To submit or not to submit, that is the question

I wrote a post that has been sitting in draft form, it was one of the events that I wrote about but never felt good about posting. So thank you to usm from CM for inspiring me to touch on my feelings. That post will never see the light of this blog, this is the closest it will ever come.

Most everyone has heard or read the book: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism. I haven't read it but have read others, although I suppose after writing this I should go out and pick up a copy.

"How does one submit? There are a number of prerequisites. She has to want someone to control her. She must trust her dominate enough to give it all up to him. That takes time, caring, and real communication from both partners. The requirements of a submissive are internal preparations." (pg. 33, para. 4)

I was reading the journals on CM and came across a posting by a woman (usm) my age whose profile was very similar to what I believe (after some mistakes life lessons) - mainly "I do not submit online". She goes on to write about how if you are looking for kinky phone sex, call a sex phone service. She mentions that she may move slow and give herself the time she needs to feel comfortable in what she does and that if this doesn't sounds very submissive, then good because I want to submit to someone doesn't mean I want to submit to everyone.  Hallelujah!!!

Her answer to this portion of the book was wonderful.

"This is how I know the fakes from the real Dom's. A real Dom would never expect a sub to submit instantly. Both the Dom and sub would know what the limits and expectations are. I have had "Dom's" try to tell me to do something, just to see how far I will go, when I haven't even met them. To me that reeks of insecurity on the Dom's part. If they trusted their ability to dominate someone, they would take the time to get to know the person they want to dominate and know what the sub is wanting as well. D/s is not a one way street where the Dom gets what they want and the sub is just happy giving any and all. There is a reason there are limits and communication about such limits. Also, the sub is looking for something, be it security, praise, acceptance, and/or understanding of who they are. I for one will give a lot to the right Dom, but I can't give much if I am made to feel like an object and not talked to or acknowledges as the person I am. I also need to know my limits are respected and accepted. I make my limits for very specific reasons and for anyone to tell me they don't accept limits, shows me they don't respect me enough to believe I know myself well."

I never wrote about a man I met on CM who said he wanted the same as I. We talked for several weeks and during that time he tried to "encourage" me to submit to him on the phone. He assured me that we would meet soon all during the time we spoke. I told him that after learning the hard way that I don't submit until after I have met to make sure there is a connection. He was bristly about it during the time we talked and never failed to bring it up daily, hoping to wear me down, almost guilt me. Now I'm not saying I didn't flirt with him but I never crossed the line that would make me feel uncomfortable. As a submissive woman that is challenging, because every instinct in my body and mind is saying submit, submit. The end result was I kept to my word (to myself) and right before we were to meet he decided that it wouldn't work out. I was disappointed but I had stood strong and for that I was grateful.

The questions it left me with afterwards was...do men really want a woman who would just submit to anyone who happens to answer their message? Why don't they realize that trust needs to be built?


Oh yes, Happy St. Patrick's Day! Green beer for everyone!

Tributes

I need my house painted, its been a while and the walls need to be freshened up. I hate painting with a passion. I'm not tall enough to reach the highest parts of my walls, even with a ladder (safely). Why the hell, you ask am I telling you this?

I have been reading journals on CM for the past few months and apparently if I were a financial Domme I could get it done for dominating a sub (usually male). Financial Dommes ask for money, gifts and favors  (they are referred to as tributes) from submissives in return for dominating & humiliating them, as far as I can tell. The vanilla version of FD could be strippers at a club. Men give woman money not for sex but for the thought of sex. Seems that most of these FD never meet their subs.

I found a site that had rules for advertising and communicating with others on SubsForDommes. I came across one FD who wrote about how its not as easy being a FD, Pampered Blaire. How it takes work to get to know your slaves, reminds me how I feel about dating - its like having a second job sometimes. Always interviewing, re-interviewing, going through resumes, making sure they know how to operate all the equipment, hands on trials, etc.

I even found a FD support group that helps men break away from domination. He writes about how Financial slavery is a psychological addiction, with characteristics similar to other major addictions, such as porn addiction and gambling addiction.

I am not judging this fetish, just exploring all my options on how to get my house painted.

Now if I could just not giggle every time I have to give an order or humiliate a man I would be golden.

Moment


There comes a moment when our lives change forever.
The moment we share our desires and vulnerabilities.
Sometimes the change in our lives is an answer to our prayers.

Building Blocks

Thoughts in my brain that only I understand.

On my Want page, I write about finding a Dominant man who balances my love of submission within a loving relationship. A man I feel safe with, who is honest and caring.

When I was a child I had a set of colorful wooden blocks that I would build cities with that stretched out all over the family room. You literally couldn't walk through or you would knock down a wall, which would bring down another part of the city. Building trust to move forward in any relationship is like building a city with blocks.

When you are building a relationship of trust, each block must be carefully placed so that the wall stays strong. If one block gets knocked down then you have to rebuild two other blocks from the damage that is done. The nice part is that hopefully that same block won't be knocked down again. Both will be very careful not to repeat the same mistake.

So when a block does get knocked out of place its nice to have your partner put it back and re-enforce it. Its a great feeling when he hears what is being said and responds positively, showing that he is working just as hard to keep the city from falling down.

It's nice to be heard and know that you matter.

Listening to the Universe

Several times a month I meet with people who are just finishing cancer treatments. We discuss their skin, hair and nail issues that come up during and after treatment. They learn how to take care of their skin, put on makeup and how to make time for themselves everyday. They walk in feeling sad and walk out with a big smile on their faces. The difference a couple of hours makes to them is beyond any paycheck I have ever received.

Last time I was with a group we had been speaking about hair and wigs. Some how we got on the subject of men and hair. How some men just refuse to let their hair go, with comb overs and such. I told the group that I thought there was nothing sexier than a man who was bald. A man who had the confidence to own his lack of hair.

It was almost like I had thrown it out to the universe because bald men came out of the wood work. I am on (cough) several dating sites (vanilla and ....) and I'll be damned if I didn't receive 4 separate messages - all from bald men. It was like the universe had said here you go, have a blast. 

After that someone else came back into my life and because I was feeling so open to the letting the universe guide me that I opened the door. This person came back full of words but in the end the actions didn't back them up, so I closed the door. I felt like I was still listening and that this wasn't meant to be. The difference is how I feel...peaceful, about my decision.

All the while I have been open to what is being shown to me, the universe has been sending more into my life and I am absorbing it all, letting it wash over me like a wave of happiness.