me when we were together. He asked me why I didn't tell him I wanted to be collared, I said that would be like buying the ring and proposing myself. Sort of throws off the whole Dom in charge philosophy I have in my mind. 

I made a huge mistake by picking up the phone when he called and it just started his persistence all over again. He says he wants to be in my life again and that would do anything I wanted, help me with my everyday decisions and take care of me. My feeling is he had that chance and never did anything until it was over. He says that he still has an effect on me both physically and mentally, he's right but I want more.  I know he can't give me what I need so its best not to start up again. Now he's pushed me to the point of having to stop communicating with him and I realize we can't even be friends. Which is a shame because I felt a very special connection to him and always will.

So were two weeks into August and nothing yet, but its ok because my kid comes home tomorrow after being away for the entire summer and then school starts again. My time won't be my own for a while. So I am enjoying reading all the other blogs that are having sex :) so keep on writing.

Confidence is key

Confidence: full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed. Belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.
As a submissive woman I am attracted to confidence, doesn't necessarily mean I want to submit to everyone I meet. But it is a very powerful aphrodisiac and I am immediately drawn to that person, wanting to know more and understand what I see in them. Some have understated confidence, some have overpowering confidence but one thing is for sure, I know it when I see it.

I see it in the Dom & sub blogs I read,  men & women  I meet, emails I receive from prospects and even over the phone. I look for a man who projects that confidence, he knows how to take control in his emails, phone calls and first meeting. Now there is a fine line between confidence and being an arrogant asshole but usually the arrogant ones usually show themselves early on because they don't have control of their behavior.

Having a lack of confidence is something that conjures up the total opposite feeling. If the person I am talking to has a lack of confidence in himself or his abilities, then how would he be able to take charge of the of me and accept the control I am handing over to him? He wouldn't and when I get that feeling then I know they are not right for me. It doesn't mean they aren't a D, just that they aren't mine. Just like there are all types of subs there are all types of D's and similar to vanilla dating not everybody is a match. 

When I get an email from someone who is interested in me there is a process that I go through. I read carefully what they say and if it draws me in then I respond positively. During that first step I also look at their picture and height (because I am completely vain about height requirements), age and just generally if their profile is along the lines of what I am looking for. I also feel its important they don't talk about sex to much in the beginning, yes I know this is BDSM but because I am not just looking for a playmate I feel there should be a balance. A sense of humor is also important, cause if don't have a sense of humor then it just won't work. After the emails are exchanged I wait to see where they will take me next, some like to chat, some like to go right for the phone call. After the chat, then a phone call is in order and if all goes well a first meeting.

At each point I listen very carefully to what they are saying because they will eventually tell you who they are and what they are looking for. If at anytime during the process I don't feel their confidence and ability to take control, then its over. I know it will never work for me and I thank them kindly and let them know that we are not a match. Sometimes I know in the first email, sometimes I don't know until I meet them. The one thing I do appreciate about this lifestyle is the ability to be honest, I don't have to pretend to be interested and then dump them when they call again. For this type of relationship there has to be chemistry felt by both, there has to be a D/s chemistry.

I've gotten more replies but this one was by far the best...

"You sound like a serious candidate.. I might just give you a little trial if you can manage it.. I'm inviting you to come and meet me at the chapel located at XXXX Saturday morning 9am dress in one of your most modest dresses and meet me at the front of chapel on the left hand side..I will be there by latest 9:30am standing in a dark grey suit about 5'9" 185lbs with a little distinguished mouthstach. Send me a discription and/or a picture and I hope to see you.. Gods willing...."

Question...what's a mouthstach and do these men not have spell check?
Submissive Woman looking for a Dominant for a LTR
**Disclaimer: no editing has been done to these messages and the spell check is now broken with all the typos, lol!
Mr. P - (sent a picture with him and his kid, great parenting) His message was: here 44   6ft6  blue  eyes  dom man    looking for sub xoxoxo. When asked to tell about himself and what he was looking for: call or text  will tell all  love to cook   golf     tennis   cuddle   xoxoxoxo. It gets better, when I declined his offer of golf and cuddling he wrote back:   y not     will tie you up too  wheres my pic   xoxoxo (clearly he has a real grasp of the English language).

Mr. D - Hi I coud ebwhat you looking what youur looking for Entertainer would like to met you  D.

Mr. A - well , lets  see i would love to be ur new friend , ur lover and much more .... i would love to put you on your kneew and let you taste my cream, jamaican born 48 , 6/2 235 lbs good looking .. so lets see what kinda nmagic we can make happen.

Drinkupslt - are you thirsty? (very poetic).

Mr. Phone - just wanted to have phone sex

DomDan - good morning (I don't need to go into this one word crap again - do I?).

Master1 - Hi there Master1 here. How are you doing. I have been in the lifestyle over 25 years had a slave for ten years till she died of cancer. I have trained before so I know what I am doing. I don't work 9 to 5 so I have a lot of free time. Anyway I feel you would be what I am looking for. What is your yahoo messenger screen name and I can IM you now. (lets break it down - unemployed and using his slaves death or simply lying about it - not sure which one, plus he lives in CA).

Mr. J - he just sent a picture so I replied back asking him to tell me about himself and what he was looking for. This was his reply: Just some good ole fun for now and see what happens.

Mr. D - the first pictures he sent were of him and 2 other woman, not one picture but two with different woman. Who does that, its so arrogant. He had said he been in a relationship where he was clearly the more dominant of the couple and that's what gave him the right to call himself a D. I think not, I told him that there is more to being the dominant in a relationship and for that reason we were not a match.

There were a couple more but really they were a little boring and didn't make the cut.

There was one "R" who did manage to write more than 1 sentence without being lude and crude. When he sent his picture I knew I had seen it before on another dating site. Turns out it was POF, where I still have a profile. Not only had answered my ad but he had been on my profile on POF very recently because he came up on my list of viewed recently. We exchanged a few emails and then a phone call. He is the most promising and he's some what local. In our emails I wasn't 100% sure how experienced he was but when we spoke on the phone, I knew he was the real deal. As a bonus HE SAYS he wants the same as me, vanilla and D/s wrapped up together.

We'll see....and hey if "R" doesn't work out I can always call Mr. A so I can taste his jamaican cream.


I have special powers, I never knew it until today. I always just thought I was "special" the kind that rides the short bus special.

First the guy I was talking to from OK Cupid, turns out he just wants to play. Which is OK, just not with me. I figured this out after we communicated for a while. He likes yahoo message and texting, we did talk on the phone once. When we spoke about relationships, at first he said he was looking for ltr also. But when pushed a little more he just kept talking dirty and wasn't really interested in anything else. Yawn, boring.

So I was also talking with this other guy on CM, nice guy but there was something not quite right. He seemed very excited and wanted to start out as friends, because he always just jumps in quickly (sounds familiar). We exchanged emails for about 5 days and there was something I just couldn't put my finger on. WELL he sends me a message today only its from a slightly different screen name (which was light blue). At first I didn't understand why he was telling me he wanted to be honest with me. It wasn't until I clicked on the new name - he's a Switch, yeah uh NO.

That's when I knew I had special powers, I can tell just by email if you are not dominant or if you just want sex (I am cracking myself up right now). Next I am going to perfect x-ray vision and bending steel with my mind.

I also got lovely messages from 2 others on CM, but for some reason they don't know how to send pictures of themselves. One deleted ALL his files and doesn't have one, the other just doesn't know how to share. PLEASE every Tom Dick and Harriet have a camera phone that they can take and text to their emails for heavens sake. If you are too stupid to know this then you are too stupid to talk to me.

Yes I'm back and I'm not putting up with any BS today :)