D/s & DD?

I was asked how I felt about Domestic Discipline...mmm? It was followed up with, the discipline would be for not following the rules.

My immediate answer was I don't know? I definitely don't want to be afraid of the person I am with. On the other hand I also feel within a loving & trusting relationship that is evolving and growing something I may not like in the beginning I may grow to embrace later. I know that one of the failures of my previous relationship was him not being able to discipline for something he felt I had done wrong. Ultimately I came to realize later that this was something I wanted, needed, I wanted a firm hand to be reminded if I strayed. I almost feel like it is a form of love, that the person would care enough in a calm and rational manor to let me know I had done something wrong and that this was why I was being disciplined. Granted I may not always agree but knowing I had disappointed him would probably trump those feelings.

So I asked what would the rules be? There were a couple thrown out as an example - you must wear less clothes than he when at home, must be willing to give pleasure two times a day - there were several others but I can't remember them. Then I got confused because none of things mentioned seemed out of the normal. What is the difference between Domestic Discipline and D/s relationship.

So I turned to good old Google, my friend, my pal, my know it all. I came up with several that caught my eye (I  am sure there are hundreds but I only chose these).

Seekers. "The term BDSM encompasses the full spectrum of three elements: bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism. Those who practice BDSM choose which of these elements to include in their own play. Many include all three, and others are interested in only one aspect. There's a lot of freedom within the category. Some practitioners of Domestic Discipline also engage in some aspect of BDSM, but others do not."

Finding our Way said "BDSM is a type of role play or lifestyle choice between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release."

I never thought of TTWD as role play, I think of it as a way of life. I never thought there was a difference between D/s & Domestic Discipline. I thought it was all combined into one or maybe its because that is a combination I crave. I am thinking that DD is a term used within vanilla relationships and in a D/s relationship discipline is more the normal maybe? I guess things like corner time, kneeling time, etc are more maintenance to avoid being disciplined?

PS Yes I know that there are other discipline actions besides spanking, that are probably way worse (shudder) but for the purposes of wrapping my head around things, its just spanking for today.


  1. I use corner time and kneeling daily as a way to stay focused and meditate on my submission. But, yes, my DM has indicated corner time may be a firm of discipline.

    I don't want "maintenance" spankings, but I do think there will be times I will "ask" to be spanked. In fact, I have written two letters to my DM asking for just that.

    This is a very interesting subject, Butterfly. I'm interested to hear what others have to say. :)

    Take care, Sky

  2. Great post. You gave me a lot to think about. I may have to blog on it myself.

    I think part of the difference might be in the relationship - well, obviously. But a DD relationship, to me, always seems to imply that she "needs" his guidance or direction, that she couldn't quite make it on her own. Like the frigging '50's. Well, they glory in it being like that.

    For me, that's not a part of the D/s relationship. I can function just fine on my own, and have. I choose to submit and offer myself in submission to ~ I don't know ~ to enhance the relationship?

    Shoot. I knew I was gonna get lost in this. And I don't want to offend anyone who's in a DD relationship either... and I don't have time to think about what I want to say right now, or how to express it.

    Ok, great post - did I say that? Lots to think about. Thanks, Butterfly!


  3. For me, there is no "category", no formal name to call it, it is simply "what works for us" call it D/s, M/s, Op,DD, HoH, it really makes no difference what the title is, its a little of this, with a bit of that and there you have TTWD...and it fits! Knowing your wants and needs, well that is really all it comes down to! Just my humble opinion :)

  4. Funny you post this. Just a couple of weeks ago I was approached about a Domestic Discipline. Something about the way it was said to me caused me to do some research on it. What I discovered is it is different from BDSM. DD is just what it says discipline.

    This one website I found went in depth about it. It talked more about one holding the other accountable for rules or goals as defined by the person who is considered in our lifestyle as the bottom. Rules can be as simple as helping someone curb their foul mouth or stay on schedule and not procrastinate to making sure someone stays on task, on a diet etc.

    With these rules you also define punishments for when these rules are broken. For example, I am helping this person who approached me about it. One of her rules is no texting while driving. If I catch her texting while driving then she receives 20 lashes from my belt. Other forms of discipline can be corner time, losing privilages, being grounded etc.

