To submit or not to submit, that is the question

I wrote a post that has been sitting in draft form, it was one of the events that I wrote about but never felt good about posting. So thank you to usm from CM for inspiring me to touch on my feelings. That post will never see the light of this blog, this is the closest it will ever come.

Most everyone has heard or read the book: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism. I haven't read it but have read others, although I suppose after writing this I should go out and pick up a copy.

"How does one submit? There are a number of prerequisites. She has to want someone to control her. She must trust her dominate enough to give it all up to him. That takes time, caring, and real communication from both partners. The requirements of a submissive are internal preparations." (pg. 33, para. 4)

I was reading the journals on CM and came across a posting by a woman (usm) my age whose profile was very similar to what I believe (after some mistakes life lessons) - mainly "I do not submit online". She goes on to write about how if you are looking for kinky phone sex, call a sex phone service. She mentions that she may move slow and give herself the time she needs to feel comfortable in what she does and that if this doesn't sounds very submissive, then good because I want to submit to someone doesn't mean I want to submit to everyone.  Hallelujah!!!

Her answer to this portion of the book was wonderful.

"This is how I know the fakes from the real Dom's. A real Dom would never expect a sub to submit instantly. Both the Dom and sub would know what the limits and expectations are. I have had "Dom's" try to tell me to do something, just to see how far I will go, when I haven't even met them. To me that reeks of insecurity on the Dom's part. If they trusted their ability to dominate someone, they would take the time to get to know the person they want to dominate and know what the sub is wanting as well. D/s is not a one way street where the Dom gets what they want and the sub is just happy giving any and all. There is a reason there are limits and communication about such limits. Also, the sub is looking for something, be it security, praise, acceptance, and/or understanding of who they are. I for one will give a lot to the right Dom, but I can't give much if I am made to feel like an object and not talked to or acknowledges as the person I am. I also need to know my limits are respected and accepted. I make my limits for very specific reasons and for anyone to tell me they don't accept limits, shows me they don't respect me enough to believe I know myself well."

I never wrote about a man I met on CM who said he wanted the same as I. We talked for several weeks and during that time he tried to "encourage" me to submit to him on the phone. He assured me that we would meet soon all during the time we spoke. I told him that after learning the hard way that I don't submit until after I have met to make sure there is a connection. He was bristly about it during the time we talked and never failed to bring it up daily, hoping to wear me down, almost guilt me. Now I'm not saying I didn't flirt with him but I never crossed the line that would make me feel uncomfortable. As a submissive woman that is challenging, because every instinct in my body and mind is saying submit, submit. The end result was I kept to my word (to myself) and right before we were to meet he decided that it wouldn't work out. I was disappointed but I had stood strong and for that I was grateful.

The questions it left me with afterwards men really want a woman who would just submit to anyone who happens to answer their message? Why don't they realize that trust needs to be built?

Oh yes, Happy St. Patrick's Day! Green beer for everyone!


  1. True submission of your mind (not just of your body) requires an incredible amount of trust on both sides. I find that when there is something awry in my relationship, the submission fades quite a bit whether I want it to or not.

  2. Excellent post and you brig up a good point. Many men think (sorry guys) that when they assume the "Dom" role that all the rules change, and that because they are talking with a sub she will be different than "other" women. The fact of the matter is she shouldn't be treated any different than any woman. She should still be respected and admired just as any person would want.

    True submission comes in time. A man should let this take it's course and come naturally. I don't want to push it on anyone. There are many things I want her to discover and feel on her own. It's much deeper and more genuine that way...not because I'm wanting her to do it. A BIG difference. To me, a guy earns the right to have her submission, not demands it. It takes a stronger man to wait and earn her trust and respect than to just demand she give it to him.

    Nice post and good info and advice for everyone.


  3. Yes. You're so absolutely right.

    i admit i may have given into the temptation to submit on line before... um, yeah, even when i knew it probably wasn't my best idea. But not because someone was pushing me to. i dont' respond well to pressure ~ and it reminds me of vanilla guys trying to "get to first base" in high school. Ugh.

    Nice post. You could put some of your post together and create an on-line dating manual!



  4. Great post sbf! i am one that met her Dom on line, but not because i was looking for a Dom, as i had no idea about the D/s world or that i was submissive for that matter (lol).

    i am lucky in that there were steps taken prior to establishng Our D/s relationship...a check list of likes and dislikes (limits, etc.) that made it possible for Us to see if We were even compatible - even vanilla peeps should do a check list of was so helpful and allowed Him to know what i was about, as well as my knowing myself a little more too *wink*

    One main point to D/s i have learned is that submission is not forced, it is freely given by the submissive, so your instinct to wait until you feel it is right is the right thing to do.

    Skyping every day, my trust in Him came sooner rather than later, but i know i am lucky in that i found a Partner who is not perfect, but perfect for me in every way imaginable.

    And, i must MUST mention that i am of the opinion that Domination and submission should be about the Dom taking care of His sub - it is a serious thing to take responsibility for another human being in this way, but that is what it should be about...of course, in return, the submissive gives eveything to her Dom - this does not mean giving things that are a 'NO' on the checklist (hard limits).

    In time, the submissive may feel like she wants to revisit some things she placed as a hard limit, but that should be her decision. Being submissive does not take rights and decisions away from her and it does not mean she is topping from the bottom either. Most Dom's want a submissive who has and uses her brain, has opinions and if they disagree with something, they should be able to voice it...this doesn't mean they will get their way, but the great communication is key to ANY relationship, D/s or otherwise!

    *whew* long winded perhaps?