When I started this journey I chose a butterfly to symbolize myself slowly shedding my inhibitions emerging from the lifeless chrysalis ready to soar into a new and glorious life. But if I had to chose the animal that best represents me I would have to say a kitten (I promise I am not trying to move in on my kitty friends litterbox). I have two cats at home, bad kitty an orange house cat and good kitty a gorgeous Siamese. I have always loved cats ever since I was a child. They were soft and curled up in your lap so contently without a care in the world unless you taunted them, then watch out.
More than anything I want, crave, need to be in a relationship dominated by a man who loves and cares for me. A man who will take care of me and who will let me take care of him. A man who will be there to remind me when I falter where I should be and who I belong to. A man to help me make decisions, a partner I respect. I want to combine the everyday of vanilla with a D/s relationship, never knowing where one starts and the other ends. I want to be loved, wake up with him and go to sleep with him. I want to take his pain and pleasure, giving myself to him completely (nothing new there).
I am just like that soft and furry submissive kitten that loves to curl up and rub against you, but at the first sign of trouble the claws come out to protect myself. I am a kitten with claws and I know how to use them. When I am talking to someone I am not that submissive woman he wants me to be. I keep my guard up, ask lots of questions and am very cautious because even though what I want is to be dominated I fear letting the wrong man into my life, relying on him only to be left broken and alone.
I have been talking to someone new..."J". He told me I have been fighting him all the way but it's not a problem because he's willing to fight to see where we go. I have taken my claws out several times with him, only to be talked back down into that submissive kitten. Each time I am left stunned because he pushes back in a very gentlemanly way. He doesn't demand my respect, he keeps his cool and is very understanding. I feel myself responding to him, but as my friend (histoy) says you don't know anything until you meet him in person and until then I will hold myself back (having learned my lesson - hopefully). This is the first guy I have wanted to meet in a while, he intrigues me because he recognizes how to quell my fears and doesn't run the first (second or third) time I push him away. He definitely has my attention and this kitten wants to learn more.