    In a sense this is almost a platonic type thing. Rules and consequences are defined. When they are broken, the discipline is administered. It is very easy to confuse with BDSM. However, look at it from this stand point. BDSM does include eroticism and sex. DD does not. With DD it is like a parent and a child. You make a bad grade you get grounded. You don't clean the kitchen, you can not watch TV. Etc.

    I hope this helps.

  5. This is a response that came in via email and was to long to put in 1 comment box.

    I tried to put the following comment on your blog, but it didn't
    appear to post. Maybe it posted and I can't see it. Maybe it is too
    long and Blogger gave up. In any case, if you can put it up, please
    do. Otherwise, maybe it's for your enjoyment only!
    I guess that I've read dozens of blogs, many of them from people that
    have DD relationships. In fact, I regularly look at blogs Bonnie finds
    and posts on http://bottomsmarts.blogspot.com, and a high percentage
    of those appear to be DD blogs.

  6. On the other hand, I've been involved with the BDSM community more
    generally for well over 10 years. I know and have talked with dozens
    of people at munches and clubs about the topic (and I've sat down and
    really questioned several people in depth about how they got involved,
    what they do, and so on).

    So, I'd have clear-cut definitions, except that these are really
    activities that broad groups of people participate in. I don't think
    there are precise definitions or sets of criteria.

    But generally, people who practice DD seem to do it with their
    domestic partners (usually a husband/wife, but often people in less
    formal relationships), and there is a definite definition of roles
    into the dominant and the submissive. Within that, the dominant is
    expected to discipline the submissive, and they are empowered to use
    punishment to create that discipline.

    My personal belief is that DD works well when the people involved look
    at how doing it can improve things. So, I agree with Litenthunder
    about "one holding the other accountable for rules or goals", although
    I don't think it's necessarily one or the other person that always
    defines these goals. It can be jointly defined or defined by one or
    the other party.

    Also, I think that there's a perception that DD suggests that one
    person is "less than" and has to be helped to be a good person. While
    many people might look at it that way, I don't think that's a
    necessary element of DD. I kind of cringe when someone suggests that
    there's a religious basis where women are inferior and should always
    submit to men.

  7. I do think that domestic relationships work better when one person
    takes on the leadership role. But I don't equate "leader" with
    "superior". In many ways it's the submissive that gets to be refined
    more through the process. So, dom doesn't equate to better in my mind.

    (BTW, I look at "discipline" to mean that one person does what the
    other wants regardless of what they might want. And "punishment" as
    the infliction of something that tends to make the receiver want to
    change their behavior so as not to have the punishment inflicted
    again. So, when I talk about these terms, I'm sticking to specific

    Most domestic discipline involves the power of the dominant to at
    least spank the submissive in order to enforce discipline. There can
    be almost any variety of other things involved (including non-impact
    forms of punishment), but it would be a rare DD relationship where
    there was no spanking either practiced or implied.

    As for BDSM, I think your definition from Seekers hits it pretty well.
    The term is a contraction of those three things. As such it is much
    broader than DD. I think DD falls into a specific rather narrow
    spectrum of BDSM. I'm sure that most people would see all the elements
    of a DD relationship as within the definition of BDSM. There's
    dominance and submission. There's discipline. There's some amount of
    sado-masochism (to the extent that the participants in DD are
    attracted to some amount of the use of pain to further the
    relationship, even if it doesn't directly lead to pleasure). So, I
    think DD is a subset of BDSM.

    Within the BDSM community, there's a huge difference in what it means.
    For example, there are people that engage in role play that hardly has
    any element of D/s or SM at all. Still, if you go to a club and look
    at all the activity, generally you will see quite a lot of impact
    play. Whether any of that is given in the true sense of discipline
    probably depends on who shows up. I have, at times, taken my girl to a
    club and used that venue as a place to apply punishment she's earned.
    So, in that case, there was definitely discipline going on. And it was
    DD within what I would consider that to be.

    Now, is all DD free of eroticism? I don't think so, quite frankly.
    Humans are quite flexible. So, I would be shocked, shocked I tell you,
    if it turned out that most DD relationships had no sexual play around
    spankings or other nominally disciplinary activities. And, having
    participated in serious DD relationships for extended periods of time,
    I have to say that there were many times when my partner and I had our
    erotic connection strengthened by our DD relationship.

    All that is to say, we'll, it's complicated. And probably the best way
    to get a sense of what's involved is to be involved.